Josiah Bartlet quotes from The West Wing

Bartlet

[re: soap opera] I don't understand. Don't any of these characters have jobs?

Charlie

I don't know, Mr. President. I think one of them is a surgeon.

Bartlet

They seem to have a lot of free time in the middle of the day.

Bartlet

What's on your mind?

Toby

The era of big government is over.

Bartlet

You want to cut the line?

Toby

I want to change the sentiment. [pause] We're running away from ourselves and I know we can score points that way, I was a principal architect of that campaign strategy right along with you, Josh. But we're here now, tomorrow night we do an immense thing; we have to say what we feel, that government, no matter what its failures in the past and in times to come for that matter, government can be a place where people come together and where no one gets left behind. No one...gets left behind. An instrument of good.

Bartlet

[practicing the State of the Union speech] I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission, to restore the American dream for all our people as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us... in the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?

Sam

Leo.

Leo

Let's take a break.

Bartlet

We meant 'stronger' here, right?

Sam

What does it say?

Bartlet

I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?

Sam

That's a typo.

Bartlet

Could go either way.

Bartlet

Abbey phoned me up and told me about your conversation. I was diagnosed about seven years ago. My life expectancy is normal. My particular course of MS is relapsing remitting, which means I should experience total recovery after attacks. Abbey gives me injections of something called Betaseron, and that reduces the frequency. Fever and stress tend to be two things that induces attacks.

Leo

Well, you're the President of the United States, you're delivering the State of the Union tomorrow night, India and Pakistan are pointing nuclear weapons at each other, and you have a 102-degree fever. So I guess we're out of the woods, hmm?

Bartlet

101.9.

Leo

Jed, of all the things you could've kept from me...

Bartlet

You haven't called me 'Jed' since I was elected.

Leo

[sits] Why didn't you tell me?

Bartlet

'Cause I wanted to be the President.

Leo

That wouldn't have stopped me from getting you here. And I could've been a friend.

Bartlet

You've been a friend.

Leo

But when it was time to really...

Bartlet

I know.

Bartlet

What have you got for me, John?

Lord John Marbury

Well, um, after speaking at length this past week with your secretaries of state and defense, as well as your joint chiefs and various embassy officials, I believe this. Buy them off.

Bartlet

Buy them?

Lord John Marbury

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

How?

Lord John Marbury

Mr. President, for several centuries, my kingdom has ruled India with a stick and carrot. When we had a particular problem with someone, one solution we would try is to make him a maharaja. That's kind of a regional king. We would pay him off with an annual tribute, and in return, he would be loyal to the crown.

Leo

Lord Marbury, under our Constitution, our President is not empowered to create maharajas.

Lord John Marbury

Yes. Thank you for clearing that up, Leo. Having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.

Bartlet

John, please.

Lord John Marbury

You've been paying the world off since the industrial age. Foreign aid, during the Cold War was you paying dictators to be on your side. To this very day, you pay Korea not to develop nuclear weapons.

Bartlet

What does India want?

Lord John Marbury

A computer industry, and for that, they require an infrastructure, and that is what you can give them.

Leo

Why?

Lord John Marbury

It's the price you pay.

Leo

For avoiding a war halfway around the world?

Lord John Marbury

For being rich, free and alive all at the same time, and for the criminally negligent behavior of your Congress in not checking the proliferation of nuclear devices.

Bartlet

OK, Roger. If anything happened, you know what to do, right?

I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir.

Bartlet

First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to DEFCON 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. If he tells you he wants to bring out the National Guard, do what he tells you. [pause] You got a best friend?

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Is he smarter than you?

[chuckles] Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Would you trust him with your life?

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

That's your chief of staff.

Bartlet

Is Simon Blye coming in to meet with you today?

Leo

How did you know that?

Bartlet

I broke into your secret schedule compartment and took infrared photos with my compact camera.

Bartlet

Mrs. Landingham.

Yes sir?

Bartlet

You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.

I'm afraid not sir, no.

Bartlet

Why not?

You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.

Bartlet

I wasn't snippy!

I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir.

Bartlet

Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To CJ as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me.

Bartlet

I want you to know that I had a number of people on my staff search for a reason the public would find palatable to commute the sentence. Technicality. Any evidence of racism.

So your staff spent the weekend looking for a way out.

Bartlet

Yeah.

Like the kid in right field who doesn't want the ball to get hit to him.

Bartlet

I'm the leader of a democracy, Tom. 71% of the people support capital punishment. The people have spoken. The courts have spoken.

Did you call the Pope?

Bartlet

Yeah.

And how do you do that?

Bartlet

Oh, for crying out loud, Tom. I open my mouth and say, "Somebody get me the Pope."

[raising a finger to emphasize his point] Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. President, but I was thinking... [pause] You're just this kid from my parish, and now you're calling the Pope.

Bartlet

Anyway...I looked for a way out, I really did.

"Vengeance is mine," sayeth the Lord. You know what that means? God is the only one who gets to kill people.

Bartlet

I know.

That was your way out.

Bartlet

I know.

Did you pray?

Bartlet

I did, Tom. I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom.

And none came?

Bartlet

It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that. [glances at his watch as it hits midnight] I'm not kidding.

You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, "I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me."

Bartlet

Charlie, I'm going to ask you a question. And this is one of those times that it's OK to tell me I've stepped over the line, and I should shut my mouth, okay?

Charlie

Okay.

Bartlet

What happened to the guy who shot your mother?

Charlie

They haven't found him yet, sir.

Bartlet

If they did, would you want to see him executed? Killing a police officer is a capital crime. I figured you must have thought about it.

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

And?

Charlie

I wouldn't want to see him executed, Mr. President. [pause] I'd want to do it myself.

Bartlet

[looks thoughtful] Yeah.

Josh

You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

Bartlet

I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No.

Bartlet

Why am I going to be reading that I do?

Josh

It was suggested in the press room that you do.

Bartlet

By who?

Josh

By me.

Bartlet

You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.

Josh

I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!

Bartlet

You were clear?

Josh

I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that, if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!

Bartlet

Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?

Bartlet

Charlie, do you realize you are committing a federal offense right now?

Charlie

I'll take my chances with the feds, sir.

Bartlet

How do you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? Come to think of it, where the hell is my wife?

Charlie

Argentina, sir.

Bartlet

Oh yeah.

Bartlet

Have you slept yet?

Charlie

No, sir.

Bartlet

Good.

Bartlet

I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife is in Argentina. Let's get this over with.

Josh

First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.

Bartlet

Who did?

Josh

I did.

Bartlet

Oh, God.

Josh

You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

Bartlet

I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No.

Bartlet

Why am I going to be reading that I do?

Josh

It was suggested in the press room that you do.

Bartlet

By who?

Josh

By me.

Bartlet

You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.

Bartlet

Josh, I'm a little confused.

Josh

Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There was no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.

Bartlet

Okay, before we go on: C.J., if blood is gushing from a head wound you just received from a herd of stampeding bison, you'll do the press briefings.

C.J.

Yes sir.

Toby

What, I'm not coming in the car?

Bartlet

No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole.

Toby

I didn't!

Bartlet

I could tell you were thinking it.

Toby

...Fair enough.