I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Dammit, he'd still look good.
S6 E8Koi Pond
The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. You can only make fun of things that they have control over. Like Oscar, is gay. That is his choice. We can make fun of that. I did not choose to fall into a koi pond.
Michael, you still can't make fun of people for race or gender or sexual orientation.
Who let—Who let the lemonhead into the room? You are a waste of life, and you should give up...is what I want to say, but I won't because that is why we're doing this right now. So Toby, welcome to sensitivity training. For real.
S6 E9Double Date
Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
I am going to give you a raise.
Why?
Because of all the good work you've done.
I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
That's... no, no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Do you want the raise or what?
Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]
Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
You're bribing me?
No! No... no, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't... unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--
I want to hit you.
What?
I want to hit you. I'll do that.
S6 E10Murder
Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.
Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
I do not.
Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.
Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?
He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.
S6 E11Shareholder Meeting
[in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Definitely.
Smells like it.
Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.
Word.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[The limo driver raises the divider window]
AAlan
There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.
Yes!
AAlan
In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]
S6 E12Scott's Tots
Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.
How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
[feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Oh, really? From what, two to four?
[in confessional] Yup!
I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.
S6 E13Secret Santa
David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
Michael...
I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis--a woman--has uslurped my role as Santa.
[to Michael] You can't yell, "I need this! I need this!" as you pin an employee down on your lap.
S6 E14The Banker
Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And I'm...pretty nervous about it. And I'm...making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star...or any number of drag queens.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.
S6 E15Sabre
CSChristian Slater
So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi, I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.