Mike quotes from The War at Home

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Scenes with Mike 12

Mike

Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us.

It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Mike

This isn't about you.

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Mike

Hey, Hillary, you were an accident!

Shut up, so were you!

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Mike (to Hillary): Okay, here's the deal. If I go into the honors program, I'll have a built-in excuse for getting bad grades.

Hillary

Wow, maybe I should go into the honors program.

Mike

On the other hand, everyone's gonna call me a geek, and I'll have no chance of landing a hot girl. I mean, I'll be facing Larry-like odds.

Hillary

Oh, yeah, I see your point.

Mike

But being in honors could actually improve my chances. There are 22 hot girls in the regular program and about 300 guys, which means I have a 1-in-14 probability of getting one. But in honors, I'd be the one normal guy competing for the one cute girl. My odds go from 7% to 100%. So, balancing all those factors, what do you think I should do?

Hillary

I think you should go into the smart group 'cause I don't even know what the hell you're talking about anymore.

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Mike

Hey, this is for you.

(reads paper) A meeting with the principal? (to Vicky) Hey, this is for you.

Vicky

What did you do this time?

Mike

Nothing.

The last time you did nothing, it took four months for Larry to grow his hair back.

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Mike

Mom, it's not fair. Why do I have to give up my room for your stupid friend?

Hey, hey, for your information, that room was supposed to be our guest room. You're lucky we even let you use it.

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Larry (while playing Monopoly): Yes! With two houses, you owe me $500.

Mike

Great. I guess I have to sell a hotel.

You can just owe it to me, I guess.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're half-Jewish, half-Italian. Okay, that means you charge him as much as you can and if he doesn't pay, you break his legs.

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That's good, Mike. Reallly, I-I gotta tell you, I'm very, very impressed by your commitment and, uh, spirituality. I really, really am. Can I make one comment, though?

Mike

Sure, what's that?

You're full of crap!

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Mike

I don't want to go.

Come on, it's Florida, all right? Everybody wants to go. Two million Cubans can't be wrong.

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I want to go down there, and I want to have the best vacation ever, okay and I want to show my father what a loving, terrific, and beautiful family I have.

Mike

Oh, my God, you have another family?

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(to Larry) Now, look, Heidi was Mike's first girlfriend, so stop teasing him.

Mike

Ha!

(to Mike) And for all we know, Heidi could be Larry's last girlfriend, so you lay off.

Ha ha! Hey, wait, what?

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Hey, Dad, can I have $40? I need it so I can take out this girl.

Oh, hey, here's 50 bucks. And some Tic Tacs.

No, thanks. I don't need those.

Oh, yeah, you do. So, who's the girl?

Actually, it's two girls.

Mike

Two girls for $50? Wow, that's half what you usually pay.

Well, I guess your mom works cheap. (laughs)

Mike

Larry, Larry, for the last time, making "your mom" jokes to your own brother, it just defeats the whole purpose.

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Mike

Alright, I've been up all night brainstorming, and I think you're both going to be very pleased.

Wow, you know, this is the first time I've ever been excited about having a little brother since they brought you home from the hospital and I realized that no one would pay any attention to me ever again... (pauses) So what do you got?