Josh Lyman quotes from The West Wing

Donna

[about Lord John Marbury] Are you threatened by his brilliance?

Josh

Neither Leo nor I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however, a lunatic Brit and we're grateful there's an ocean between us.

Josh

Why don't we just give the $60 billion to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?

Bartlet

It's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council.

Josh

I know, I feel like they're missing an important voice.

Josh

Numbers don't lie.

They lie all the time. They lie when 72 percent of Americans say they're tired of a sex scandal, while all the while, newspaper circulation goes through the roof for anyone featuring the story. If you polled a hundred Donnas and asked them if they think we should go out, you'd get a high positive response. But, the poll wouldn't tell you it's because she likes you. And she knows it's beginning to show and she needs to cover herself with misdirection.

Josh

Believe me when I tell you that's not true.

Josh

So, now you have two choices - meeting with an unruly mob or meeting with lunatic mapmakers.

Toby

Or getting paid a lot more money working almost anywhere else I want.

Leo

You just spent six billion dollars on health care. How do you feel?

Josh

I'd feel better if it meant just once I could go to a doctor without filling out something on a clipboard.

C.J.

There are so many days where you can't imagine anything good will happen.

Josh

You're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self-promotion and stupidity...

Sam

...and a brand of politics that's just plain mean.

C.J.

Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of big oil and, yes, the president was making us nervous too. But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting. And if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best. Because I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if 28 U.S. senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help.

Josh

Hey, Ado Annie, I sent you flowers. I think what you're trying to say is, "Why thank you, Josh, they're beautiful, how very thoughtful of you."

Donna

Really? 'Cause I think what I was trying to say was "Shove it."

Donna

When I came back, you remember I had a bandage on my ankle?

Josh

Yeah.

Donna

I told you I slipped on the ice on the front walk?

Josh

Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you didn't put down the kitty litter.

Donna

I was actually in a car accident.

Josh

You were in a car accident?

Donna

It was...

Josh

Seriously, you were in an accident?

Donna

It was no big deal.

Josh

You told me it was a late thaw.

Donna

[smiles] Yes. I did. Anyway, they took me to the hospital and I called him and he came to get me and on the way he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer.

Josh

[incredulously] He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer?

Donna

Yes. And that's why I left him. Which was the point of my telling you this. I left him. So stop remembering that. What I remember is that you took me back when you had absolutely no reason to trust me again, and you didn't make fun of me or him, and you had every reason to.

Josh

Donna...

Donna

You're gonna make fun of him now, aren't you?

Josh

No.

Donna

'Cause that's why I didn't tell you in the first place.

Josh

I'm not gonna make fun of him.

Donna

Good.

Josh

But just what kind of a dumbkes were you...

Donna

He was supposed to meet some of his friends. He stopped on the way to tell them that he couldn't.

Josh

And had a beer?

Donna

Does this make you feel superior?

Donna

Yes, you are better than my old boyfriend.

Josh

I'm just sayin', if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.

Donna

[stands up] If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. Thanks for taking me back. [walks out of his office] Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.

Josh

You got a phone call while you were in there.

Donna

From who?

Josh

Europe, in 1939.

Donna

Yeah?

Josh

Yeah, I jotted it down. Apparently, they're at war, but we'd taken a firm stand as an isolationist nation and refused to get involved. Our resources are ours, and their problems are on the other side of the world, though, they do have problems. Sounds to me from what they said on the phone that France, Austria, and England are getting absolutely pounded by the Germans and with no end in sight. They say that by 1941 they're gonna desperately need our help if they have any chance of survival, but I think they're just being hysterical. This son of a customs agent with the Charlie Chaplin mustache ain't going anywhere, but there's no telling that to Franklin Roosevelt, who's trying to convince his country to get involved. That's why he came up with this.

Donna

An eighth-grade social studies textbook?

Josh

Turn to the page I flagged.

Donna

The Lend-Lease Act.

Josh

Yeah. Simply put, a loan of arms to Russia and Britain with the understanding that they pay us back when the war was over. And he said this - he said, "If your neighbor's house is on fire, you don't haggle over the price of your garden hose." ... There are too many things in the world we can't do. Mexico's on fire. Why help them? Because we can.

Josh

I told her we were commissioning a poll to explore attitudes towards subsurface agricultural products.

Leo

Subsurface agricultural - What the hell?

Josh

Underground. We think Americans are eating more beets.

Leo

What do you want from me?

Josh

Thirty million dollars.

Leo

No.

Josh

Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too stupid to live?

No, I'm saying they're too stupid to be protected by the courts.

C.J.

We'll call them Answer A and Answer B.

Josh

Yeah.

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

Answer B...

Josh

'Are you out of your mind? I can't possibly win re-election. I lied about a degenerative illness. I'm the target of a Grand Jury investigation and Congress is about to take me out to lunch. I'd sooner have my family take their clothes off and dance the Tarantella on the Truman Balcony than go through a campaign with this around my neck.' [pause] You think that's too on the nose?

C.J.

I do.

Bruno

You were the one who sent them the press releases, right?

Josh

What press releases?

Bruno

Subcommittee. About tobacco.

Josh

Yes, I was.

Bruno

Well, that was stupid.

Josh

You think?

Bruno

No, I know.

Josh

I got two years as legislative director in the House, two years as floor director in the Senate, and thirty months as Deputy Chief of Staff. What do you got?

Bruno

Josh...

Josh

Kalmbach's a fat-ass Rotarian gasbag. I knew once I sent the thing he'd raise the profile and give us the press we needed.

Bruno

Kalmbach is vulnerable in his home state. He's got an influx of tech and other clean industries along his Route Nine corridor, along with the suburban voters that go with it - affluent parents who don't want their kids smoking.

Josh

We got the money, Bruno.

Bruno

You don't want the money. You want the issue. You should have waited until the fall when the bell rings and then we hammer them with it. Then Kalmbach, Leder, Ross, Roark, Steve - whoever gets the nomination - has it hanging around their necks they're nicotine pushers. [beat] Plus, you get the money. [long pause] The sooner you get I know what I'm talking about, and I'm on your side, the sooner your world gets better. Of course, you got the money. I'm amazed they didn't send it to you with candy and a stripper. Pennsylvania. Michigan. Ohio. Three swing states you could have brought over with that. That's an election.

Donna

I grew up on a farm.

Josh

You grew up in a condo.

Donna

I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!

Josh

Hey, I'm not the-

Donna

White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.

Josh

Yeah, me too.

Donna

I bet you have.

Josh

Look-

Donna

Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.