Dave quotes from The War at Home

Vicky

Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? I'm cleaning up. Jodi's gonna be here any second. I don't want her to think we live like animals.

Dave

Yeah, God forbid your slutty, drunkie friend looks down on us.

Vicky

Well, all three times I had to tell you that, I made you a nice meal and got you all liquored up first.

Dave

Yeah, well, I'm hungry and sober, so...

Vicky

I'm not pregnant.

Dave

Thank God! Wait a second. Why would you even think you're pregnant? You're on the pill, right? You are on the pill, aren't you?

Vicky

Technically, no.

Dave

Technically? Vicky, come on, I don't want "technically." Okay, we already have three accidents. I mean, Allstate won't even insure that uterus, okay?

Mike

Great. I guess I have to sell a hotel.

Larry

You can just owe it to me, I guess.

Dave

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're half-Jewish, half-Italian. Okay, that means you charge him as much as you can and if he doesn't pay, you break his legs.

Vicky

We know that, you idiot!

Dave

Yeah, what's the matter with you, huh? How can you do something like that?

Vicky

You scared us!

Dave

How are we supposed to know when there's something's really wrong with you, you moron!

Vicky

You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel?

Dave

Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career.

Vicky

What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club?

Dave

In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!

Dave

That's good, Mike. Reallly, I-I gotta tell you, I'm very, very impressed by your commitment and, uh, spirituality. I really, really am. Can I make one comment, though?

Mike

Sure, what's that?

Dave

You're full of crap!

Dave

(answering the phone) Hello?

Hillary

Hi, Daddy.

Dave

What's going on, Hillary? Where are you?

Hillary

I fell and I hurt my ankle. I'm at the emergency room.

Dave

Okay, just relax, okay? We'll be there in ten minutes.

Hillary

Actually, it's gonna take a little longer than ten minutes.

Dave

What the hell kind of mall did you go to?

Hillary

Oh, did I say "mall"? I meant "ski resort."

Mike

I don't want to go.

Dave

Come on, it's Florida, all right? Everybody wants to go. Two million Cubans can't be wrong.

Dave

I want to go down there, and I want to have the best vacation ever, okay and I want to show my father what a loving, terrific, and beautiful family I have.

Mike

Oh, my God, you have another family?

Vicky

Sure, go ahead. But when you're done, could you do me a favor?

Dave

Yeah.

Vicky

Shove it up your ***.

Dave

Well, if I do, it's not going to be because you told me to.

Dave

Honey, after 17 years, I don't even take off my pants without telling you.

Vicky

Well, you gotta call the credit card company right away, because if you didn't open it and I didn't open it, then it could be identity theft.

Dave

Yeah, right, like anyone would want my identity.

(to Dave) I was going to suspend your license for 90 days and fine you $500, but given these new circumstances, I can no longer do that.

Dave

Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you. Thank you very much.

You are, however, guilty of perjury and of falsifying a police report. The court hereby fines you $5,000.

Dave

What the hell is wrong with my daughter? Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut like every other ungrateful teenager? Freakin' big mouth.

Vicky

Honey, I share a bathroom with you. I think about breaking up with you every morning.

Dave

No, no, seriously, tell me, have you actually thought about breaking up with me? Because I can't think of one reason why anyone would want to break up with me.

Vicky

(laughs) Trust me, there have been situations.

Dave

Yeah? Well, tell me one.

Vicky

How about the time when I was pregnant with Hillary and my water broke & your first instinct was to criticize me because I ruined the upholstery of your Camaro.

Dave

It was a new car!

Hillary

I'm going to be a singer. In fact, when I win my first Grammy, I already have my speech prepared.

Dave

Yeah, what's that?

Hillary

This is for my parents... to shove it up their ass!

Dave

Yeah, you win a Grammy, I'll let you shove it my ass!

Dave

What?

Larry

Kenny's dad promised to take us to the big comic book convention in Philadelphia this weekend, but then, at the last minute, he canceled.

Dave

You see, that's why I never promise my kids anything. If they don't expect anything, they'll never be disappointed. It also applies to wives and foreplay.