Niles quotes from The Nanny

Niles

When you sent Miss Fine to therapy, you never thought about how this would affect me. Miss Babcock should be here, she's my home entertainment center

Niles, could you bring me a drink?

Niles

Happy hour doesn't start till you go home, see it just doesn't work with her

(to Niles) would you stop complaining, Miss. Fine giving up men is a god send

Niles

But sir your a man despite the way you trible a ball in those bath beads you like so much

This is not about me, Miss. Fine giving up her urge to be in a relationship is the best thing for her, no more rushing into romances no more getting her poor heartbroken

Niles

No more nudging you to make a commitment

Yea i know isn't it wonderful (He laughs) and the best part of it is it's all the doctor's idea there's no way i can be blamed for this

Sylvia

(she enters the room) I BLAME YOU FOR THIS (Maxwell runs and hides behind Niles) I don't know who the bigger nut is, that shrink for telling her she does not need to get married or (She points at Mr. Sheffield) you for paying for it tell her you can't afford it that you're broke.

Niles

oh she'll never believe that he's worth millions

Niles

I can't believe you told your mother you were giving up on men. What did she do?

Fran

She tried to swallow a whole rotisserie chicken in her mouth like a python.

Niles

Maybe you should have told her when she wasn't eating.

Fran

Oy, you try catching lightning in a bottle.

Niles

I mean what do we really know about this Chandler fellow Miss. Babcock's so fond of?

Where did that Psychiatrist get his degree? is what I'd like to know

Brighton

Gin

I mean what kind of imbecile encourages a single woman to go out with two couples like some kind of fifth wheel

Niles

Yes it's madness sir

I sent her to that Psychiatrist to stop this dating lunacy and get her to spend more time here with me...well um the children

C. C.

[to Maxwell] I have a friend at CBS who wants to buy our show and turn it into a TV series.

Niles

Whoa, back up. You have a friend?

Alright, now this Is It. Now, if they start to shoot our row, I don't want anyone making rabbit ears behind anyone else's heads, alright? Just behave yourselves.

Brighton

When did I ever do that?

I wasn't speaking to you.

Niles

Oh, one time at the Angela Lansbury roast. Would you let It go?

Niles

I just spent four hours putting together a gazebo for Ms. Babcock's terrace.

Maggie

Ms. Babcock doesn't have a terrace.

Niles

Now we both know.

Niles

I think Mr. Sheffield would really like you to come with him when he takes the children to Hawaii.

Fran

It's always the same thing: Dancing in the moonlight, walking on the beaches then falling into bed wrapped in each other's arms.

Niles

Since when?

Fran

Since Gracie doesn't like to sleep alone.

Niles

You don't know what it is to be the only one of your friends who's not married.

Fran

Hello?!

Niles

And over 40.

Fran

Not a clue.

Niles

I've been killing myself all week trying to drop a pound. How does Mr. Sheffield keep in shape?

Fran

Running from commitment.

C. C.

What's [Mr. Sheffield] doing in London?

Niles

One would hope Ms. Fine.

C. C.

I just don't understand why Maxwell would ask Nanny Fine on a date! I should be going to Elton John's dinner, not her. I am the one with sophistication! I am the one with savvy! Why would he pick her over me?

Niles

HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU!!

[In tears] Why?!!... What am I doing wrong?

Niles

Well, for one thing, you've known him for 25 years or half your life and you don't even know the names of his children.

Oh, Niles, do you think that Ms. Babcock's upset that I asked Nanny Fine out on a date?

Niles

Oh, no sir.

Maxwell

Well, I'd hate for her to think that I didn't like her.

Niles

(innocently) Oh, wherever would she get that idea?

Maxwell

Oh, I don't know. Maybe from SOME BIG FAT BUTLER SCREAMING IT IN HER FACE! (Niles clutches his heart, takes something out from his pocket, and puts it in his mouth) Oh, stop it, I know those are bloody Tic-Tacs!

Niles

I've come back! Hide me please!

Fran

What happened?

Niles

I can handle the jacuzzis and giving the oil massages. I can even suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger but I do NOT... do windows.

NILESY!!

Niles

Oh, God, Sasquatch!

Niles

All I wanted was a simple thank you. I suppose in order to get some attention around here, I have to hop up on your desk in my short skirt.

Did you say "my"?

Niles

I was putting myself in Ms. Fine's shoes.

Well, you can't wear those wingtips with your skirt. Make you look stumpy.

Niles

He who belts "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" in the shower should not throw stones. I assure you I am the most masculine one in this room... [Enter C.C.] ...until now.

It's driving me crazy, her being out with some other man. I can share these feelings with you because I'm not in love with you

Niles

[Coyly] Nobody looks good at two in the morning.