The show is going great!
Oh, it's going great, my life is falling apart and I'm glad there's TV cameras here to cover it. This is like the Hindenburg. How much long before you start shouting "Oh, the humanity"?
S1 E9Talk Show
PPaula
Listen, being married to a celebrity is very difficult, okay. I got a friend who is married to Jerry Van Dyke and all he cares about is winning awards. One time they were doing it, he slipped up and called her Emmy.
S1 E10Party
[on Larry hosting the show with his jokes] He fucked it up! The joke doesn't work unless he ends with the words 'adjustable beds'.
His timing really sucks tonight.
He's off.
[Jeannie and Arthur enter the room]
And running in what looks like a wonderful show.
Hi, Mrs. Sanders.
Hi.
Hi, very funny monologue tonight.
He's on. This is as on as I've seen him in a long time. [muttering] Very strong stuff.
[Hank tells about the origins of his catchphrase] No, no, you see when I was a kid, I used to say "Hey". And then later, I said "Now". But I never put it together until much later...
Are you taking about "Hey now"?
Yes.
Because I have always wondered about that. Which writer came up with "Hey now"?
PJPhil, Jerry
Hank did.
It's brilliant. Really. Have you ever thought about changing it?
No.
Just listen to this. Okay? Instead of saying "Hey now!", you would say "Come here!"
[awkward silence from the group]
Try, just give it a try.
"Come here!"
It's wonderful, it's wonderful!
It's good, I like it.
That's what you can use when the show goes off the air.
What do you... what show... what show goes off the air?
Larry is always talking about moving to Montana, leaving the business...
[to Larry who just stopped by] The show's going off the air?
...building or something up there.
She's kiddin'. She's kiddin'.
No.
Is something wrong?
Yes. You're telling people all about our lives.
What are you talking about?
About dry-humping, about Aspen, about moving to Montana.
You're spying on me?
I was standing near by.
S1 E11The Warmth Episode
I'm telling you, I have a real problem. Twenty people could say they liked me, Artie, and I am telling you I'd still be thinking: seventeen of them are lying, two of them probably have severe emotional problems and one of them is probably confusing me with Larry King.
I've gotta say something that's gonna sound trite but it's also truth. As soon as you start liking yourself, you won't care what other people think.
[laughing] Hey, then I'm totally fucked.
S1 E12A Brush with the Elbow of Greatness
What's the word from the network, Norm?
NLNorman Litkey
They were fine until they saw the tape then they started coughing up blood. I mean, half of the civilized world just gonna watch Entertainment Tonight in a few hours and they're gonna see Larry Sanders body-slamming a woman half his size into a metal rack.
No...
NLNorman Litkey
What?
Terrible.
NLNorman Litkey
No! No, this is a publicity Bonanza. Gentlemen, I'm wetting myself.
[after seeing the video where he pushed a woman] I'm fucked... I'm really fucked.
I was in the grocery store and I heard a crash but you know, it's uh, it's a supermarket in L.A., I figured it was, you know, looting.
It's understandable, that'd be my first thought.
NLNorman Litkey
Hear me out. Hear me out. Why not have her on the show and apologize to her. I swear to Christ, this is brilliant. I mean, the only way you're gonna get better ratings is if you marry Hank on the air.
God, you're a sick fuck.
NLNorman Litkey
Thank you.
See, I can't do that. I can't be an asshole.
BBeverly
[eye-rolling] That must be really hard for you, Larry.
It is. It's very frustrating. Think of Johnny Carson. Remember when Johnny got arrested for drunk driving and he made the front page of every newspaper?
BBeverly
Yeah.
You know how many people get arrested for drunk driving everyday? They're not on the front page of newspapers, only Johnny Carson is on the front page of newspaper. Do you know why?
BBeverly
He was drunk!
No, but he's Johnny, that's the point. You think she would have sold those tapes to Entertainment Tonight if I wasn't Larry Sanders? I'll move to Montana, that will make everybody happy.
S1 E13Hey Now
Artie, if I had a gun I'd put it in my mouth and take us both out.
What do you mean there's no helicopter? For God's sake, tell him he's a burn victim. If he were a kidney he'd have been here an hour ago.
S2 E3The List
What else is my jackass businessman [unintell.] have to say?
DDarlene
[reading] "Mr. Kingsley, restaurants rotate when they are at the tops of buildings. Your place is at street level: There is no view."
He does not get it! Y'see, the point is... It's not the view!... The point is, when you eat at Hank's, YOU and YOUR FOOD... are going... on an adventure!
DDarlene
Maybe you should just forget the rotating floor and get the place going!
S2 E6The Hankerciser 200
[on Francine's accident with the Hankerciser 200] She was so bruised Hank, she couldn't have sex, okay?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Larry Sanders Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.