Dave quotes from The War at Home

Vicky

Dave, Hillary wants to spend the night over at a boy's house.

Dave

No ****ing way, now you go to your ****ing room and don't come the **** out until I ****ing say so!

Vicky

It's good to have you back.

Dave

Larry, if there's one thing I know about, it's how to ruin a relationship with a brother. If you don't believe me, ask your Uncle Eric.

Larry

I have an Uncle Eric?

Dave

(to Larry) Now, look, Heidi was Mike's first girlfriend, so stop teasing him.

Mike

Ha!

Dave

(to Mike) And for all we know, Heidi could be Larry's last girlfriend, so you lay off.

Larry

Ha ha! Hey, wait, what?

Dave

Just relax, okay, my plan is working.

Vicky

Oh, you mean the plan you pulled out of your ass?

Dave

Yeah, that one.

Vicky

Okay, well, keep pulling. Maybe we can get your head out of there.

Dave

So... Tiffany's, uh, quite the young lady.

Oh, please. She's a nightmare. I want to drop her off in a field, then move, then kill myself to make sure she doesn't find me.

Dave

You know, that son of yours just cursed at me.

Vicky

Wow, you actually stopped yelling at Larry long enough for him to swear at you?

Dave

Hey, you know, when I was a kid, I never would have talked to my father that way. I did it behind his back as a sign of respect.

Vicky

Well, what did you do to him?

Dave

What's that supposed to mean?

Vicky

Well, just that he's a pretty sweet-natured kid. You must have done something to piss him off. Come on, Dave, can't you just try to get along?

Dave

For your information, Vicky, I was trying. I sat down with him to watch TV, we talked about "The Lord of the Rings" which he loves so much, and then, out of nowhere, he opens his big mouth and curses at me. I mean, what kind of **** is that?

Dave

Hey, what's going on? What are you two doing?

Larry

We're just playing this really cool computer simulation game, where you get to interact with thousands of people in a virtual world. You can earn virtual money and buy virtual property, and...

Dave

Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard about this game. I heard it's so realistic that you guys can't get dates there, either.

Dave

Kenny, come out of the closet right now!

If only it were that easy.

Hillary

You've never liked any boy I've ever brought home.

Dave

Oh, that's not true.

Hillary

You know what, why don't you just pick my next boyfriend?

Dave

No, no, no, no. I don't pick out. I kick out.

Dave

What are you talking about? We do a lot of fun things together.

Vicky

Oh, yeah, we have a ball. There's nothing better than sitting on the couch watching TV, bitching about our kids during commercials.

Dave

Come on, that's not all we do.

Vicky

That's true. Sometimes we bitch about our jobs, too.

Vicky

Relax, Dave. It's one game of Dungeons & Dragons.

Dave

Oh, no, there's no one game of Dungeons & Dragons. Okay, once you start that game, you're hooked, okay? It's like crack for losers.

Dave

Now go to your room and stay there.

Larry

I'm being sent to my room for getting beaten up?

Dave

Yes.

Larry

This is completely unfair!

Dave

All right, one more word out of you and I'm gonna make you play basketball.

Larry

What's going on?

I'm gay.

Larry

Excuse me?

I'm gay.

Larry

No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

Larry

No, you're not.

Dave

Yeah, he is!

Larry

Hey, Dad, can I have $40? I need it so I can take out this girl.

Dave

Oh, hey, here's 50 bucks. And some Tic Tacs.

Larry

No, thanks. I don't need those.

Dave

Oh, yeah, you do. So, who's the girl?

Larry

Actually, it's two girls.

Mike

Two girls for $50? Wow, that's half what you usually pay.

Larry

Well, I guess your mom works cheap. (laughs)

Mike

Larry, Larry, for the last time, making "your mom" jokes to your own brother, it just defeats the whole purpose.

Vicky

I'm just saying Kenny's acting like he's fine, but I can tell he's crying on the inside.

Dave

Good. That's where he should cry. That's where I've been crying for the last 30 years, and it hasn't hurt me any. (opens a beer and drinks it)

Vicky

Hasn't hurt the beer industry, either.