Larry Sanders quotes from The Larry Sanders Show

Larry

The only reason I'm not running for president this year, I swear to God, is I am afraid no woman would come forward to say she had sex with me.

Larry

Sonny Bono did not get elected to a Senate seat here in California. That's when you know you live in California, when you look on the ballot and Sonny Bono is running for a senate seat. I was really towards running for the Captain of Captain & Tennille, because evidently, he at least has some military experience.

Larry

So how many of you saw Bill Clinton on Arsenio Hall when he played the sax? Well, good to know you're watching my competition.

Larry

Alright, I see what's going on. I'll turn around and somebody put the memo in front of me.

Larry

Very funny, very fucking funny.

Larry

[after seeing the video where he pushed a woman] I'm fucked... I'm really fucked.

Larry

Artie, if I had a gun I'd put it in my mouth and take us both out.

Larry

[on Francine's accident with the Hankerciser 200] She was so bruised Hank, she couldn't have sex, okay?

Larry

[After quitting the show and moving to Montana] And now because he made a big mistake, Larry Sanders... Fucking frogs.

Hank

That one Green Giant spot has been a real monkey on my back. I'll tell you one thing: If they ever ask you to put on a pair of green tights, no matter how much they offer you, you just walk away. Walk away.

Larry

I'll remember that.

Fine, you just go home. I'll come over there later; stick a red hot poker up your ass. We'll call it even.

Larry

Okay. You have my address, right?

And your poker size.

Larry

I sound like an asshole, don't I?

Jeannie

No, honey you don't sound like an asshole. Your feelings are hurt.

Larry

My feelings are hurt, honey... and by a man.

Larry

Do we know if he's taking this CBS offer?

Arthur

I've made some calls, done some legwork, developed some leads - nothing yet.

Larry

Oh thanks, Mannix.

Arthur

Mike Connors is a good friend of mine. He'll be on next week.

Arthur

I saw it coming.

Larry

I hate this business.

Arthur

I'm telling you I saw it coming.

Larry

And I'm telling you I hate this fucking business!

Larry

We're discussing the memo, Hank.

Hank

What memo?

Larry

Don't act out.

Hank

That's an... that's an insult. I'm not acting dumb. I don't know what memo. I'm sorry but that's how I feel.

Larry

Alright, I'm sorry.

Hank

I don't know about it.

Larry

They'll tell you about it. [to his staff] Tell him about the memo.

Hank

[after Larry left the room, Hank takes the memo from his pocket] Do you believe this shit?

Larry

Listen, you're not gonna do Arsenio or Leno, are you?

I got to.

Larry

Fucker...

Hey, it's business. Get used to it. Blow me.