Harley Quinn quotes from The New Batman Adventures

The Joker

No laughing gas, no grins. No way Batboy could trace this back to me. (he and his henchmen get rocked by the boat) Hey, keep the boat in the water!

This wasn't in the job description.

The Joker

[being driven back to Arkham] After all, it's only money. [chuckles] So I'll let the taxpayers foot my bill again. Besides, it'll be nice to see the old gang.

Harley Quinn

[dressed as a guard] One of them's dying to see you too, puddin'.

The Joker

Harley.

Harley Quinn

The one and only.

The Joker

You... you don't know how happy I am to see you.

Harley Quinn

[brandishing a nightstick] Welcome to the club.

The Joker

Harley, my dear, I can- (WHAM!) AH! - explain...! (POW!) OW! EEE! AH!

Poison Ivy

Your hyenas have been "watering" my plants again. One more time, and they're mulch!

Harley Quinn

Come on, Red, give 'em a break. We're all bored cooped up in here!

Harley Quinn

Whaddaya say we get dolled up and go into town?

Poison Ivy

America's most wanted women on a shopping spree. Cute. I've told you a thousand times: we have to keep a low profile. We can't attract Batman's attention until we have some kind of an edge.

Livewire

Well, ladies, meet your "edge"!

Livewire

Pick up the cash and load it into the car! I'm going shopping!

Harley Quinn

When did we become "the gang?"

Livewire

Are you out of your mind?!

Harley Quinn

(Thinks for a moment) ...Yeah.

Livewire

So this is home sweet home, huh? I guess it's okay, if you're into green.

Poison Ivy

You're not gonna get all hissy and rude again, now that we've kissed and made-up?

Livewire

No, but I could do without the mutts. (to the hyenas) Beat it!

Harley Quinn

Hey!

Poison Ivy

She has a point, Harls.

Harley Quinn

Think Bat saw you puddy tat?

Joker

Oh he did, he did. He'd never miss a show about me, he's my biggest fan, but just in case.

Harley

Hey! You're the creep who's been stealing Mister J's act!

Creeper

Not me. I'm one of a kind, toots.

Harley

What do you want?

Creeper

The inside story on the Joker. Also your phone number. [flirtatious growl.]

Creeper

[confronting the Joker.] Wow! It DOES strike terror into the hearts of criminals!

Harley Quinn

He's the creep who's stealing your act!

Creeper

And that's not all, Mr. Happy! [grabs Harley Quinn and starts slobbering over her.] I'm stealing your girl, too!

Harley Quinn

I swear, Mr. J, I didn't encourage him.

Joker

[yanks her back into his arms.] That's okay, pooh. I know you're a one-man loon.

Creeper

Aww. Sweetie got a boo-boo?

Harley Quinn

Aww. Creepo got a concussion?

Commissioner Gordon

I don't mind telling you, I really hate these check-ups. If it weren't part of the police physical, I wouldn't be here at all.

Oh, come now, Commissioner. What in this miserable world is more beautiful...

Joker

...THAN A NICE, BIG SMILE? (laughs)

Harley Quinn

Naughty, naughty. Jump around like that and the doctor won't give you a lollipop.

Harley

[seductively] A-hem. [The Joker ignores her] A-HEM!

The Joker

Go away! I'm busy.

Harley

Aww, c'mon, Mr. J., don't you wanna rev up your Harley? Vroom-vroom!

Joker

Batman was right! That teeth gag WAS predictable. Old hat. It's time I capped off our feud with his ultimate humiliation... followed by his deliciously delirious death.

Harley

Why don't ya just shoot him?

Joker

[appalled] "Just shoot him"?! Know this, my sweet: the death of Batman must be nothing less than a masterpiece! The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets!

Harley

It's just me, B-Man. No Joker, no gas bombs, no city in peril - just you, that tank and me.

Why?

Harley

To show Mr. J I could really pull off one of his plans! See, he could never get these fishies to smile, but then I had the bright idea of hanging the victim - that's you - upside down. That way to you, it'll look like they're smiling! Clever?

[deadpan] Brilliant.

Harley

Yeah, yeah, I can tell you're less than thrilled. You know, for what it's worth, I actually enjoyed some of our romps. But there comes a time when a gal wants more, and now all this gal wants is to settle down with her loving sweetheart.

[incredulous] You and the Joker?

Harley

Right-a-rooney!

Harley

I've never seen you laugh before! I don't think I like it!

Harley

[deeply unsettled] Cut it out! You're giving me the creeps!

You little fool! The Joker doesn't love anything except himself. Wake up, Harleen! He had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham.

Harley

That's not... no. No! He told me things! Secret things he never told anybody!

Was it his line about the abusive father? [Harley looks shocked] Or the one about the runaway mom? He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one.

Harley

STOP IT! YOU'RE MAKING ME CONFUSED!

What was it he told that one parole officer? Oh, yes. "There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the ice show when I was seven..."

Harley

[softly] The circus...he said it was the circus...

He's got a million of them, Harley.

Harley

YOU'RE WRONG! MY PUDDIN' DOES LOVE ME, HE DOES! You're the problem! And now you're gonna die and make everything right!

Except he'll never believe you did it.

Harley

[stops] Huh? Sure he will!

How's Joker going to know I'm really gone? All those fish will leave are scraps of bone and cloth. Anyone can fake that. [Harley's eyes flick to his utility belt, draped over a counter.] True, you've got my belt, but it's not the same as a body. He'll never buy it.

Harley

But puddin', I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?

Joker

Only if I do it, idiot!

Harley

But it's still your plan, see? [shows him his blueprints] Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles! Now it all works!

Joker

Except you had to explain it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! [tears up the blueprints in anger]

Harley

[grabbing a swordfish to defend herself] Now calm down, puddin'...

Joker

You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!

Joker

And don't call me "puddin'".

Harley Quinn

(Bandaged in bed at Arkham, after her fall from the window, thinking) Never again. No more obsession, no more craziness, no more Joker. I finally see that slime for what he is...a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable...

Harley

[Smiling] angel!