Edward Horniman quotes from The Gentlemen

It's not my place to say anything, sir.

Sounds like you're going to anyway, so why don't you go ahead?

This journey that you've embarked on to bring the estate back to its former glory, it seems to be coming at quite a cost. For years, we've been living in the zoo and contracting. Now we're living in the jungle and expanding. And, yes, that does come at a cost.

[Eddie and Geoff pull up to Hastead manor] Good afternoon, Captain. You look like you've had a day of it. Anything you'd like to divulge?

Why don't we discuss it over a cup of tea?

Let's skip the tea. Get to the part where you tell me why there's a body in the back of your car. Are you gonna deny it?

Geoffrey? [Geoff opens trunk to reveal Takashi's body] I have a plan for that body.

Can I remind you of your position in the hierarchy? You work with us, not outside of us, and at the end of the day, my dad is the boss. It's best not to forget that.

I am well aware of the hierarchy, Susan. Who is he? There's a long and complicated explanation, which I'll share with you in the fullness of time. Back to the plan, please. [motions head] The plan is to use this body to bring Lord Hawthorne into the fold, thus securing my place in the House of Lords. First, we get one of your people to intercept him at one of his decadent, all-weekend parties. When he sets his drink aside, we'll slip him a goodnight pill. And the next morning, he'll wake up to a lovely surprise. [Lord Hawthorne wakes up in bed next to Takashi's body]

[calling] Lord Hawthorne, how are you this fine morning? Oh, that's terrible. Where are you? Good thing you called me. We have an understanding with the people that own that venue, so it's definitely something I can help you with. As luck could have it, we happen to be in the neighborhood. Stay where you are.

[walking into hotel room to see Takashi's body] Looks like quite the party.

Lord Hawthorne

I have no idea what happened.

Don't worry, Dickie. I'm sure we can find a way to sort it out for you. All will be well, won't it, Eddie?

Exactly.

[sitting in vehicle] So your intention is to let the bill go through, decriminalize mɑrіjսɑnɑ, and evoke the wrath of my dearly beloved father because, what, you wanna go legitimate?

It's not about legitimate or illegitimate, Susie. It's about having our cake and eating it. With Lord Hawthorne's backing, we let the bill go through. Then, meanwhile, we invest in a legitimate company that we bring in to sell our illegally grown weed on a legitimate market, avoiding the cost of regulation, undercutting our competitors, and becoming the corner shop of cannabis.

What about the elephant in the room? My father wants the bill blown out of the water.

Your father's got the blinkers on.

He's not gonna appreciate being blindsided.

Then we wait until we can present a fait accompli and we choose our moment extremely carefully.

"We"?

Yes, we. I was always gonna bring you in. I wanted to make sure I could deliver.

And you're confident you can?

Well, with you on board, I am.

I'd better think about it very carefully, then.

You'd better.

[to Eddie looking over pastures] Oh, this is a beautiful spot. Really peaceful.

You're spoiling the moment. Again.

Morning, Susan.

Captain. Been taking a look at your projections. I didn't realize mɑrіjսɑnɑ was the second-most valuable crop in the United States.

Mm. Other than soybeans. Americans do love a soybean.

Reckon there's a political will to push it through?

Decriminalization is a win-win. Not only do you reduce crime, relieving pressure on the police and freeing up space in the prisons for those naughty little criminals, you also bring in additional tax revenue worth billions a year. Consumers will be able to choose between expensive legal weed that they buy in a shop and inexpensive illegal weed they buy on the street.

You're confident decriminalization wouldn't have a negative impact on the pre-existing market that's provided both bread and butter to my family for the last generation?

The only difference is, instead of one line on the graph, there are now two big, fat ones.

The prospect of doing this without my father's permission leaves me with a sense of trepidation. He may look like Father Christmas, but if you end up on his naughty list, a lump of coal at the bottom of your stocking is gonna be the least of your worries.

The bill's gonna go through, whether he likes it or not. If we get in now, we can use our position to take advantage. We wait, and we get left behind.

Hm.

Can I count on your support?

[answers phone] You all right, Jimmy?

Sorry to interrupt you, boss. I think we've got a bit of a problem down at the farm. Only it's a bit delicate. Maybe even politically motivated.

What sort of problem, Jimmy?

They call it a go-slow. It's a strike aimed at reducing productivity by moving at half the speed.

Have you heard the news? The King is in.

Ah, swift work, Nanny. Thank you.

Charlotte’s raced up to tell Mama.

Hm. How are you?

All right, good.

Well, she’ll be very happy. We haven’t had a visit from a monarch since the 18th century, believe it or not.

Well, he’s particularly excited to meet you, Eddie. A duke done good in farming, no less. When I told him about how much you’re raking in on your various agricultural exploits, he was gagging to find out more.

I hope you didn’t build me up too much.

You won’t disappoint, Eddie. You won’t. You’ve changed since you left the army. In a good way, I hasten to add. Most people who’ve seen what you have will either disappear into a bottle or blow their brains out.

It’s certainly a struggle for many of our comrades. Some more than others.

Well, you, my friend, do seem to have grabbed life by the lapels.

That’s kind of you to say, Nanny. But I think, uh, it’s not 100% accurate.

You’ve never been any good at taking compliments, Eddie. Part of your charm, I suppose.

Hm.

Anyway, I’ll go and lend some moral support. Preparations for a royal visit can feel daunting to the uninitiated.

Unfortunately, Mr. MacDougall has decided not to pursue your offer.

And you proposed the 18, as discussed?

I did indeed.

Any insight into why he didn’t agree?

He declined to go into details with me over the phone, but his response was emphatic.

Emphatic how?

Ah, a certain amount of language was used.

[flashback scene] It’s my land, and I’m not gonna sell it to that posh cunt!

Hm. I think a more direct approach might be necessary. Neighbor to neighbor.

Sorry to bother you, Mr. MacDougall. The Duke would like a word.

He’s here?

Hello, Simon. Sorry to drop in unannounced.

Your Grace.

So, what do we owe this rare pleasure to?

Well, uh, I heard you’ve decided to sell up.

That’s correct.

I was a little disappointed that you hadn’t let me know, given the conversation we had.

Yes, sorry about that. I decided to, uh, test the water on the open market. The offer I gave you is much higher than you’d get on the open market.

I mean, why don’t we just save yourself the trouble?

I’d prefer not to.

And, uh, do you have another buyer in the waiting?

Nope, not yet.

Uh, Simon, is there anything I’ve done to offend you?

I’ve lived next door to your family for 15 years. Every Christmas, we’ve invited you round for drinks. Not once has anyone dignified us with a response to say that you could not make it.

Well, I am a very busy man, Simon, and my mother a poor correspondent. For that, I can only apologize for our collective failures. In the light of that, why don’t I raise the offer to 19 million right here, right now, and we call it a day?

You see, you... you know what the trouble is with… with people like.... like you? You... you think you’re better than us, with your… with your seat and your title and your… your dodgy mates. Don’t think I don’t know what goes on up at that estate. I’ve... I’ve heard the rumors. You think you can just buy whatever you want, but the truth is that you can’t. So, why don’t you take your 19 million and shove it up your arse?ǃ

I don’t blame you, Simon, for the cloud of misapprehension that you’re currently under. My offer to you is 19 million. Tomorrow, it will be 18. The next day, 17. And it will continue to decrease until it reaches zero. It’s a very generous offer. I suggest you accept it.

If you think you can intimidate me, like some kind of gangster, you can’t.

But what if you were right, Simon? What if, as well as a duke and a peer of the realm, I was, indeed, a gangster? Do you really think that you can stop me getting what I want?

Bobby Glass

If you’d brought this to me sooner, there wouldn’t have been a problem, you see, ’cause I’d have stopped it. Now there’s been a whole catalog of issues, and in every instance, I would have said no. I mean, you start messing around with the gear so much that people are murdering government officials. No. You start letting workers walk away from their operation so they can come back and steal from us. No. You start agreeing to sit down with people who stole from us. No. No. Fucking no. Here’s what you’re gonna do. Nothing. I’ll handle it.

No. No, no, no, no. We cannot do nothing. We have to locate the product and get it off the open market.

I’ll handle it.

No. If the police trace the weed back to us, the effects of that would be catastrophic. Well, what would be catastrophic is if we sat down with these people, ’cause that makes us look weak, and that is not acceptable. As soon as they start shifting the product, we’ll find them. We’ve got soldiers on the street of every city in this country. And the moment they get a sniff, well, they’re gonna let us know. In fact, if you listen very carefully, you might be able to hear ’em now. [gestures] Can you hear that? Can... Can you hear them?

No, Bobby.

Jack Glass

It’s the sound of the jungle drums, Eddie.

Bobby Glass

That’s right, Jackie boy. It’s the sound of the jungle drums. And as soon as the message comes through, we’ll move in and kill the lot of ’em. [clap hands] Job done.

No. We are not waiting that long.

Bobby Glass

Well, what’s the rush?

The rush? Bobby, as you’ve said many times in the past, the key to our success is in longevity, our ability to stay under the radar. If people start fucking murdering each other and going mad on the street, the police, the press, they have a field day.

Bobby Glass

No, you... you don’t get to tell me about longevity.

He’s right, though, Dad. It’s bad for business.

Bobby Glass

Look, you’re caught up in the micro, but you’re failing to take in the macro of it all. That’s where the real longevity kicks in. From where I’m standing, this problem could be to our advantage. I mean, a load of lads losing their marbles over a marijuana-induced psychosis on the eve of the vote for the decriminalization is, um... Well, it might be the final little push we need.

We can’t just disobey orders from the patriarchy, Eddie.

That’s exactly what we’re gonna do. Besides, I don’t feel like sitting in prison saunas and talking about jungle drums anymore. It’s like working with bloody Mad King George.

Don’t knock the reign of George III. He built Buckingham Palace and figured out the rules to cricket.

Only because his advisors stepped in and made the decisions for him. When he was in charge, we lost America.

We can take it back if you like. Now, how would we locate the product?

Well, by asserting ourselves with precision.

When you say “asserting ourselves with precision”?

Yes, I happen to have a colleague I think might be perfect for the occasion.

Do you ever get nostalgic for your former life as a soldier?

Hm. There’s certainly something very seductive about a chain of command. But once you start taking responsibility for your own actions, it’s, uh, very hard to go back.

Do I detect a double meaning lurking beneath the surface there?

Well, there could be something lurking there if you want.

[approaches and Eddie lights cigar] Thank you for agreeing to meet. I know you’re serious people, and I am eager to resolve this situation to your satisfaction.

Before we can have any kind of conversation, you’re gonna need to give us our weed back.

It seems you have a labor problem. I took the opportunity to deal with this problem for you. Clearly, you’re struggling to find good people. I would like to offer you my services to provide you with a more efficient team of workers who I could guarantee would never have the temerity to steal from you.

Well, there is no deal to be had here, Victor. We’re done.

You seem to overestimate the strength of your position. Bobby Glass is a big man, but he’s been away a long time. I have some Albanian associates who are inside with him, and they say he’s a little crazy these days. Not crazy like a mad dog. The word for that in Albanian is tërbuar, which means... furious, dangerous, deranged. The word they use for him, çmendur, which means mad like a madman. A lunatic. Nobody fears a man who’s çmendur. They give him coins from their pockets. Crust of bread, maybe. You need us.

Well, sadly, we disagree. [drops cigar on ground and Andy wipes out Victor's men] Uh, uh, uh. The next round is trained on you. And he will not hesitate to blow a hole in your fucking brain if I give him the signal.

You seem to have mistaken the man for the symbol. Bobby Glass, the man, is flesh and blood, susceptible to the whims of human nature. But behind him, there’s an army. Many of those soldiers have never met him and probably never will, but their loyalty to him, to what he represents, is absolute. So you’re going to return our weed unless you wanna end up like your friends, in the dirt.

[shakes hands] Good work, Andy.

Impressive proficiency you’ve got with that thing.

Thanks. I’ll be in touch. You know where I live.

Mm.

Do all former Queen’s Dragoon Guards carry themselves with the same poise?

Well, sign of a good drill sergeant, Susan.

Expensive?

I happen to have a 17th century manor house I’ve recently acquired that needs a custodian. Andy needed new digs and a little direction, so it turned into a win-win.

Useful man to have around.

You never know when you might need him.

Apologies for the tardiness. I was waylaid at the farm.

Mm. Are the workers all happy and capitulated?

Happy enough now that the scourge of socialist agitation’s been eradicated.

Hm. What about our product? Managed to recover it?

Blanket picked up the barrels this morning. They are now buried under six feet of soil, where it can’t turn any more minds into oblivion.

Now, seeing as you’ve already gone against your father once already, would I be correct in assuming you’re gonna join me on the bill?

What makes you think I wasn’t simply moved by the desire to save the loss of innocent lives?

Well, I wouldn’t dream of suggesting otherwise.

Ah.

I think I know you pretty well now. I have a feeling you’ve already made up your mind.

Am I that easy to read?

You’re many things, Susan. Easy to read isn’t one of them. Same can’t be said of your father, unfortunately.

I know people think my father’s mad, but he’s not. A little eccentric, maybe, set in his ways, and maybe I haven’t always realized that sometimes he’s wrong, but he’s not mad. Saying that, he will be if he finds out.

Mm. The first thing he’ll know is when the bill goes through, by which time, it’ll be too late to stop it. Then you and I are gonna sit down with him and have a little chat, tell him how much fucking money he’s gonna make.

All right, then, Captain. If we’re gonna hijack democracy in the name of making a healthy profit, we should start rounding up some peers.

Yes, we should.

The House of Lords is one of the oldest institutions in the world. Some say it's an affront to modern democracy. Others that this group of steady-handed experts, unaffected by the vagaries of public opinion, are the only thing stopping the country from tipping over into the abyss.

Bobby Glass

I don't need a fսcking history lesson, Dickie. Cut to the chase.

Right, yes. The point of the matter is the bill to decriminalize mɑrіjսɑnɑ will be decided on Friday. If the Contents get it, the bill is passed, and you'll be able to buy an eighth of premium-grade wacky-tobaccy from any number of a thousand certified high-street outlets by the end of the year. If the Not-contents get it, the bill will be thrown back to the House of Commons, where it will slowly wither up and die, like a gamey old courtesan with the clap.

Once you take party loyalty into account, the House is split down the middle, which means whoever controls the non-affiliated hereditary peers effectively controls what happens to the bill.

And thanks to the delicate and nuanced work of the boys over the last couple of weeks, I'd say we're quietly confident.

Bobby Glass

Well, that's it, then, isn't it? Job done. This time next week, it'll be as dead as disco.

[at eating establishment] We need you to let the bill go through.

We've just told your father we'd block it.

Don't worry about him. You need to focus on how you're gonna persuade your compadres to pull a 180.

What are you talking about?

We know it's a big ask, but given the unique nature of our reciprocal relationship, we thought on this occasion you might be able to pull out all the stops.

Please don't think I'm not grateful for everything you've done for me.

Say no more. And rest assured, we haven't breathed a word of your little incident to anyone.

Not a word.

I'm not saying I won't do it, but... Oh dear. Let me explain. [positions condiment bottles on table] Um... You have your red sauce, brown sauce, salt and pepper, your mustard. Now, the Conservatives, they'll never support it. But Labour will. The Liberals are pretty much divided down the middle. And the lion's share of the hereditary peers will follow the money, but that still leaves possibly 20 votes short.

Well, who's the mustard in this analogy, Dickie?

In addition to the peers who make up the membership of the House of Lords, there are 26 Lords Spiritual. Now, together, they would form a block that could push us over the line. But there is a significant wrinkle that would need to be ironed out in the shape of the Bishop of Sussex.

What's the ish with the bish?

She's a staunch campaigner against the evil menace of nɑrcоtіcs. But there might be a route into her vestry, so to speak. There is a wayward son in the picture.

Mm. Well, you leave the bishop to us.

Do you know what Jesus said to the vendors when he cast them out of the temple? He said to them, "It is written." "My house shall be called a house of prayer..."

"And you shall make it a den of thieves." I couldn't agree more. You shouldn't hijack people's beliefs in the Almighty for one's own profit.

You're new.

Yes. I was voted in a couple of weeks ago.

Hereditary. Quite rare these days. Not as rare as bishops.

[chuckles] I wanted to talk to you about the upcoming bill.

I gather you're tight with Lord Hawthorne. I must say, you're very ambitious to champion a piece of legislation so early on in your career.

Well, I happen to believe that there are various social and economic benefits to legalizing mɑrіjսɑnɑ.

It's a gateway drսg, Your Grace. Have you been to the rehabilitation centers and met the people whose lives have been ruined?

Yes, I have. My brother happens to be in one right now.

Is that your motivation? The personal angle? Or is it just a narrative flourish you use to sweet-talk the support?

[chuckles] Well, you're certainly very cynical for one with such profound belief.

And you're very naive if you think you can persuade the Church of England to support decriminalization.

I'm merely here to see if there's a way you and I can help each other out. I wanted to talk to you about your son.

Sorry, what did you say?

Oscar. I heard he's got himself into a spot of bother.

[gets up] I think this meeting's run its course.

Let's not be too hasty. Just hear me out, please.

My son has got nothing to do with any of this.

I am aware of that, but I'm also aware that I need your help getting this bill through. And I think I can help him get out of his troubles. So please, tell me what happened.

My son is a very determined individual. He works in property. [sighs] Everything was going very well up until a few months ago. He got involved in a new development. He ended up borrowing money from some disreputable lenders to buy some obnoxious monstrosity out near Ascot. He contacted me three weeks ago, asking to borrow money to repay them. I gave him all I had, but then he called a week later asking for more. I said no. I'm very worried. I... I haven't seen him since. He isn't returning my calls.

Well, believe it or not, I've had some success in the past dealing with this sort of problem. Why don't you let me carry your burden, and, if I succeed, you can help carry mine?