Niles quotes from The Nanny

Niles

Something troubling you sir?

Oh no I'm Miss Fine, I-I mean I'm just fine.

Niles

I'll bring you back Cuban cigars.

Fran

I'll send my mother to Cuba.

Niles

I'll make you Baked Alaska.

Fran

I'll send my mother to Alaska.

In all fairness, Niles did ask me first.

Fran

He's wearing your suit!

Niles

She's wearing Ms. Gracie's skirt.

Fran

And that's how I just won.

Niles

I don't know what I was doing in that unholy alliance with Babcock.

Fran

I know. It's like Yogi dumping Boo Boo for the Ranger.

[About Fran] Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore! What am I supposed to do?

Niles

May I speak freely, sir?

Yes, of course, old boy.

Niles

[menacingly] I am so bloody sick of this, year after year, "Niles, what am I to do? I told her I loved her, I took it back, I'm afraid of commitment, I'm worried about the children!" [yelling, grabs Mr. Sheffield's shirt and shakes him] For God's sake, make a move! Do something! You passed on Cats, do you want to regret this for the rest of your life too?!

Why can't a woman be more like a man?!

Niles

[Enter C.C.] Well, there's your prototype.

Niles, can you keep a secret?

Niles

Well, I'm good until I meet another person.

This concerns Miss Fine.

Niles

[exasperated] Oh sir, you're not going to disappoint her again?

Not unless you'll think she'll be disappointed by this. [shows Niles a ring]

Niles

[tears up] Oh sir, sir it's beautiful...this is the happiest day of my life...it's funny how you picture it, but you're never really prepared for it.

Niles

How does it feel to wake up an engaged woman?

Fran

You know how they say when you finally attain your dream, It's always a letdown?

Niles

Mm-hmm.

Fran

They were WRONG!

Fran wants to have a baby with me.

Niles

What, you've forgotten how to do it?

This is serious, Niles. I'm not sure I really want to go through that again. All the crying and the diapers and the waking up at 4am.

Niles

Oh, sir, It's not so bad when you consider I DID ALL THAT! You know, come to think of it, you are too old to have a baby.

I'm not that old.

Niles

You have three children already. Why can't Ms. Fine be happy with that?

Because they're not... ours. Having a baby is one of those things that bonds a couple together.

Niles

Mmm. That's why we're so close.

I'm going to ask Fran to sign a pre-nuptial agreement.

Niles

Why don't you just walk around downtown Iraq dressed as Uncle Sam? It'd be quicker.

Good night, Piles.

Niles

Niles.

You say tomato...

Niles

You know something, lady? You're just a pale imitation of the C.C. Babcock I know. You're not half the man she is.

Niles

I have not waited around five years for some little shiksa to come in and ruin my wedding.

Fran

Oh, thank you, Niles. You know, you could be Ma if it weren't for the whiskers. Although.

I can't believe it in just 24 hours from now I'll be holding Mrs. Sheffield in my arms. are you as happy I am?

Niles

This is the happiest day of my life. Congratulations, sir.

Maxwell Sheffield

Thank you, Niles.

Fran

Hey, what about me I'm the woman who's making you the happiest man in the world.

Niles

Ms. Fine, Congratulations.

Wait what's the suitcase for? Wait a minute I know, if we elope now, the sooner we get to our wedding night.

Fran

Excuse me, you made me wait 5 years, and now all of a sudden because you're in the mood, you think that I'm gonna come to you just like that (snaps fingers)? Come to mama!

So what you're so excited you're packed for our honeymoon already

Fran

Oh sweetie I'm a Jewish woman going on a two-month cruise do you really think this is all the clothes I'm going to need?

Yes

Fran

Oh, Oh Honey. oh I wish I could stay but I gotta go to ma's

What?!

Fran

Yea you know it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride 24 hours before the Ceremony

But sweetheart we have the house all to ourselves

Fran

oh i know but no no sweetie oh. (Her watch beeps) Gotta go.

What?

Fran

Yep that was a warning we only have 2 minutes left.

I can do it in 2 minutes

Fran

you can?

well darling it has been 5 years

Niles

Ms. Babcock. [Offers her a drink]

C. C.

Thank you, Niles, but, you know, I'm not supposed to [Gulps it down] do that.

Niles

How many times have you not done that tonight?

About eight. Niles, now that Maxwell's taken, my life is over.

Niles

Ms. Babcock, you always underestimate yourself. You have a lot to offer a man. You're witty, you're sophisticated, you're beautiful, you're sexy...

How many times have you done that tonight?

Niles

About twelve.

Niles

[With a hangover] I had so much to drink at the reception. I had the strangest nightmare that Santa Claus was trying to have his way with me.

Oh my God.

C. C.

We didn't, did we?

Niles

I'm not sure. Say "Ho ho ho".

No one can ever know that this might possibly have happened.

Niles

Well, it ain't going on my resume.