Josiah Bartlet quotes from The West Wing

Bartlet

Okay. Zoey's 19 and she wants to be a teenager. She wants a college experience, and I can't blame her. I loved college. So did my other daughters. I want Zoey to be comfortable with her protection, I don't want her to try and give you the slip. It's not your job to tell me she wants to cut English Lit, it's not your job to tell me if she's dying her hair blue, or going to a strip club, or whatever it is she's doing with her friends. You know what your job is.

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Thank you.

[gets up and shakes his hand] Thank you, Mr. President.

Bartlet

Gina?

Yes, sir?

Bartlet

If she's cutting English Lit, I want to know about it.

No deal, Mr. President.

Bartlet

Okay. [smiles]

Mr. President, do you want to sew up reelection right now? Do you want a lock on your second term right here, right now in this room?

Bartlet

What do you got?

Josh

Why do you encourage him?

Bartlet

What do you got, Al?

A truckload of voters, Mr. President, about 47%, overwhelmingly white men, pool and patio types, who voted against you by 20 plus points. They share an affinity towards authority, a President. And they see you as smart and having vision, so why didn't they vote for you? Because they also see you as a wimp. Two-thirds of them on a thermometer place you as some degree of weak.

Josh

We've heard these numbers before.

Bartlet

Yeah, but I never get tired of hearing them, you know. Especially in front of my daughter.

Look, I get that this is not the most popular idea in the room. But I got numbers, and I know numbers, and I trust numbers. And the reason you're all looking a little pale right now is so do you. This is not theoretical. The flag burning amendment made it through the House with 20 votes over the required two-thirds. It hasn't made it through the Senate yet, but that day will come, that day will come, that day will come soon. Laws against flag burning are favored overwhelmingly in the polls, and a constitutional amendment won't be subject to a Presidential veto, or overturning by the Supreme Court.

Toby

Look...

This all adds up to one thing, Mr. President. It's over! The game's been played and won. But because of guys like me, you get the results before anyone else does, so you get to pick which side you're on. And not only do we get to be on the winning team, we get to lead the winning team.

Josh

Excuse me.

Toby, you're smiling.

Toby

I just figured out who you were.

He's going to say Satan.

Toby

No. You're the guy that runs into 7-Eleven to get Satan a pack of cigarettes.

Bartlet

Try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece and take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that?

Leo

Yeah.

Bartlet

Yeah, Leo says I can do that.

Abbey

Okay. So just ease up on the high ground.

On that point I concede the high ground.

Abbey

And I concede I was wrong about the thing.

Good.

Abbey

However...

No. No "however". Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.

Bartlet

[reading from a book by George Washington] "In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered."

C.J.

Well... I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.

You're not getting enough roughage in your diet, you know I'm right about that.

Bartlet

I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure.

Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all Presidential.

Toby

Mr. President.

Bartlet

We were almost done.

Toby

I... met with Congresswoman Wyatt today.

Bartlet

When you were married to her, did you call her Congresswoman Wyatt?

Toby

No, sir.

Bartlet

Sometimes I call my wife Dr. Bartlet.

Toby

I call her Andy or uh... Andrea.

Bartlet

Okay.

Toby

Mandatory Minimums.

Bartlet

You're whupped, my friend.

Toby

Sir.

Bartlet

No, she's been talking to you for a year about Mandatory Minimums. You've been saying no. Looks like we know who wears the pants in the Ziegler family.

Toby

You call your wife “Dr. Bartlet”?

Bartlet

Just for the turn-on.

Bartlet

We agree on nothing, Max.

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.

You know why?

Bartlet

Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.

Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.

Bartlet

Yes, you are.

We agree about that.

Bartlet

What do we do with him?

Sam

Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay.

Bartlet

What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?

Sam

Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.

Bartlet

I like this. Because, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home.

Bartlet

I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador.

Toby

Why not?

Bartlet

Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for.

Toby

Well, Sam's got you covered.

Bartlet

How?

Sam

You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.

Bartlet

To what?

Sam

Ambassador to Paraguay.

Bartlet

And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay?

Sam

You make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.

Bartlet

Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.

Bartlet

Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?

Toby

I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a... a certain... big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible, but for the moment I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.

Bartlet

We agree on nothing, Max.

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.

You know why?

Bartlet

Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.

Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.

Bartlet

Yes, you are.

We agree about that.

Bartlet

We also agree on campaign finance.

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

So, Max.

Yes, sir?

Bartlet

Let's work together on campaign finance.

You don't have the votes in the House.

Bartlet

I don't need them. 1978, the FEC voted a regulatory rule that opened the door to soft money. The FEC can close it again with 4 of the 6 votes. We don't need a law.

And how are you going to get the four votes?

Bartlet

Two seats opened up, I nominated Bacon and Calhoun.

That's two.

Bartlet

Barry Haskel was with us already. We took him out of the closet.

How are you going to get the 4th seat to open up?

Bartlet

Toby's going to take care of that right away. Max, can I count on your support to confirm my candidates?

And what do I get in exchange?

Bartlet

[beat] The thanks of a grateful President.

Good answer, sir.

Bartlet

[to Toby] Go.

Bartlet

Here's another one. Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You're lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out." [audience laughs]

Mr. President, do you have time for one more question?

Bartlet

I don't think I answered the last one. Suzanne's got me telling jokes. Here's an answer to your question that I don't think you're going to like: the current crop of 18-25 year olds is the most politically apathetic generation in American history. In 1972, half of that age group voted. In the last election, 32%. Your generation is considerably less likely than any previous one to write or call public officials, attend rallies, or work on political campaigns. A man once said this, "decisions are made by those who show up." So are we failing you, or are you failing us? It's a little of both.

Bartlet

You're not going to spoil my good time for me.

Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true.

Bartlet

Yeah.

You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.

Bartlet

Do you see me walking out the door?

No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.

[on operating table] It didn't hit anything, they're just gonna look around and make sure.

Zoey

Are you in a lot of pain?

No...

Zoey

Are you lying?

Yeah, cause I want these guys to tell reporters that I was brave and joking around.

Zoey

You are brave. You were so good tonight, Dad.