Please, please Stan. No hugging, no kissing. Let's just do it and get it over with.
Sounds like the last few years of our marriage.
I wish it was that good.
S1 E11The Return of Dorothy's Ex (a.k.a.) Stan's Return
[after Stan leaves]
Why did I ever marry that man?
Because he knocked you up!
Why did I let that happen?
Because he got you drunk!
Dorothy Why am I even discussing this with you?
Beats the hell out of me!
[sobbing] Chrissy left me for a younger man!
Younger than Chrissy? Where did she meet him, Camp Snoopy?
I didn't want to say anything. What the hell, you deserve to gloat a little.
I deserve to gloat a lot! But I can't. I know what the pain is like and I wouldn't wish it on... I don't know how to finish that sentence. I usually say, "Stan."
When Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO Club, and that's where I first met Eddie, the Aqua Midget.
He was a blue midget?
Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a stepladder into this gigantic punch bowl.
So, um, what happened?
Nothing, he'd just swim to the side and hop out...
I mean, uh, what happened between you and Eddie?
We talked a lot between shows, and, of course, I didn't realize it, but he was falling for me.
Didn't have far to fall.
It started with little things...
I bet. [she and Dorothy crack up]
Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I tried to let him down gently.
You tried to make it short and sweet? [she and Dorothy laugh again]
He just wouldn't take no for an answer, so I finally just had to tell him straight out that I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size, it was just that I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.
[trying not to laugh] Thank you, Rose. I, I don't know what to say. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
S1 E12The Custody Battle
[about Sophia moving out]
Who's going to keep after us? Make us linguine and tell us stories about Sicily?
I don't know, Rose. Maybe Mary Poppins has an Italian cousin.
Oh Dorothy, can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?
Sure. What is it?
Don't expect a miracle.
When I thought I was moving, I was going to give each one of you a gift, but I want you to have them anyway. [hands a wrapped package to each of the girls]
Why Sophia, how sweet!
Oh honey, you shouldn't have!
[opening her package] Oh Ma, this is so lovely... and so familiar... this is mine. I thought the cleaner lost it.
I told you the cleaner lost it. I took it. I needed something to go with my black sweater.
[examining the sweater in her package] This is my black sweater!
I know. It goes great with...
...my pearls.
Well, enjoy and be healthy! [leaves]
S1 E13A Little Romance
[in Rose's dream, about the wedding] You can't disappoint your guests.
The guests? But I have to think about what's best for me!
That's only in real life, Rose. In a dream, you do what's best for the guests.
My son married a welder. Too bad she didn't weld his zipper shut; they got ten kids they can't afford.
He analyzed my dream.
What dream?
Oh, that recurring dream I have where I'm running naked through a train that keeps going through tunnel after tunnel while a sweaty bodybuilder chases me. He said he thinks it's sexual.
He thinks ? For God's sake, Blanche, you smoke a cigarette after that dream.
Not all my dreams are sexual! I also dream about food. Of course, I'm usually naked while I'm eatin' the food. I guess all my dreams are sexual. Lucky me!
[in Rose's dream]
Jeane, could you tell me what the future holds?
JDJeane Dixon
Sure. In January, Brooke Shields and Lady Di will star together in a Broadway musical comedy. Senator Edward Kennedy will once again-
[interrupting] No no no, I mean what the future holds for me and Jonathan.
JDJeane Dixon
Rose, I'm not getting a clear picture on that. However, I do know that Jackie O. will tie the knot again-
[cutting in] Oh, uh, thank you very much Ms. Dixon, [shows her out of Rose's room with Blanche] enjoy the wedding.
[just as Sophia is entering the room] So Rose, you're seeing a psychiatrist.
It's about time! The woman gives names to her gingerbread men!
Ma, have a wonderful trip and call me the minute you get there. And please, Ma, try not to argue with Phil's wife.
We get along okay. Phil's wife has her good points. She's sweet, she's reliable, and when her father gets out of prison, she'll be a wealthy woman!
Dorothy, get the door. [walks towards Rose and Dr. Newman] Shrimp? [runs towards the kitchen]
NDr. Newman
She's a little uptight. I'm gonna have fun with her tonight.
Why don't we start dinner.
NDr. Newman
Good, what are we having.
[freezes for a couple of seconds] Short ribs.
[Sophia comes home early, and sees Dr. Newman, a little person. She just stares for a moment.]
[Nervously] Uh, Ma, this is Dr. Johnathan Newman.
Hello. I hope that this doesn't sound rude... [Blanche and Dorothy are holding each other, looking like they are waiting for a disaster.] ...but I just came from a long trip, and I'm very tired. If you'll excuse me.
NDr. Newman
Of course. Lovely to have met you.
Likewise. [Begins to walk away] Dorothy, can I see you for a minute? [Dorothy walks over. Sophia speaks in a hushed voice.] That man over there, is he a midget?
Yes
Thank God, I thought I was having another stroke!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.