Larry quotes from The War at Home

Larry

(about Tiffany) You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You should judge it by its smokin' hot body!

Mike

Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us.

Larry

It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Mike

This isn't about you.

Mike

Great. I guess I have to sell a hotel.

Larry

You can just owe it to me, I guess.

Dave

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're half-Jewish, half-Italian. Okay, that means you charge him as much as you can and if he doesn't pay, you break his legs.

Dave

What?

Larry

Kenny's dad promised to take us to the big comic book convention in Philadelphia this weekend, but then, at the last minute, he canceled.

Dave

You see, that's why I never promise my kids anything. If they don't expect anything, they'll never be disappointed. It also applies to wives and foreplay.

Dave

Larry, if there's one thing I know about, it's how to ruin a relationship with a brother. If you don't believe me, ask your Uncle Eric.

Larry

I have an Uncle Eric?

Dave

(to Larry) Now, look, Heidi was Mike's first girlfriend, so stop teasing him.

Mike

Ha!

Dave

(to Mike) And for all we know, Heidi could be Larry's last girlfriend, so you lay off.

Larry

Ha ha! Hey, wait, what?

Dave

Hey, what's going on? What are you two doing?

Larry

We're just playing this really cool computer simulation game, where you get to interact with thousands of people in a virtual world. You can earn virtual money and buy virtual property, and...

Dave

Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard about this game. I heard it's so realistic that you guys can't get dates there, either.

Dave

Now go to your room and stay there.

Larry

I'm being sent to my room for getting beaten up?

Dave

Yes.

Larry

This is completely unfair!

Dave

All right, one more word out of you and I'm gonna make you play basketball.

Larry

What's going on?

I'm gay.

Larry

Excuse me?

I'm gay.

Larry

No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

Larry

No, you're not.

Dave

Yeah, he is!

Larry

Hey, Dad, can I have $40? I need it so I can take out this girl.

Dave

Oh, hey, here's 50 bucks. And some Tic Tacs.

Larry

No, thanks. I don't need those.

Dave

Oh, yeah, you do. So, who's the girl?

Larry

Actually, it's two girls.

Mike

Two girls for $50? Wow, that's half what you usually pay.

Larry

Well, I guess your mom works cheap. (laughs)

Mike

Larry, Larry, for the last time, making "your mom" jokes to your own brother, it just defeats the whole purpose.

Larry

There he is! The greatest dad in the world!

Dave

You're not getting any more money.

Larry

I hate you!

Dave

Hey, look, I found my old notebook with all my old rhymes in it.

Larry

You held on to that, and yet you threw away any picture of me before the age of ten.

Dave

I was doing you a favor. You were not a photogenic child.

Dave

You have no idea what it's like to have an unsupportive father like that.

Larry

I'm sure it could cause some real damage.

Dave

You have no idea, freak show. No idea.

Larry

Yeah, but I thought Mom and Dad were happy.

Hillary

Really? Douchebag and Skank never struck you as odd pet names?

Dave

What the hell are you doing sitting by the trash cans?

Larry

Just hanging out.

Dave

Oh, I know I told you you were garbage before, but I didn't mean it literally.