I only have one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter: if she sees your penis, I'll cut it off.
All S1
Characters
DaveMichael Rapaport · 75 quotes
VickyAnita Barone · 33 quotes
LarryKyle Sullivan · 16 quotes
MikeDean Collins · 13 quotes
HillaryKaylee DeFer · 8 quotes
Most scenes together: Dave & Vicky (28), Dave & Larry (12), Dave & Mike (9)
S1 E15Unfinished Business
My dad had it easy. In his day, if you brought home a paycheck and didn't beat your kids, you were father of the year.
Dave (to Vicky about Hillary): Your daughter's all moody and crying about something.
Hillary's been moody and crying since she was 12. Where have you been?
(to Dave about Larry) Okay, so one time he wore women's clothing.
One time we know about.
Remember, last year, he wanted to be a rock star? He quit guitar lessons after two weeks. You know, it's possible that this whole cross-dressing thing is just an experimental phase.
Well, why doesn't he just experiment with drugs like every other teenager?
When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say - not as I hope you don't know I do."
It's true. Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs. So there's an important lesson here. Don't have kids.
Omar (to Dave): How do you figure?
Well, you do have to admit that there are probably less black people applying to Yale. Right? So, I'd imagine that they'd probably have to keep a certain number of spots open for you guys.
OOmar
What are you saying -- I got into Yale because of affirmative action? Because I have never gotten any advantage for being black, not one.
No, I didn't say anything about affirmative action. Did I say anything about that? Come on, it's not like I was calling you a token.
OOmar
A what?! You think I'm a token?
No, no, no, I said you weren't a token. Don't be so sensitive, Omar.
OOmar
Oh, so now I'm an overly sensitive token. Okay. You know what? I've had enough. I think we should go.
No, no, it's okay.
No, no, no, Vicky. If he wants to go, let him go. He said he didn't even want to come here today. You know, I think he might be a little bit of a racist.
(to Vicky about Omar) Why should I apologize to him?
Because this is Hillary's boyfriend's family and after the way you acted, I wouldn't be surprised if they never even let him see her again.
Good! Good. Then this barbecue wasn't all for nothing.
Okay, fine. You know what? Do it. Don't do it. It's your decision.
Huh! And what? If I don't apologize, you're going to what? Like, withold sex from me?
No, why should I be punished? I'll have sex with you, but don't expect me to talk to you.
You know, sex with no talking, that's, uh, not exactly a threat, Vicky.
When it comes to raising kids, everyone has an opinion. Let 'em cry, don't let 'em cry. Let 'em watch TV, don't let 'em watch TV. Spank 'em, don't spank 'em. But the one thing that everyone agrees on is, sooner or later, you have to trust them and hope you raised them right. I'm totally screwed.
Dave (to Vicky about Hillary): I can just imagine the line of crap that Kyle kid is feeding her. "I love you so much, baby. Why should we wait if it's the right time, baby? Come on, baby, let's do it right now, baby."
Come on, she's not an idiot.
You fell for it!
Hillary (to Vicky): Well, you have a big chest. Why don't I?
Well, you know, you probably just take after your dad's side of the family. You do have two sets of genes, you know.
Hey, don't blame me. Okay? Even the men on my side of the family have big boobs.
At no time in history has a culture been so focused on how they look as we are today. Between the diets, the liposuction, Botox, LASIKS, it's crazy, and who's responsible? The media, and God bless 'em. I mean, who wants to look at fat, ugly people?
When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was sneak into "R" rated movies. In my mind, "R" stood for "really good." Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everyhing; video games, music, booze, cigarettes. You think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things. When, actually, it's sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look. Good stuff over here." (A disclaimer appears on screen that says: "Due to the mature subject matter, the following episode may not be suitable for all family members." (Dave glances down at disclaimer) See? Makes you wanna watch even more, doesn't it?
Vicky (to Dave): What was that?
Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun.
His what?
Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him.
Dave! Why didn't you ask me first?
(Cut scene)
Same reason I never asked her for a three-way. She would've just said no.
Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me.
This isn't about you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The War at Home pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.