The Venture Bros. · Season 1
Ooh yeah, of course, OIL. Yeah, it makes sense now. Thought you told me to fill it with hot voile.
Wh-What the hell is voile?
It's a soft, sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.
What the.. are you insane? What kind of torture is that? Get out of here! I'm serious, I don't even want to LOOK at you any more!
Hank! Get off those spikes. It's not a ride.
Awwww.
I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!
(answering phone) Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
Uh...Orpheus, it's your landlord. We're trapped in a cliché. Use your fake impossible magic to get us out of here.
TRICKS?! How dare you! With just a thought I could rise into the air.
OR you could put on these anti-gravity boots.
I could incinerate this entire lab, make you believe you are a very special episode of Blossom, and shoot lightning from my hands!!!!
Ooh! Laser ray, mind control helmet, Tesla coil. Anything else?
Fine! 8 o'clock tomorrow, right here! The smallest man is the biggest man.
Fine! Good day, sir.
Good blah-blah, sir!
And I wouldn't bother looking for that shrink ray your father built. You sold it to the albino and his tiny companion. Ta-ta.
Crap...
(formulating a rescue plan) Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?
(with the body of a mummy, riding on the back of the bucking 'Perfect Man' and holding two shotguns.) Woah, steady, perfect man. Ready Brock!
When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? (Poe gives the thumbs-up)
You're going to kill him when he shows up, aren't ya?
Oh, you know it.
(raising their machetes) Charge!
(entering her room, where Orpheus is opening her closet door to reveal a supernatural portal) I knew it!
(flustered) Pumpkin! What are you doing in... your room? Shouldn't you be... not in your room?
My whole life I've been afraid of that closet! There's always these weird lights and something that smells like a burning Band-aid.
Brimstone. Okay fine, porthole to the burning nowhere, you got me.
Dad! I thought I was going crazy! I mean, I'm still afraid of the closet! Still! I wear the same thing every day because of that closet!
Well, how was I to know?! Come now, Archie and his indolent companion Jughead wear the same clothes every day. I thought it was an adolescent phase of yours.
Great. My closet is the door to hell.
The Necropolis. A porthole to the Necropolis. It had to be on the south side of the apartment, and since you had to have a private bathroom... oh, this is never... (he seizes her head) SLEEP!!
Look, Orpheus, I know why you're here, and I chose the form of Argos to teach you a little lesson.
Don't you mean Cerberus? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Argos was Ulysses' dog. He had only one head.
See? See? There you go, right there. That's what I'm talking about. You're a know-it-all, and no one likes a... (one of his heads begins to lick his crotch) Wait, hold on a sec.
I only know that I know nothing.
Way to quote something I said like a year ago. But I'm serious, hold on. This other head likes to clean my genitals with his mouth. I know it sounds weird, I let him do it because it feels great. Oh yeah. The problem is that I can taste it. So, I taste my own genitals. In my mouth. It's a... conundrum.
Master, what bearing does this...
Hey, will you let me enjoy this? Damn, do you know how good this feels? Oh no, wait, I'm sorry. Your wife left you because you DON'T know how good this feels!
(questioning why anyone would want to break into their trailer) It's industrial espionage, you've come to steal our great ideas. You've been foiled; we have none!
Don't look at me! I have not lived enough for I have not tasted the flower of a woman.
What do you mean?
You haven't tasted a flower? Is that a direct metaphor?
Because I don't take many trips down south myself.
You guys are disgusting. No, I mean I haven't sampled the fruits of the fairer sex.
What's with the poetry Wordsworth? Just say it. Say I am a virgin!
I knew it!
Billy, that makes you the best canidate to take a ray blast. You have nothing to lose. You've never done anything. The way I look at it, it's not even murder. It's a very late abortion.
I vote Billy!
Seconded. Alright virgin, get on the target!
Well at least you hit this time. Anything happen?
Nah. Nothin'. I told you the phosphates were too old.
No... It worked. You shrank my lungs!
Woah! Rusty!! Hoo, man!!!
White, I can't breathe over here!!
It's gonna get worse! You remember that sound my chair made a second ago? That wasn't the chair.
It'll be over there in a minute, Billy. Oh, think deviled eggs.
I hate you guys...
In the middle of spring cleaning, Brock's discovery of a lost videotape from Jonas Venture Sr. sets Team Venture off on a global scavenger hunt for the hidden pieces of a fantastic and potentially deadly machine. But to save humanity from a terrible fate, they'll have to overcome death, drug addiction, Jonny Quest and Professor Impossible--all under the watchful eye of the mysterious Grand Galactic Inquisitor.
(seeing the Inquisitor for the first time) Ladysmith Black Mambazo!!!
(while going through a box of Dr. Venture's old things) Ah, neat! You wrote a fan letter to the Herculoids when you were ten? (Hank snatches the letter away from Dean) Hey!
Hey, horses! (reads letter) It's not a fan letter, he calls them hippies for not fighting in Vietnam. (The Grand Inquisitor snatches the letter) Hey!
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
