Darryl: I decided to stay home, eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Now my basement smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.

Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.

Dwight: Stop it!
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!
Jim: Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
[cut to Jim and Pam in interview]
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.

Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight: Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Andy: What e-mails are you talking about?
Dwight: "Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.
Andy: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight: "PS: We should kill him."

Dwight: [reading Michael's recommendation letter] "To whom it may concern." Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. "The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme." That's great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary. "I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme." [holding back tears] Lots more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulls out a small card from the envelope and reads it] "Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball." Oooh yeah.

Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Andy: Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.
Jim: There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
Kevin: Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.

Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith: Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.

Andy: Beer me!
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.

Andy: I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.

Alan: There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.
Dwight: Yes!
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]

Dwight: [Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!
Andy: I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
Dwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Dwight: Last year, idiot.

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?
Angela: ...Okay.
Andy: Into the mic, sweetie.
Angela: I said, okay.
Andy: She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!
Season 5

Andy: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.