TV show quotes
[Comparing Dorothy's situation to the book she plans to write] Just like my heroine, sicker and sicker. Though, of course, my heroine doesn't look like you. This is a romantic novel, not science fiction! [She walks out of the kitchen laughing]
Remind me, when I feel better, to kick the crap out of her.
[On Dorothy's illness] It could be functional.
Functional?
Mental.
Mental?!! Well, let me tell you something, Mr. 100% Tip-Top Mental. My daughter may be no spring chicken, and her jaw might crack when she chews! And she may have noticeable trouble digesting raw vegetables! But one thing she is not, is mental!
Thanks, Ma.
Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?!
What a waste, Rose Nylund in New York!
[to Dorothy] It's going to be a great trip, you wait and see. You're going to be cured, and I'm going to get to see the Big Potato!
[Blanche gives Dorothy a "See?" look]
I said she was comforting, I didn't say she was smart.
Oh, girls, I have Writer's Block! It is the worst feeling in the world!
Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
You just sit there, hour after hour after hour!
Tell me about it.
You know, there are all sorts of things that people get that they can't diagnose, and then they disappear as mysteriously as they came. Gustav Lundqvist got sick from something mysterious, and he nearly died - well, he did die, in fact. Then at the cemetery, Beatrice Lundqvist, his wife, kept screaming, "He's alive! He's alive! I can hear him from the grave!" Well, everybody thought it was the hallucinations of a grieving widow, so they sedated her. But when she woke up from her sedation, she told them that he said from the grave, "We never paid our '78 through '86 income taxes!" And his partner said, "Only Gustav would know that! He must be alive!" So, they all raced to the cemetery, and the entire town started digging like crazy, kneeling by the grave, using their hands even, dirt flying and Beatrice screaming. And when they opened that coffin, there he was... dead as a doornail.
What is the point of that ridiculous story, Rose?!
The point is, Gustav didn't die from his mysterious disease at all! He lived and recovered. The trouble is, he recovered while he was buried, so by the time they got to him, he'd died of suffocation.
I just don't believe these stories you tell, Rose!
Another tragic aspect was, the IRS was waiting at the cemetery to arrest Gustav's partner, Bergstrom. So, Bergstrom killed himself right then and there, by grabbing the gun from Sheriff Tokqvist and shooting himself. What they did then was, since the grave was still open, and everyone was right there, and Gustav and Bergstrom had been partners, so they put Bergstrom in with Gustav and had a double burial. Unfortunately, later they found out that Bergstrom wanted to be cremated.
Oh, shut up, Rose!!!
Rose, what the hell are you doing?
I'm making omelets for us without yolks so we don't get too much cholesterol. That leaves us all these yolks which I hate to throw out, so I thought we'd give 'em to the homeless.
Fine, give them egg yolks. They'll die of heart attacks, they won't need homes. Your heart's in the right place, Rose, but I don't know where the hell your brain is!
If you will excuse me, Becky and I are having breakfast on the lanai. We're still bonding.
Dorothy, how come we never bond?
We're from before bonding and quality time. We're from when people stayed together because they had no choice.
[in the sperm bank during Becky's doctor's appointment] What in hell are we doin' here? I feel like I'm in the middle of some awful dream, yet I know it can't be a dream because there are no boy dancers.
Mother!
I just cannot believe you are actually going to give money to someone like this "sperm pusher!" You are a Devereaux, a Devereaux has never had to pay for it, I certainly haven't.
She's always depended on the kindness of strangers.
I got up early and did some research. There's a sperm bank not far from here.
How convenient.
No kidding do they have a drive up window?
Just last week, I was reading that you can buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners. Or was it Star Search winners?
Buy? Well sperm used to be free, it was all over the place!
Well, Mama, I'm going to do this whether you like it or not.
Oh? Oh, I see, missy. So this is the thanks I get for all those cold nights when you were a baby crying, and I had to get up out of bed and grope around in the dark for my slippers and robe, make my way all the way downstairs and, scream for the governess?!! [storms off]
[enters kitchen and sees various plates of food laid out in front of Blanche on the table] Hungry or suicidal?
My little girl is going to have a baby by artificial insemination.
[Rose, Sophia and Dorothy all pause and stare at Blanche with shocked expressions on their faces.]
I just can't bear to think about it.
[More silence and shocked expressions.]
I'm just being silly, aren't I?
[Yet more silence and shocked expressions.]
For God's sake, someone say something!
[shivering, making a disgusted face] Oooooooh!
[to Rose] Big help.
Dorothy, what about you? You're always the sensible one around here, the free, modern thinker who keeps up with the times. Now what do you think?
[shivering, making a disgusted face] Oooooooh!
What does one wear to a sperm bank?
Something attractive in rubber.
[pauses] ...I have that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
