Josiah Bartlet quotes from The West Wing

Toby

They don't have the votes to override.

Sam

Says you.

Toby

Says me, Josh, the Office of Political Liaison, Legislative Liaison and the Minority Whip.

Bartlet

Sometimes it's like I don't even need to be here.

Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music. They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume. These are the properties of music and music has the ability to find us and move us and lift us up in ways that literal meaning can't.

Abbey

You are an oratorical snob.

Yes, and God loves me for it.

Abbey

You said he was sending you to hell.

For other stuff, not for this.

Bartlet

[on the Vice President's refusal to endorse gun control in his home state] You're a hero in Texas!

I was a hero in Texas.

Bartlet

Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions?

They're not my convictions, they're yours.

Bartlet

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music. They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume. These are the properties of music and music has the ability to find us and move us and lift us up in ways that literal meaning can't.

Abbey

You are an oratorical snob.

Yes, and God loves me for it.

Abbey

You said he was sending you to hell.

For other stuff, not for this. You can't just trod out Ephesians, which he blew, by the way, it has nothing with husbands and wives, it's all of us. Saint Paul begins the passage: "Be subject to one another out of reverence to Christ." [passionately] "Be subject to one another." In this day and age of 24-hour cable crap, devoted to feeding the voyeuristic gluttony of the American public, hooked on a bad soap opera that's passing itself off as important, don't you think you might be able to find some relevance in verse 21? How do you end the cycle? Be subject to one another!

Abbey

So... This is about you.

No, it's not about me! Well, yes, it is about me, but tomorrow it'll be about somebody else. We'll watch Larry King and see who. [shouts] All hacks, off the stage! Right now! That's a national security order.

Twenty-nine states have "shall issue" laws.

Bartlet

And if you look at the state of New Jersey, which has a "may issue" law-if you look at changing that one word...

Look, I'm not saying...

Bartlet

Changing that one word means law enforcement can decide who gets a concealed weapon and when and where they can carry it. Texas has a "may issue" law in front of a legislature right now, and you going down there...

Me going down there is suicide, sir, and you know it.

Bartlet

It's counter-scheduling. You go in front of an unfriendly audience. You tell them something they don't want to hear-it shows you have courage.

So the editor of the New York Times will think I have courage, while the people who decide elections...

Bartlet

You're a hero in Texas!

I was a hero in Texas.

Bartlet

Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions?

They're not my convictions, they're yours.

Bartlet

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Forty percent of Americans have a gun in their home.

Bartlet

Only 16% believe gun ownership is an absolute right. Only 9% believe it's an absolute wrong. There's a middle. We can win them!

[testily] Not when we're running the MS defense, Mr. President!

Bartlet

Which we wouldn't have been doing if...

If what, sir?

Bartlet

Nothing.

Bartlet

You outed me, John. With that trip to Nashua, with the oil companies. You wanted people to start asking questions.

I needed to start running because nobody told me I wasn't! And you announced it! And I found out on television!

Bartlet

[yelling] So did my wife.

[yelling] This whole thing was mismanaged, sir!

Bartlet

Look...

[yelling] It was blown!

Bartlet

Yes, it was.

Yes, it was!

Bartlet

It's not easy being my Vice President, is it?

[sighs] No, sir.

Bartlet

I wouldn't think so. But it's the only way you're gonna get the nomination. You know that, right? If I win.

Yeah. And the only way you're gonna win is if I'm on the ticket. You know that, don't you, sir?

Bartlet

Yeah.

Bartlet

You'll go to Texas?

[nods] I want a seat at the table.

Bartlet

Yeah.

Leo

We've got to meet with Albie.

Leo

You'll be fine.

Bartlet

I've got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say 'what if a friend of mine hypothetically...'

Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.

Toby

What the hell is...

Bartlet

Shhhh. Hello!!

How can I help you, sir?

Bartlet

Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.

Well, thank you. May I have your name please?

Bartlet

I'm a citizen.

I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.

Bartlet

I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.

And your address?

Bartlet

Fargo.

Your street address, please?

Toby

[picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]

Bartlet

My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.

Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.

Bartlet

I do radio commercials for... products.

And how can I help you?

Bartlet

[sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?

It can also be baked in a casserole dish.

Bartlet

Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]

I suppose.

Bartlet

If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.

Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.

Bartlet

All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?

Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.

Bartlet

Excellent! Let's talk temperature.

One hundred and sixty-five degrees.

Bartlet

No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.

Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.

Bartlet

Okay. Good testing!

Do you have an accurate thermometer?

Bartlet

Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in...

Toby

[whispering] Fargo.

Bartlet

Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.

Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!

Bartlet

And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.

Bartlet

Were we talking about something?

CJ

I don't know sir, when I came in here – back in the late 50s – there was a purpose to it but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the conversation about anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey I simply lost consciousness.

Bartlet

You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?

CJ

I'm coming up to it?

Bartlet

No, no, look behind you.

With the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not.

Abbey

I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.

Me, too.

Abbey

They came to me. They said, "What do you think about having Thanksgiving at Camp David instead of New Hampshire?" They told me why, I said fine.

And what part are you leaving out now?

Abbey

The part where I lied to you.

Yes!

Abbey

Yes! I do that sometimes. Sometimes I don't wanna go fifteen rounds on Bess Truman and what constitutes a farm. On your behalf, I have responded to polling information telling me what I should wear, and what I should say, to say nothing of the fact that I have been subpoenaed to answer questions before Congress on how I secretly kept you alive. So explain to me now how what I did was out of line.

You know what? It was.

Abbey

[pause] I know.

Well, with the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not.

Abbey

I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.

Me, too.

Bartlet

Did the Celtics win last night?

Charlie

No, they got crushed.

Bartlet

'Kay, when I say 'Did they win?' you can just say yes or no.

Charlie

They got pretty well crushed.

Bartlet

[on phone] Listen, I don't care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me you're going to damn well do it.

Leo

Sir, this isn't a secure call, so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then.

In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no amount of money, man-power or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid.

Bartlet

God, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.

Bartlet

A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?

Bartlet

I'm really asking.

Josh

Well, how close are we to really being able to do this?

Bartlet

Nobody knows.

Josh

Then...

Bartlet

Toby.

Toby

It'll be seen as a political ploy.

Bartlet

Why?

C.J.

It can be seen... [to Toby] Excuse me. [to Bartlet] It can be seen as self-serving.

Bartlet

How?

C.J.

Using cancer to deflect attention from MS.

Bartlet

You think people with cancer care what my motives are? You think their families do?

C.J.

I'm saying...

Bartlet

Joey?

Joey

I agree with everything that's been said, except, I don't think they'll see it as deflecting the MS. I think they'll see it as deflecting the censure.

Bartlet

Once again, why would somebody...?

Joey

Everybody cares about motive, Mr. President.

Bartlet

I didn't...

She said, "Everybody cares about motive," sir.

Bartlet

Sam.

Sam

Yes sir?

Bartlet

Why shouldn't I do it?

Sam

I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.