That one Green Giant spot has been a real monkey on my back. I'll tell you one thing: If they ever ask you to put on a pair of green tights, no matter how much they offer you, you just walk away. Walk away.
I'll remember that.
S1 E1The Garden Weasel (a.k.a. What Have You Done For Me Lately?)
Fine, you just go home. I'll come over there later; stick a red hot poker up your ass. We'll call it even.
Okay. You have my address, right?
And your poker size.
The only reason I'm not running for president this year, I swear to God, is I am afraid no woman would come forward to say she had sex with me.
Sonny Bono did not get elected to a Senate seat here in California. That's when you know you live in California, when you look on the ballot and Sonny Bono is running for a senate seat. I was really towards running for the Captain of Captain & Tennille, because evidently, he at least has some military experience.
So how many of you saw Bill Clinton on Arsenio Hall when he played the sax? Well, good to know you're watching my competition.
S1 E2The Promise
I sound like an asshole, don't I?
No, honey you don't sound like an asshole. Your feelings are hurt.
My feelings are hurt, honey... and by a man.
S1 E3The Spider Episode
[after Larry considers going through with the spider stunt on his show] Let me get this straight. You're willing to confront your fears if it's in front of 20 million people and for a laugh? So, can we start a family if I have a baby at The Greek Theater?
S1 E4Guest Host
Do we know if he's taking this CBS offer?
I've made some calls, done some legwork, developed some leads - nothing yet.
Oh thanks, Mannix.
Mike Connors is a good friend of mine. He'll be on next week.
I saw it coming.
I hate this business.
I'm telling you I saw it coming.
And I'm telling you I hate this fucking business!
S1 E5The New Producer
Alright, I see what's going on. I'll turn around and somebody put the memo in front of me.
[the whole staff throws copies of the memo on the desk]
Very funny, very fucking funny.
[reading the new producer's memo] "Unfortunately, Phil's social maladjustment runs so deep that he is unpredictable and volatile. My guess is that he talks badly about Larry behind his back." Oh, right. You know Larry is just the kind of asshole to read that and believe it.
[smirking, without Phil noticing] Yeah, the memo is way off.
Social maladjustment... what the hell does that mean? You know, now I'm sorry for making copies of this for everybody.
We're discussing the memo, Hank.
What memo?
Don't act out.
That's an... that's an insult. I'm not acting dumb. I don't know what memo. I'm sorry but that's how I feel.
Alright, I'm sorry.
I don't know about it.
They'll tell you about it. [to his staff] Tell him about the memo.
[after Larry left the room, Hank takes the memo from his pocket] Do you believe this shit?
S1 E7Hank's Contract
Listen, you're not gonna do Arsenio or Leno, are you?
RWRobin Williams
I got to.
Fucker...
RWRobin Williams
Hey, it's business. Get used to it. Blow me.
S1 E8Out of the Loop
Jesus. I think that's Jerry and Sally fucking in the parking lot. Wow! I am telling you, nothing beats that missionary position!
DDarlene
[she stops writing Hank's ideas for the show] I think I have enough, Hank.
Yeah, hurry up, put it into the computer and get it out to the fans.
DDarlene
I might just do a little editing.
No, no, we never edit Hank's thoughts.
[watching the head writer and the new girl have sex outside the office] Wow, and I thought I had a hairy ass!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Larry Sanders Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.