The Office (US) quotes

You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?

Dwight

Whacking moles.

In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, Yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die! Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No english, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!

Erin

And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and... I don't know. I couldn't keep up.

Michael

You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.

Dwight

I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.

Kelly

Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.

Creed

You ever notice you can only ooze two things? Sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.

Dwight

I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.

Dwight

Stop it!

Jim

Stop what?

Dwight

You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!

Jim

Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.

Jim

Yup. That's exactly what we did.

Dwight

All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.

Michael

I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband...or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

Meredith

That is something I would never do.

Michael

Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.

Meredith

Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.

Meredith

I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Toby

[while Michael makes fart noises] Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.

Michael

You're kidding me! God! You say radon is silent but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?! You know what? We're not going to die of radon, we're going to die of boredom.

Michael

Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael

Okay. Alright.

Dwight

You were being really funny, and then you went too far.

When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: "What do we do when we find the guilty party?" And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, "Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah", well, nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.

I saw all your hard drives and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! Alright? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it. Check it out. [gives everyone the finger and leaves]

Michael

Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother - who also happens to be my half-sister - kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years ago...14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of "Ace Ventura II" and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.