Oscar: [who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Oscar: I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.

Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.
Toby: [In interview] Oscar said I checked out? [shrugs] Well...

Oscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.
Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!
Oscar: Exactly, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.
Dwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
Andy: No, that's... not how it works.
Michael: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Oscar: Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Pam: [about the corporate retreat] Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Pam: [answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial... Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race For The Cure. This is Pam.
Michael: Pro-Am.
Pam: ...Pro-Am Race For The- They hung up.

Pam: [dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.

Pam: [during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo

Pam: [Pretending to be a client so Creed doesn't ruin the company] Hello, this is...the client.
Creed: It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps. You in?
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Creed: [Laughs] Cool. Let's keep this on the QT, OK? I don't want you to be a dead mama jama.

Pam: [seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?
Michael: No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.

Pam: [seeing Michael pouring gasoline all over the parking lot] Michael! Michael!
Michael: Hi.
Pam: Hi. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam: Why do you need more gas?
Michael: Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam: Are you proposing?!
Michael: Maybe.
Pam: Wow.
Michael: Hey, you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [grabs the lighter and runs away]
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Yep?
Michael: Could you light this please?
Pam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael: I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.
Pam: This is terrible.

Pam: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam: I do not.
Andy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin: Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy: Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Pam: Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, "Are you sure, Michael?" And you said, "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?