Tina Kennard quotes from The L Word

Bette

And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. That woman's a fucking dragon, and she's making my life a living hell.

Bette

Oh, please don't tell me you're sleeping with her.

Tina

Bette...

Bette

[frustrated tone] Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her?

Tina

It's none of your fucking business!

Bette

Don't do it, Tina. That woman will eat you alive. She's a vampire.

Tina

[sarcastic] Yeah, and a dragon.

Bette

That's right. She's a monster! However you want to categorize it, she likes to fuck people for sport and...

Tina

And you don't? Like that time with Candace?

Bette

[entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?

Tina

[smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.

Bette

[calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

Bette

I'm trying to meet with Barbara Grisham tomorrow before the hearings.

Tina

Senator Grisham. Damn, I think she's hot.

Bette

You no longer have the privileges of being my life partner!

Tina

Woah!

Helena

Alice, you saw that.

Alice

She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.

Tina

Why don't you guys go out?

Bette

[at Joyce Wichnia's office] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child.

Tina

Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years?

Bette

Obviously, you weren't qualified for that, either!

Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision.

Bette

What decision have we made?

Mommy Dearest One and Mommy Dearest Two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing.

Tina

How is that not a terrible thing?

Bette

Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing?

Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.

Alice

[reading a message from Papi on her computer] "Tonight, ten p.m. I'll be there. Will you?" Oh yeah, sure you will, Papi.

Tina

You call your computer "Papi"?

Alice

Oh, no, it's this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been? Oh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of Heteroville, that's right.

Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh... Look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay... I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it but... You know, at first there would be a reaction and... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here, alright?

Bette

An honest homophobe, how nice.

Tina

Bette, don't get into it.

Bette Porter

No, I... I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do for your own comfort level. Right?

Tina

Oh Jenny, we thought that you were uh...

Jenny

That I was uh... completely clueless? Someone to fuck with?

Tina

No, of course not...

Jenny

Someone who didn't realize what a lying duplicitous scheming excuse you are for a friend? [to Kate] Be careful if you're doing business with this woman because she actually eats her own.

Actually, Jenny, Tina's been a really good friend to you, as a matter of fact she's protected you...

Jenny

She just wants to fuck you! She does. She just wants to get in your pants...

Tina

Shut the fuck up, Jenny, OK? You're a cunt! Bette almost lost her job because of you!

Tina

Speaking of freakish, look at Jenny's new assistant.

Alice

Well, you kind of have to admire her a little bit.

Tina

It's gross! There's something wrong with that girl!

Bette

I don't know what to do.

Tina

You're in love with Jodi, right?

Bette

I adore her. And I respect and admire her. But...

Tina

But what?

Bette

It doesn't really compare.

Bette

So which side of the bed is Nina's?

Tina

I don't know. Um. [gets up and stands next to the left side of the bed] Maybe this side? [lays down] Yeah, that feels right.

Bette

So maybe this side would be Bev's side? [lays down on the right side of the bed]

Tina

Yeah.

Bette

Do you have any hard rock candy?

Tina

No. But I have some pot.

Bette

Poor Shane.

Tina

Fuck that! I wouldn't blame Jenny if she never spoke to Shane again.

Bette

[laughs with disbelief] That's a little harsh.

Tina

It was unforgivable what Shane did!

Bette

Well, maybe it was wrong, but...

Tina

Maybe?

Bette

Okay, it was wrong.

Tina

It was devastating. After everything that Jenny's been through? Her breakup with Nikki, the movie, her career?

Bette

Well, Shane's been through a lot too, and she's always been there for Jenny. But Shane is a woman. She has needs... like me. Like all of us.

Bette

Let's not talk about this anymore.

Tina

You're right... let's not talk anymore.

Which one of you is the mother?

We both are.

I need you to put one name only for Angelica's mother.

Bette

Are you kidding me?

I can't process your paperwork.

Bette

This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on ever fucking street corner! She was born in this fucking hospital, and both of our names are on the fucking birth certificate! So, why don't you just give us a fucking break you straight, bureaucratic maggot, and get our daughter to see a God damn doctor! Please?