Jim Trott quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

Frank

[Frank and Jim have just found out that Geraldine is planning to sleep with Simon] Good luck vicar, I think he'll make you very happy.

Geraldine

Aw, thank you Frank.

Jim

And if he doesn't I'll have a go!

Owen

She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.

Alice

Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.

Hugo

Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.

Owen

As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.

Jim

Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...

Geraldine

Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.

Owen

That happened to my cousin Sally.

Geraldine

No it didn't, Owen.

Owen

Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.

Jim

Except me.

Frank

And me.

Owen

And me if I'm honest.

Jim

I was so excited, I made love to a Swedish journalist.

Geraldine

We know, Jim. We were chained to you at the time.

Geraldine

This Christmas is quite special this year.

Jim

Is Carry On Camping going to be on the telly?

Geraldine

No, no!

Owen

Is Jesus coming back to get rid of all the bad in this sick world?

Geraldine

Not that either, although it would be good to have someone new presenting Songs of Praise! But no, the reason that this year is special to me is that it is my tenth year in Dibley.

Frank

Here is a woman, who could have done anything. Gone anywhere! And yet you have chosen to waste the best ten years of your life stuck with us morons!

Geraldine

... Yeah. Thanks for that!

Geraldine

Can I just say, before you start, that all my hopes for this competition - indeed, all my hopes that after 10 years there is one shred of talent or sanity in this village are resting entirely upon you?

Jim

No... No-no, no-no, no worries. I was trying to work out which bit of the nativity story was never done.

Geraldine

Good.

Jim

Then I realised... the actual birth.

Geraldine

Bad. And so it goes?

Geraldine

(Bangs head down on the table extreme force)

Alice

I rather like that.