Oliver Babish quotes from The West Wing

Bartlet

This isn't what you signed up for. Leo begged you to take this job. This isn't what you signed up for. If you leave, I'd appreciate it if you did it now, so it doesn't look like my lawyer bailed on me when the rain starts. No one's gonna hold it against you.

Babish

Well, I appreciate that, Mr. President. [pause] If I stay, will you do exactly what I tell you to do?

Bartlet

I guess it depends.

Babish

I'm afraid it can't depend, sir.

Bartlet

[pauses and thinks] What would my first step be?

Babish

First tell your staff.

Bartlet

Yeah.

Babish

Then, decide how to make a public announcement.

Bartlet

Yeah.

Babish

Then, order the attorney general to appoint a special prosecutor. Not just any special prosecutor, the most blood-spitting, Bartlet-hating Republican in the Bar. He's gonna have an unlimited budget and a staff like an army. The new slogan around here is gonna be "Bring it on!" He's gonna have access to every piece of paper you ever touched. If you invoke executive privilege one time, I'm gone. An assistant D.A in Ducksworth wants to take your deposition, you're on the next plane. A freshman Congressman wants your testimony, you'll sit in his kitchen. They wanna drag you to The Hague and charge you with war crimes, what'll we say?

Bartlet

Bring it on.

Babish

"Are you not able to recognize a standard medical history form when it is put in front of your face?"

Abbey

I didn't read it! I didn't think it was important!

Babish

What else have you signed without thinking it was important? Prescriptions?

Abbey

No!

Babish

Patient instructions?

Abbey

No!

Babish

Oh, so just this?

Abbey

Oliver, I am not an expert in the diseases of the central nervous system, but I can tell you that MS is not hereditary. The President's condition has absolutely no relevance to Zoey's health status.

Babish

Well, now you're changing your story, Mrs. Bartlet.

Abbey

No, I'm not.

Babish

Did you sign it because you were absent-minded or did you sign it because you knew best?

Abbey

I signed it 'cause...I just signed it...It was a form...And I think making a big thing out of it is what makes it into a big thing!

Babish

Really?

Abbey

And I'm not a hundred percent sure that that's not what you're going for.

Babish

Why would I want to make it a big thing?

Abbey

Because defending the President in primetime looks good on a resume.

Babish

Well, I've got a pretty good-looking resume already, Mrs. Bartlet. And it's not a big thing because I say so, ma'am; it's a big thing. You're gonna get all the questions I just asked you, and quite a few more. And then they're gonna ask the President if he was in the room when you signed it. And that's when he's gonna give everyone's favorite answer from a President who has just announced that he has MS: "I. DON'T. REMEMBER."

Babish

Mrs. Bartlet, I want to talk to you about...

Abbey

[firmly] Dr. Bartlet. [pause] When did I stop being "Dr." Bartlet? When in the campaign did I decide that women were gonna like me more if I called myself "Mrs."? When did I decide that women were that stupid?

Charlie

[advised to get a lawyer] How much?

Babish

Assuming you saw nothing wrong, heard nothing wrong and did nothing wrong... about $100,000.

Babish

Today, the President is going to direct the Attorney General to appoint a Special Prosecutor.

Charlie

Yes.

Babish

Now, you know what that means, right?

Charlie

Yeah.

Babish

Okay, so you'll need a lawyer.

Charlie

Actually, Mr. Babish, I don't think I need one.

Babish

You do.

Charlie

I think I'll be fine.

Babish

Really?

Charlie

Yeah.

Babish

He's going to ask you about everything you'd seen and heard since you started working at the White House.

Charlie

I can answer those questions truthfully.

Babish

Then he's going to call you back a month later and ask you the exact same questions. If your answers change even a little bit, he'll prosecute you for perjury.

Charlie

Mr. Babish...

Babish

Oliver's fine. Are you prepared to describe every conversation you've ever had with the President? Whether he asked you for an aspirin? Whether his hands quivered? Are you prepared to answer questions about your relationship with his youngest daughter? This is NFL football.

Charlie

When is this all going to happen?

Babish

I don't know.

Charlie

How can you not know?

Babish

Because grand jury investigations are secret.

Charlie

So they can just knock on my door one morning?

Babish

They will knock on your door one morning.

Charlie

How much? You know, how much do you think...

Babish

Assuming you did nothing wrong, saw nothing wrong and heard nothing wrong - about a hundred thousand dollars.

Babish

A subpoena is just a legal agreement to produce certain testimony and documents.

C.J.

Yeah, but isn't that like the way a mugger uses a gun to produce your wallet?

Abbey

I was hiking, Oliver. I was hiking. Are you really that much an enemy of nature?

Babish

Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights...and its scents and its touch...and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman.

Abbey

What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?

Babish

I hear ya.

Babish

You broke some laws, Abbey, and quite frankly you should be ashamed of yourself, but this investigation isn't about that.

Abbey

Look–

Babish

It's about the criminalization of politics. An attempt to do in the hearing room what they couldn't do at the ballot box.

Abbey

I understand, but we don't have the luxury...

Babish

Abbey, stop eating fruits, stop eating vegetables, it's doing something bad to you. Fruits and vegetables will seduce you, like a woman, with their...

Abbey

Oliver!

Babish

Truth isn't a luxury. You're going to go in there, you're going to swear an oath, you're going to get asked questions, and you're going to tell the truth. It's the way you stand up and say 'Stop!'

Abbey

You should be careful, Oliver. You keep talking like a person, they're going to kick you out of the bar.

Babish

I've been kicked out of bars before.

Abbey

I meant–

Babish

I know what you meant.

Oliver Babish

[about Greg Brock, the recipient of a leak of classified information] So, you guys spend some time together?

C.J.

Brock? We can pull a conversation.

Oliver Babish

He's the guy?

C.J.

Which guy would that be?

Oliver Babish

Your fave.

C.J.

I don't play favorites.

Oliver Babish

I'm thinking you play favorites. Given the number of times his name appears on your call sheet. And also given the fact that six reporters in the White House Press Corps say you play favorites. It used to be Danny Concannon, now it's Greg Brock. So, it's a crush or an affair or a mutually acknowledged, but unrequited... What are we talking about here?

C.J.

Oliver, I have a whole lot to do.

Oliver Babish

It got personal with Danny, right? And if he's the new Danny...

C.J.

We're not doing this.

Oliver Babish

You talked to him every day. He drops by more than a guy with a phone in his pocket needs to drop by. And he published code word classified information on the front page of his newspaper. So, this does not fall under the category of things to which I do not need an answer.

C.J.

...You think the leak came from me... I'm the suspect.

Oliver Babish

Can you tell me about the nature of your relationship with Greg Brock?

Babish

Who were you talking to?

Toby

My attorney's voice mail.

My instructions were that you sit quietly.

Toby

I'm pretty sure I used my indoor voice.