Patrick Jane quotes from The Mentalist

Jane

I'm not saying you knew about the affair, I'm just saying that if you did, you'd be our prime suspect. Funny when your best defense is your apparent lack of the most basic detective skills.

You little son of a bitch.

Cho

Easy.

Jane

I'm sorry. I'm just thinking aloud. No offense.

Yeah, right. No offense.

Jane

None taken.

Jane

Palm Desert right here in California?

Lisbon

No.

Jane

Palm Desert's not in California?

Lisbon

No, you can't sneak off and talk to Sonny Battaglia.

Jane

Oh, I thought you meant Palm Desert wasn't in California. It is in California, right?

Jane

Thanks for your time, Mr. Battaglia. See you later.

Hey, wait a minute. I'm not finished talking with you yet.

Jane

I'm finished talking with you.

What are you, Al Pacino all of a sudden? People don't act that way with me.

Jane

I do when there's witnesses around.

What are we gonna do with this guy? He's got a screw loose.

Jane

You think you have a certain charm about you, and you do, but you live by oppression. In reality you're just a greedy, twisted little sadist.

Hey, screw you blondie. You're lucky you helped me beat Arnold Palmer here or I'd plug you right now. To hell with the witnesses.

Lisbon

What did you learn?

Jane

She's scared. She's of Italian descent. She bites her nails. She doesn't like pets or pineapple.

Lisbon

Useful stuff.

Yeah, screw the cops.

Jane

Even for a midget villain like yourself, that's an untenable position. Every modern society has some kind of police force. It's like saying, screw the public transport system.

Rigsby

Teenagers. I hate questioning teenagers. It's like talking to mud.

Jane

You need some love in your heart.

Rigsby

Oh, is that my problem.

Jane

Yeah, it is.

Lisbon

Any money go missing lately?

Nope. And I keep tabs, trust me.

Jane

And why should we trust you?

It's just a phrase, like "you know".

Jane

What do I know?

No. You don't know anything I'm saying it's just a thing to say.

Jane

Oh, it's a figure of speech.

Right.

Jane

So we shouldn't trust you, really.

Yeah. No, you should.

Cho

Okay, two for two. How about mine?

Jane

Cho. [Cho hands Lisbon a present and Jane covers his eyes]

Lisbon

That's sweet, thank you.

Jane

I got it.

Lisbon

Okay. [Opens the present] Okay, what is it?

Jane

It's a mid- to high- end bottle of... wine-- aah, no, no, no. Champagne.

Lisbon

Yes.

Jane

Yup, there I go. [whispering to Cho] Re-gift?

Cho

It's a really good bottle. I don't drink it.

Jane

Do I detect a slight residue of grumpiness in you demeanor?

Lisbon

No.

Jane

I swear to you, Lisbon, your gift is on its way.

Lisbon

I am not grumpy and I don't give a damn about your supposed gift.

Jane

[To Rigsby] She's still grumpy with me, isn't she?

Rigsby

Not touching that.

Grace

Where's your gift?

Jane

Oh, it's on its way. [Rigsby laughs]

Lisbon

Typical.

Jane

You really think that I would forget your birthday present? [Lisbon nods] It's on its way.

Lisbon

Yeah, right.

Jane

Little grumpy because daddy didn't buy you a pony?

Jane

Look at it this way. We've closed yet another case.

Lisbon

Toying with mafia bosses is no way to close cases, it's stupid.

Jane

Meh. You just trying to find fault. And I know why.

Lisbon

Oh, really?

Jane

You're still a little grumpy about the birthday present thing.

Lisbon

Will you leave that alone?

Jane

Unbelievable. You've got no reason to be grumpy anymore. [He puts a red bow on Lisbon's office door. She opens the door and finds a pony standing in her office. Lisbon smiles and is lost for words]

Jane

Oh, and thank you.

Lisbon

For what?

Jane

For just letting us play it out like this.

Lisbon

Nah. We would have had to let her go on the murder charge anyway. Nothing to keep her on until we get proof. Besides, this is a simple plan. It's when you start getting costumes and props that I get nervous.

Jane

My friend Cho here will now take you by the wrist so as not to let you escape us again.

Cho

[Grasps her wrist, gently] Hi.

Brooke Harper

Warm hands.

Jane

I bet you say that to all your arresting officers.

Jane

Hello, gorgeous.

Brooke Harper

Beat it, creep.

Jane

I'd call you by your real name, but I don't know what it is.

Brooke Harper

[Turns around and sees Jane] Hello, Mr. Jane.

Jane

Hi.

Brooke Harper

I'm impressed.

Jane

Oh, for finding you? Wasn't that difficult.

Brooke Harper

Would you have a cigar?

Jane

Thank you, no. I hear they're not so good for your health.

Brooke Harper

Well, who wants to live forever?

Jane

It'd be horrible, wouldn't it? Immortality. Imagine the boredom.

Jane

Yes, this is also the key to a locker that holds ten million dollars.

Brooke Harper

Really? I thought it was for cigars. I love a good cigar.

Jane

Nope. Ten million dollars.

Brooke Harper

But that's just silly. Why would Jim keep ten million dollars in a locker?

Jane

[To Cho] She's good.

Cho

Yeah, she is.