“Ways and Means” · Season 3
In this episode: C.J. Cregg (3), Donna Moss (3), Josh Lyman (2), Leo McGarry (1), Ainsley Hayes (1), Oliver Babish (1), Cliff (1)
I grew up on a farm.
You grew up in a condo.
I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
Hey, I'm not the-
White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.
Yeah, me too.
I bet you have.
Look-
Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
A subpoena is just a legal agreement to produce certain testimony and documents.
Yeah, but isn't that like the way a mugger uses a gun to produce your wallet?
What do you need?
I want you to get together with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
Do you?
Yes.
Why are you a Republican?
Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. No... I'm Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to constraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints.
What have you got?
Nothing. And you know why?
Rollins likes us.
I don't know if he likes us, but he doesn't hate us.
Well, that's just because he doesn't know us.
Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives?
I had a plan! Each box was numbered. There is a piece of paper with a number and a corresponding description of the contents of each box.
Well, where is the piece of paper? [Donna glares at him.]
It's... in one of these boxes. I had a plan. I grew up on a farm.
You grew up in a condo.
I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
Hey, I'm not the-
White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.
Yeah, me too.
I bet you have.
Look-
Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
Hey, seriously, you need to sleep for a while.
I can't yet. 'Cause in one of these boxes are FedEx receipts and mailroom records for any gifts or packages sent to senior staff, [starts yelling] and in one of these boxes is a piece of paper which says which box it's in!
I'll be in the office.
Your office is down the corridor about 200 feet from here. Try not to commit any felonies on the way.
I'll do my best.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
