Josh Lyman quotes from The West Wing

Donna

I had a plan! Each box was numbered. There is a piece of paper with a number and a corresponding description of the contents of each box.

Josh

Well, where is the piece of paper? [Donna glares at him.]

Donna

It's... in one of these boxes. I had a plan. I grew up on a farm.

Josh

You grew up in a condo.

Donna

I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!

Josh

Hey, I'm not the-

Donna

White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.

Josh

Yeah, me too.

Donna

I bet you have.

Josh

Look-

Donna

Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.

Josh

Hey, seriously, you need to sleep for a while.

Donna

I can't yet. 'Cause in one of these boxes are FedEx receipts and mailroom records for any gifts or packages sent to senior staff, [starts yelling] and in one of these boxes is a piece of paper which says which box it's in!

Josh

I'll be in the office.

Donna

Your office is down the corridor about 200 feet from here. Try not to commit any felonies on the way.

Josh

I'll do my best.

Bartlet

You know what we're starting with tonight?

Josh

No, sir.

Bartlet

Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.

Josh

Was anything you just said food?

Josh

He can have a member try to attach an amendment to the override vote.

Donna

What kind of amendment?

Josh

Doesn't matter. "To qualify for the estate tax repeal, the estates have to have Astroturf™."

Donna

And still it's hard to figure why Congress can't get anything done.

Josh

[quoting] We have the greatest technology of any people, of any country in the world, along with the greatest - not the greatest but very serious problems confronting our people. And I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically.

C.J.

Yes!

Josh

It's the 'basically' that makes it art.

Josh

Did you get me a flight?

Donna

Yes.

Josh

Excellent! One that gets me there in time for dinner?

Donna

Yes.

Josh

And I don't have to change planes in Atlanta?

Donna

No, even better, you do have to change planes in Atlanta.

Josh

I told you–

Donna

You have to change planes in Atlanta! Deal with it!

Josh

I just came from seeing Amy Gardner.

C.J.

Yeah? How'd it go?

Josh

I showed her who's boss.

C.J.

Who'd it turn out to be?

Josh

It's still unclear.

Josh

How am I not supposed to call you a hypocrite when you say that the government shouldn't tell women what to do with their bodies?

Amy

Exercise some self control, I guess. Prostitution is about the subjugation of women by men for profit.

Josh

But the profit goes to the women.

Amy

In some cases. But I know of no little girl, and neither do you, who says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up."

Josh

Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that.

Toby

Yeah.

Josh

[about Amy Gardner] I'd like to see her again.

Toby

Call her.

Josh

And ask her out?

Toby

Yeah.

Josh

No, no. 'Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again.

Toby

Yeah.

Josh

I need to come in under the cover of business.

Toby

'Cause you're a straight shooter.

Josh

Yeah. I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there.

Toby

How about the word "feministas"?

Josh

I'm seeing Amy again tonight.

Donna

Second date?

Josh

First date, really. Last night was more of a ... you know ...

Donna

Scheme.

Josh

Yeah.

Donna

Good, 'cause the second date's usually where the wheels come off the wagon for you.

Bartlet

A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?

Bartlet

I'm really asking.

Josh

Well, how close are we to really being able to do this?

Bartlet

Nobody knows.

Josh

Then...

Bartlet

Toby.

Toby

It'll be seen as a political ploy.

Bartlet

Why?

C.J.

It can be seen... [to Toby] Excuse me. [to Bartlet] It can be seen as self-serving.

Bartlet

How?

C.J.

Using cancer to deflect attention from MS.

Bartlet

You think people with cancer care what my motives are? You think their families do?

C.J.

I'm saying...

Bartlet

Joey?

Joey

I agree with everything that's been said, except, I don't think they'll see it as deflecting the MS. I think they'll see it as deflecting the censure.

Bartlet

Once again, why would somebody...?

Joey

Everybody cares about motive, Mr. President.

Bartlet

I didn't...

She said, "Everybody cares about motive," sir.

Bartlet

Sam.

Sam

Yes sir?

Bartlet

Why shouldn't I do it?

Sam

I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.

Leo

What are you doing?

Josh

Just trying to get a little pizza in an uncivilized world.

Leo

It's not easy being you, is it?

Abbey

Amy.

Amy

Yes, ma'am?

Abbey

CJ and I are gonna get drunk. Come on.

Amy

Yes, ma'am.

Josh

You're going?

Amy

The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You don't think I want to write a book one day?

Josh

[on Bartlet's slight to Ritchie] Why do you think this one's so hard to spin?

CJ

'Cause it's the classic Washington scandal. We screwed up by telling the truth.

Josh

All right. Let's try not to do that too much.

CJ

Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -

Josh

I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.

CJ

Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.

Josh

[pause] You're...?

CJ

[nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?

Josh

Technically, I outrank you...

CJ

So far up your ass!

Josh

Okay.

CJ

Okay.

Josh

[about his fan website] C.J., it's a... crazy place. It's got this dictatorial leader, who I'm sure wears a muumuu and chain smokes Parliaments.

C.J.

What did you go there for in the first place?

Josh

It's called LemonLyman.com.

C.J.

Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -

Josh

I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.

C.J.

Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.

Josh

[pause] You're...?

C.J.

[nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?

Josh

Technically, I outrank you...

C.J.

So far up your ass!

Josh

Okay.

C.J.

Okay.