Michael: When I retire, I--I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But-- it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"

Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!
Jan: I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.
Michael: I am sorry too.
Jan: But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a f**king kid!
Michael: Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?
Jan: I hate my life.

Michael: Why do I feel like crap?
Jim: You just had a rebound.
Michael: A rebound?
Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like-- the one that broke your heart.

Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Michael: Ho-oh!
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.

Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I've heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "lilkidlover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.

Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.

Michael: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.

Michael: You know, what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: ...Yes.

Michael:Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anyone.

Nellie Bertram: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Singular transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone has the same job. Same goes for me. I'll take your job by rejecting the title. Everyone will be known for their accomplishments.
Jim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there. And if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?
Nellie Bertram: Oh... yeah... Scratch everything from before. I'll tell you what: Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss. And that person can fire the person below them. And once a month, the lowest person... [Imitates cutting throat] Buh-bye.

Nick: I saw all your hard drives and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! Alright? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it. Check it out. [gives everyone the finger and leaves]
Season 7