[reading Dorothy's "bio" at the bachelorette auction] "If Dorothy's not off winging her way to Molokai to assist Father Damien in his work with the lepers, you can find her hang-gliding high above the Florida Keys."
Rose... where did you get that?!
From your mother. Before she and I talked, I wasn't aware of any of it. [continues reading] "She's a scratch golfer who, under President Jimmy Carter, served as the United States Senate Majority Whip. And she likes to read."
[to Blanche] I figured, close with the truth. It'll kind of anchor the rest.
I want to thank you all for holding this event on a night when my hang-glider is in the shop, and Congress is in recess, and the lepers are on Geraldo. Go ahead Rose.
Right Dorothy. All right, now let's start the bidding at five dollars.
[entering lobby] One hundred dollars.
Stanley! What are you doing here?
I'm buying a date with the woman I love.
Oh geez! Not in front of people!
BBidder
One hundred and ten!
[to Blanche, about the bidder, who is a man they all "bought" for Dorothy] What the hell is he doing? Didn't you give him a limit?
Stan Two hundred!
Security! Have this man removed! He's a lonely male impersonator.
[jumps up from table] What?! What is WRONG with you? The woman's been with lepers!
Stanley stop it! I am not going out with you. I would rather be bound and gagged, and left on an anthill covered with honey.
SBSecond Bidder
FOUR HUNDRED!
[pointing to Rose] SHE says that!
SOLD! Sorry Dorothy, that's $500 for the Children's Hospital. I guess dreams really can come true.
I met a beautiful young Sicilian aerobics instructor. Gorgeous eyes, angelic mouth, and a behind dat must have been made on a Saturday because even the good Lord himself would wanna take a day off to admire it! I lost my heart, and I opened my wallet, eh. All the expensive gifts and fancy dinners and weekends in Mykonos, eh. I even wore one of those-a tiny Speedo swimsuits, shows all your gingerbread and everything, eh. And she leaves me. What does a six-foot-seven-inch American basketball player got that I don't?
Well Angelo, speaking in terms of the gingerbread alone---
Where are we gonna find an adult with a child-like naïveté to play Henny Penny?
[Rose enters through the front door]
You're not gonna believe it! I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball!
My God, she is Henny Penny!
[narrating the play, with Rose acting out Henny Penny's actions] Once upon a time, on a beautiful spring day, Henny Penny was waking up from a nap under an oak tree, when an acorn fell from the tree and hit her on the head. [fake paper acorn hits Rose on the head] Funny, when I was a little girl in Sicily and they told this story, it was a safe that fell on her head.
I like a fairy tale with a nice prince in it, a handsome prince with a big ol' codpiece and deep, dark eyes... powerful thighs and muscles ripplin' beneath his tunic...
Blanche, you could get aroused by Humpty Dumpty!
Are you kiddin'? All the king's horses and all the king's men! Handsome men with deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles and big ol' codpieces...
Blanche, how do you make it through an omelette?!
[looking at obituaries in newspaper] Whoa!
I told you, you're dead! You must be! It says so in the paper!
[Blanche takes the paper from Sophia]
[reading] "Blanche Deveraux, age 68..." [shocked] 68?!
Blanche, that's terrible! They're almost as far off on your age as you are.
[narrating] On the way, Henny Penny and Goosey Lucy came upon Turkey Lurkey.
[Dorothy whirls around to face the audience in her costume, reading a book with a dour expression on her face.]
Yes, poor, lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor dateless, hopeless, self-basting---
[narrating] And from that day to this, Henny Penny, Goosey Lucy and Turkey Lurkey were never seen a---
STOP! [to the audience] Children, kids, it's up to you! I mean, if you want to save us and not have us eaten by Foxy Loxy, applaud! [No response.] I mean it! I mean, clap now if you want to see the goose, the chicken and the turkey live! [No response. Sophia gestures to Rose to shut up, but Rose ignores her.] Come on, put your little hands together! [No response.] Save us and you won't have bad dreams! [No response.] CLAP, you miserable little---
[She and Blanche, still in costume, walk out on the stage, grab Rose by the arm and drag her off] Come on, Henny, let's get it over with.
But what about their bad dreams?!
[to the audience] Fine, but I just want you to know, there are monsters living under all your beds!!!
