I slept with my two brothers until I was seventeen. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time, but that's a separate story.
S2 E17Bedtime Story
What are you doing?
I am contouring my eyebrows. I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide because we have exactly the same bone structure. I just hope she doesn't let herself go to pot after that baby comes. I don't want that big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.
I never do very much with my eyebrows.
That's why from the nose up, you look like Wilford Brimley.
Ma, don't be ridiculous, just turn up the heat.
It's already on 9. On 10, you can cook a Lean Cuisine!
[hearing a noise] Did you hear that?
Yeah, and while I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want! [others back away]
SStationmaster
Y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.
You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
SStationmaster
No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!
This is like the Twilight Zone. Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.
[Rose, who is scared after hearing a radio report about two escaped convicts from Georgia, is in bed with Blanche, and is demanding that Blanche tell her a story to calm her fears]
Once upon a time there were three bears...
Not that one.
Pigs?
No!
[irritated] Elephants. And they lived with a little girl named Rose.
The elephants lived in the house?!
They were elephant dolls. Every night when Rose went to bed, she'd take the three elephants with her, because they made her feel so safe and secure.
Elephant dolls???
[sounding more and more irritated] Right, elephant dolls. Until finally one night they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them that they went off to sleep someplace else, and two big ol' escaped convicts snuck in through the window and MURDERED ROSE IN HER SLEEP!!!!
Oh! [gets out of bed and flees into Blanche's closet]
Rose! Oh Rose, grow up!
Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chipped beef.
Of course I did, Rose!
You didn't like it.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, I loved it.
[indicating the pile of untouched food on Dorothy's plate] Well, then have another bite.
[pauses for a second] Okay... [gingerly takes a forkful of the chipped beef, but just as she is about to open her mouth, there is a power failure and the kitchen goes pitch black]
Oh no, the power lines must be down!
That's just great. I've got ten pounds of fresh clams in the refrigerator.
[Suddenly, the power returns, and we see Dorothy dabbing her lips with her napkin, and her plate is now clean]
Rose, that was delicious, oh, thank you.
Who moved my purse? [struggles to lift her purse] And why does it feel so heavy?
S2 E18Forgive Me, Father
Eighty-one years I've eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn't have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants!
Ma, you're not making it any easier.
Look, Dorothy, in the end only you can decide what's right for you, and whatever decision it is, I'll stand by it.
Thanks, Ma.
Just remember, make the wrong decision, you'll burn in hell forever. Sleep tight, Pussycat.
[describing a dream she had] I was a contestant on The Dating Game, and I won. I went around the corner to meet the bachelor who picked me, and it was the Pope.
Boy, that is a tough one. Where'd you go on the date?
Oh, forget it, forget it, good night Blanche.
[Dorothy is embarrassed to find out that her date is actually a priest.]
FLFr. Leahy
You look lovely tonight.
I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.
Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Where was it?
It was in my bra.
What was it doing in your bra?
I was blowing my breasts, Rose.
[Blanche and Dorothy are role-playing to rehearse Dorothy's plan to invite Frank over for dinner, Blanche as Dorothy and Dorothy as Frank.]
Why Frank, you know, I've been thinkin', this is the third Saturday of our relationship and I don't even know what you like to eat. Why don't you come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what [breathy and seductively] whets your appetite?
And what are you serving for dessert, Blanche, penicillin?
[meeting Frank for the first time, is stunned that he is a priest] Good evening, Father. My, my, this must be an important cause. Don't you usually make the nuns ask for money? I'll get my purse.
I- I'm Frank. I'm here to see Dorothy.
You're the hunk? I mean... forgive me, Father. That is, forgive my language, uh- not in your official capacity. I'm not even Catholic, I'm a Baptist and you can't forgive us Baptists. ... Sweet Jesus, why am I babblin'? ... I meant that in all due reverence. I never take the Lord's name in vain. Oh God, now I'm lyin' to a priest! Why don't you just come on in and sit down? I'm, I'm Blanche, I'm Dorothy's roommate. Would you get the door?
Dorothy's told me a great deal about you.
[nervously]] Well, she seems to have left out one itty-bitty detail about you.
That I'm a priest?
Uh-huh.
She didn't know.
What'd she think, you were just a boring dresser?
She's never seen me in cleric's clothing.
I didn't know you priests could take your clothes off.
We do a lot of things real people do.
Except for one very important thing. Boy, is that gonna put a hitch in Dorothy's plans.
[in confessional at church] I'm not here to confess, Father, I did that a day and a half ago. At my age, how much can I sin? What, I had an impure thought? I'd kill to have an impure thought. But that would be two sins. But now I'm telling you your business. Let me get to the real point of my visit. It's about you and my daughter. I know everything, and frankly, I'm not thrilled.
[Cut to inside the confessional. Sophia thinks the priest she is talking to is Frank, but it's actually a different priest. The priest inside the confessional looks horrified.]
Of course, if you want to break your mother's heart and leave the priesthood, that's between you and the Vatican. But there are a few things you should know about Dorothy before you get carried away.
DDeacon
[outside confessional] So, Frank, have you made your decision?
I think I can serve God and the Church better as a teaching priest at St. Helen instead of a parish priest here.
DDeacon
Well, we're gonna miss you around here.
[inside confessional, still thinking she is talking to Frank] Look, I know priests are men and they have urges. What is it, lust? It'll pass. I do without, you get used to it. Get cable TV.
[seeing Frank as a priest for the first time] ...tell me that's a Nehru jacket.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.