Dave quotes from The War at Home

Dave

You know what the problem with this country is? Everyone has a freakin' dream, and it's only in America. I mean, have you ever heard of "the Canadian Dream"? No. And there's no such thing as "the Mexican Dream" other than to sneak across the border to have "the American Dream." As much as I hate dreams, yeah, I can't help it, you know? I still have hopes and dreams for my own kids. Mainly that they'll sneak across the border into Mexico and leave me the hell alone.

Dave

It's a fact of life. We all lie. Husbands lie to wives, wives lie to husbands, parents lie to kids and the President lies to everyone. And then, of course, there is the most popular lies: the lies we tell ourselves. (holds up cup that reads "World's Best Dad")

Dave

(to Vicky) I promise I'll get him to stop seeing her. (cut scene) You know, sometimes I feel horrible about lying right to my wife's face. This is not one of those times.

Dave

(to Larry) You got busted with pot? What the hell's the matter with you? You know, I'm ashamed to call you my son. (cut scene) All right, the truth is, this is actually the first time I feel like he really is my son.

Dave

(after sees Taye & Hillary kissing) Yo! Father in the room! Hey, Taye, let me tell you something. The only thing you should be kissing in this house is my ass.

Vicky

(to Dave about Larry) Okay, so one time he wore women's clothing.

Dave

One time we know about.

Vicky

Remember, last year, he wanted to be a rock star? He quit guitar lessons after two weeks. You know, it's possible that this whole cross-dressing thing is just an experimental phase.

Dave

Well, why doesn't he just experiment with drugs like every other teenager?

Dave

Well, you do have to admit that there are probably less black people applying to Yale. Right? So, I'd imagine that they'd probably have to keep a certain number of spots open for you guys.

What are you saying -- I got into Yale because of affirmative action? Because I have never gotten any advantage for being black, not one.

Dave

No, I didn't say anything about affirmative action. Did I say anything about that? Come on, it's not like I was calling you a token.

A what?! You think I'm a token?

Dave

No, no, no, I said you weren't a token. Don't be so sensitive, Omar.

Oh, so now I'm an overly sensitive token. Okay. You know what? I've had enough. I think we should go.

Vicky

No, no, it's okay.

Dave

No, no, no, Vicky. If he wants to go, let him go. He said he didn't even want to come here today. You know, I think he might be a little bit of a racist.

Dave

(to Vicky about Omar) Why should I apologize to him?

Vicky

Because this is Hillary's boyfriend's family and after the way you acted, I wouldn't be surprised if they never even let him see her again.

Dave

Good! Good. Then this barbecue wasn't all for nothing.

Vicky

Okay, fine. You know what? Do it. Don't do it. It's your decision.

Dave

Huh! And what? If I don't apologize, you're going to what? Like, withold sex from me?

Vicky

No, why should I be punished? I'll have sex with you, but don't expect me to talk to you.

Dave

You know, sex with no talking, that's, uh, not exactly a threat, Vicky.

Vicky

Come on, she's not an idiot.

Dave

You fell for it!

Vicky

Well, you know, you probably just take after your dad's side of the family. You do have two sets of genes, you know.

Dave

Hey, don't blame me. Okay? Even the men on my side of the family have big boobs.

Dave

Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun.

Vicky

His what?

Dave

Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him.

Vicky

Dave! Why didn't you ask me first?

Dave

Same reason I never asked her for a three-way. She would've just said no.

Mike

Hey, Hillary, you were an accident!

Dave

Shut up, so were you!

Dave

Forget it. What, are you crazy? You're not getting any money for doing nothing.

Hillary

But I always get money for doing nothing, and I need to buy makeup.

Dave

Forget it, okay?

Hillary

Oh, come on. Mom would give me the money.

Dave

Yeah, well, your mom's not here, okay? So, you're gonna have to figure out another way to look too old and too easy.

Mike

Hey, this is for you.

Dave

(reads paper) A meeting with the principal? (to Vicky) Hey, this is for you.

Vicky

What did you do this time?

Mike

Nothing.

Dave

The last time you did nothing, it took four months for Larry to grow his hair back.

Mike

Mom, it's not fair. Why do I have to give up my room for your stupid friend?

Dave

Hey, hey, for your information, that room was supposed to be our guest room. You're lucky we even let you use it.