Josh Lyman quotes from The West Wing

Donna

I shall do those things.

Josh

You shall?

Donna

I shall... and I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.

Josh

How about a weekly salary of some kind?

Donna

Yes, plus a favor.

Sam

[on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit, but if you really need me just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up.

Josh

SAM!!!

Toby

Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House.

Wow. Humongous whoop.

Josh

Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.

How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?

Josh

Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson.

Donna

Excuse me. I'm so sorry to interrupt in what obviously is a private moment between the two of you and your... two friends. We came in this morning...

We know who you are. We're not rednecks.

Donna

Okay. Well, I'm Donna Moss and this is my boss.

Josh

Josh Lyman.

Toby

Toby Ziegler.

Donna

Anyway, we're very crunched for time and we think that you...

Toby

I work at the White House.

Wow. Humongous whoop.

Josh

Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.

How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?

Josh

Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson. Tyler, no fooling around. We've got 15 minutes to get to a plane that is 3 miles from here. That plane-- I swear to God-- is taking off at 1:00.

It's taking off at 1:00?

Josh

Yes, it is.

Are you guys stupid or something? It's 1:45 right now.

Josh

It's 12:45.

No, not here it's not.

Donna

Oh, my God, she's right.

See, we crossed over from Unionville to Dearborn County which doesn't observe Daylight saving time.

I think it's the other way around, genius.

What did I ever do to you?

Donna

It says on the schedule, "All times are local." This is why I couldn't get anyone on their cell.

Josh

Wait. Wait. No. No. You're not... We changed time zones? We changed time... We changed time zones?!

It's a-a common mistake.

Josh

Not for the U.S. government!

Toby

What kind of schmuck-ass system could this possibly...

Josh

That's good! That's perfect!

Toby

How did...? I don't understand.

Josh

Perfect. Just the break I'm looking for.

Toby

What do...? What do...? People, they just... They reset their watches when they commute?

Josh

I can't take working here.

Toby

They just change their watches every time they cross a time zone? What is this, a joke?!

Josh

Serving my country.

Donna

Okay, this is a whole new thing now. My guys are going to need to walk this off a bit before they can regroup. Kiki, you and your friends get back to school. Tyler, you and I are going to come up with a plan to get us to a commercial airport.

Josh

You have an inadvertent habit of putting down my Judaism by implying that you have a sharper anti-Semitism meter than I do.

Toby

You know, the ancient Hebrews had a word for Jews from Westport: they pronounced it "Presbyterian."

Josh

And by saying things like that.

Toby

I'm just saying, I'm from Brighton Beach.

Josh

Well, Mohammed al Mohammed el Mohammed bin Bizir doesn't make the distinction when he suits up in the morning.

Toby

Well, as long as you have a good grasp of the complexity of that situation.

Donna

What the hell are the two of you talking about?

Toby

I assure you neither one of us knows.

Josh

Campaigns aren't about the candidates.

Toby

No?

Josh

They're about the voters. How-how are we going to create jobs? how-how are we going to get healthcare? How are we going to make the lights go on? How are we going to protect ourselves?

Toby

Don't you want to ask if the plumber knows which directions the pipes run? Don't you...? Forget the plumber. Don't... [sighs]... we want leadership to sound and feel like, instead of appealing to our-our least expensive, however legitimate, desire to feel good about ourselves? Don't we want...?

Donna

All right, that's it. I can't take it.

Toby

He started it.

Donna

I am not kidding. I have such an impulse to knock your heads together. I can't remember the last time I heard you two talk about anything other than how a campaign was playing in Washington. Cathy needed to take a second job so her dad could be covered by her insurance. She tried to tell you how bad things were for family farmers. You told her we already lost Indiana. You made fun of the fair but you didn't see they have livestock exhibitions and give prizes for the biggest tomato and the best heirloom apple. They're proud of what they grow. Eight modes of transportation, the kindness of six strangers, random conversations with twelve more, and nobody brought up Bartlet versus Ritchie but you. I'm writing letters, on your behalf to the parents of the kids who were killed today. Can I have the table, please?

Donna

We're here!

Josh

You know, everybody's really over that now.

CJ

Admiral Scott! Your expedition's returned!

Toby

Are they over it?

Josh

Yeah.

Bruno

Barnum, Bailey, and their sister Sue!

Josh

They're almost over it.

Josh

[to Sam] Would you tell him he doesn't have to worry about the district court?

Sam

I told him. [to Bruno] They're not going to rule for Sullivan.

Josh

He's worried 'cause it's Wengland.

Sam

He's not that crazy.

Bruno

I'll tell you, I'm not that comfortable with a federal judge being even a little bit crazy.

Josh

We run the risk of alienating...

Bartlet

Heroin addicts?

Josh

Liberals.

Bartlet

Whatever.

Sam

What's going on with you and Andy?

Toby

Nothing.

Sam

I think you're wrong.

Toby

I'm not.

Sam

I think you're getting back together.

Toby

We're not.

Sam

But you want to.

Toby

Yes.

Sam

I think... Wait. What?

Toby

See, sometimes if I slam on the brakes, you run right past.

Josh

Okay, fill us in on everything you've got so far between the two of you.

Toby

Yeah, that's what's going to happen right now.

Josh

Ten words: "I will make America's defenses the strongest in the history of the world."

Leo

"In the history of the world?" When we say that, are we comparing ourselves to the Visigoths, adjusted for inflation?

Gov. Ritchie

My view of this is simple: we don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you - "unfunded mandate." He's going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people.

President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer.

Bartlet

Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things. "Unfunded mandate" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. Now, I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?

Josh

Game on!

Bartlet

Ten words. Ten words.

Josh

We don't have them yet, Mr. President.

Bartlet

All right, let's do a drill.

C.J.

Mr. President, despite a rise in tension around the globe, you've held up funding for a missile defense shield.

Bartlet

Too much money for too little protection.

Good.

Bartlet

Next.

Josh

Sir, you oppose a voucher system that would offer children a choice of better schools...

Bartlet

That would offer some children a choice of better schools, but I haven't given up the ghost on better schools for everybody, and vouchers drain money from that goal.

Toby

Mr. President, this next question is on capital punishment, which you oppose: If your youngest daughter Zoey was raped and murdered, would you not want to see the man responsible put to death?

Bartlet

First of all, it's important to understand the President doesn't make that decision, though he appoints the Supreme Court Justices who do so. What... any... um... All right, I'm not going to say that. I'll just go right to... No, I don't. I think you know that I'm opposed.... [sighs] Let's not do that. I haven't seen any evidence that it's a deterrent, and there are more effective... In my state...

Toby

Oh, my God.

Bartlet

What?

Toby

[to Leo] You weren't kidding. [to Bartlet] What's the matter with you? When I left you... I just mentioned your daughter being murdered, and you're giving us an answer that's not only soporific, it's barely human! Yes, you'd want to see him put to death. You'd want it to be cruel and unusual, which is why it's probably a good idea that fathers of murder victims don't have legal rights in these situations. Now, we're going back to school.

Bartlet

Let's go-- ten bucks. Crisis of confidence. [to Leo] You did one square foot of real estate.

Leo

Yes, I did.

Bartlet

Ten bucks for you. [to Toby] And you-- You big bear, come to me. I'm going to kiss you right on the mouth.

C.J.

Ten bucks.

Leo

Anything else, sir?

Bartlet

Work hard.

Thank you, sir.

Josh

[to Sam] Have a safe flight.

Sam

I'll see you in San Diego.

Josh

[to Toby] Sorry about that. It was the President's idea. He bet us you couldn't stay quiet if he gave a bad answer. What?

Toby

He's ready.

Sam

Did you know Toby wrote a concession speech?

Josh

Of course he wrote a concession speech. What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?

Sam

The wrath from high atop the thing?

Toby

He upped and said we were gonna...

Josh

No! You gotta go outside, turn around three times and curse.

Toby

Spit.

Josh

Spit and curse.

Toby

Do everything.

Josh

Go!

Toby

Go!

GO!

C.J.

We think you should run.

Sam

Why? Why would you think something like that?

C.J.

Well, it was Josh's idea.

Josh

Actually, it was Amy's.

Sam

Why?

Amy

Well, I picked a trifecta with the California 47th, the sheriff's race in Arizona and the Tulsa Family Court.

Sam

Well, can I just give you the money and not...

Amy

I also think you'd be a home run choice. You're going to raise a lot of money. I'm going to help you and I have a hunch the President, who just won a landslide, will be making some visits as well. You'll be the best funded Democrat ever run in 47. You're not going to win, so you can't lose.

Josh

I think you'd energize the state party. We're not going to let you look like a fool. We won't allow it.

Sam

[to Toby] What do you think?

Toby

I don't think you should do it. Energizing the state party's good. A well-funded airing of the issues is good. So is mollifying House Democrats, but you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? You're going to lose. A Democrat's always loses in the 47th. Can't just pick up and try someplace else. They have a name for that.

Sam

I don't know. I don't know. I worked in a state assembly race in Manhattan, in a district where Democrats outnumbered Republicans sixteen to one. But everywhere we went, there'd be one lone poster of a right-wing nutbar who wanted to eliminate the income tax. And he was holding up signs an canvassing everywhere and bugging the local reporters until we had to comment on it. So I introduced myself to his campaign manager and I said 'What are you doing? Your candidate doesn't have a chance. Neither do your issues.' He said 'This is what I believe. And no candidate gets to run in my district without speaking to my issues.' I came this close to voting for him. So... I don't know about what you just said.

Toby

Then I think you should win.