C.J. Cregg quotes from The West Wing

C.J.

[on the President] He's all right?

Leo

He's about to be censured, and then he's gonna deliver the State of the Union, and then he's gonna run for reelection. My guess is, that there are some things on his mind.

Carol

[after the State of the Union speech] Congratulations, boss!

C.J.

Nice job. Take the rest of the night off.

Carol

Yeah, it's one in the morning.

C.J.

Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here.

Sam

Okay.

C.J.

Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.

Sam

What is wrong with you?

C.J.

We really don't know.

Sam

Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say–

C.J.

[laughing] Get out!

Bartlet

A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?

Bartlet

I'm really asking.

Josh

Well, how close are we to really being able to do this?

Bartlet

Nobody knows.

Josh

Then...

Bartlet

Toby.

Toby

It'll be seen as a political ploy.

Bartlet

Why?

C.J.

It can be seen... [to Toby] Excuse me. [to Bartlet] It can be seen as self-serving.

Bartlet

How?

C.J.

Using cancer to deflect attention from MS.

Bartlet

You think people with cancer care what my motives are? You think their families do?

C.J.

I'm saying...

Bartlet

Joey?

Joey

I agree with everything that's been said, except, I don't think they'll see it as deflecting the MS. I think they'll see it as deflecting the censure.

Bartlet

Once again, why would somebody...?

Joey

Everybody cares about motive, Mr. President.

Bartlet

I didn't...

She said, "Everybody cares about motive," sir.

Bartlet

Sam.

Sam

Yes sir?

Bartlet

Why shouldn't I do it?

Sam

I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.

C.J.

So, the 4-H convention.

Toby

We're not going.

C.J.

I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?

Toby

I'm that way.

C.J.

You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.

Toby

We're not going.

C.J.

There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...

Toby

Butter on the table?

C.J.

It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.

Toby

How do they keep it from melting?

C.J.

How, indeed.

Nancy

Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.

Toby

Thank you.

C.J.

Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.

C.J.

Duchamp was the father of Dadaism.

Toby

I know.

C.J.

The da-da of Dada.

Toby

It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there.

C.J.

I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about affirmative action.

Toby

Why?

C.J.

Because... After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher. And he raised a family on a teacher's salary, and he paid his taxes and always crossed at the green. And any time there was opportunity for career advancement, it took him an extra five years because invariably there was a less qualified black woman in the picture. So instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High.

Charlie

Look, C.J.–

C.J.

You'll find it in your filing cabinet under A for anal.

I don't really wanna know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet, do you?

No.

C.J.

So, how long do you usually make people your bitch?

Charlie

Depends.

Josh

[on Bartlet's slight to Ritchie] Why do you think this one's so hard to spin?

CJ

'Cause it's the classic Washington scandal. We screwed up by telling the truth.

Josh

All right. Let's try not to do that too much.

Sam

By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears any day of the week.

C.J.

At what?

Sam

Logarithms possibly.

CJ

Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -

Josh

I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.

CJ

Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.

Josh

[pause] You're...?

CJ

[nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?

Josh

Technically, I outrank you...

CJ

So far up your ass!

Josh

Okay.

CJ

Okay.

Josh

[about his fan website] C.J., it's a... crazy place. It's got this dictatorial leader, who I'm sure wears a muumuu and chain smokes Parliaments.

C.J.

What did you go there for in the first place?

Josh

It's called LemonLyman.com.

C.J.

Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -

Josh

I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.

C.J.

Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.

Josh

[pause] You're...?

C.J.

[nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?

Josh

Technically, I outrank you...

C.J.

So far up your ass!

Josh

Okay.

C.J.

Okay.

Bartlet

I've been meaning to tell you, you've done really well this week with the open-mike thing.

C.J.

Thank you.

Bartlet

Didn't turn out too bad.

C.J.

No sir, it didn't turn out too bad at all. In fact, the whole country's talking about whether Ritchie's smart enough to be President. And you didn't take a hit, 'cause it was an accident. You know, it occurs to me that even your choice of language was interesting. "A .22 caliber mind, in a .357 magnum world." That's unusual for you, a gun metaphor. Toby mentioned to me that when each interview was over, all the interviewers wanted to talk to you about was Ritchie, and you took a pass each time. Until Philadelphia.

C.J.

Mr. President, is it possible you saw that the green light was on?

C.J.

[smiles] That was Old School.

C.J.

[walking into the Oval Office] Good morning, Mr. President.

Bartlet

You're gonna get Secret Service protection, but I can't order it unless you sign this piece of paper, so sign this piece of paper.

Bartlet

Because Ron says it is, and around here we do whatever Ron says.

C.J.

Well, I think it might be an over-reaction.

Bartlet

Good for you. With all your years of training and experience in sniffing out crime, your opinion really carries a lot of weight with me.

C.J.

I don't want to appear fragile.

Bartlet

Are you kidding?

C.J.

Sir...

Bartlet

We're talking about one bodyguard. I have twelve, and that's before I leave the house. You ever count the number of guns that come along with me when Abbey and I take in a play at the Kennedy Center? Do I seem fragile to you?

C.J.

No, sir.

Bartlet

Then...

C.J.

You're also not a woman in a man's job. To say nothing of the fact that you're required by law to be protected by the Treasury Department. You don't have a choice. And frankly, sir, you and I both know that you score points frequently with the public and with the press by shrugging off your Secret Service and doing whatever... going to a book store.

Bartlet

I don't care.

C.J.

Sir...

Bartlet

I don't care! You're part of my family, and this thing is happening and I simply won't permit it. Sign the piece of paper.

C.J.

There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing?

I'm sorry?

C.J.

What's your plan for me?

I don't have a plan.

C.J.

Are you gonna let me drive myself home?

No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?

C.J.

You've got my spark plug?

And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess.

C.J.

Did you leave me anything?

Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery.