Lord Hawthorne quotes from The Gentlemen

Lord Hawthorne

[at an eating establishment] I've always taken great pleasure in the culinary delights of the invertebrate. [chuckles] The crushed ice. The gleaming treasure served up on a calciferous shell. The slippery feeling as it glides down your throat. Do you take a couple of chews on the way, or do you prefer to swallow them whole?

Jack Glass

Well, it depends on the oysters. When they're this fresh, you need to give them a bit of a chomp. Make sure they're dead.

Lord Hawthorne

Oh. Wonderful how the animal instinct kicks in, even in as refined a setting as this. Tell me something, Jack. If you had to be an animal, which animal would it be?

Jack Glass

Well, Dad always says I fight like a dog. But I think that's a compliment.

Lord Hawthorne

[chuckles] Oh, you're much higher up the food chain than that. A lion, maybe. Or perhaps a wolverine. I've always identified as a fox. You see, I'm wily and cunning. And I have a very bushy tail.

Jack Glass

Listen, Richard. I don't mind a bit of chasey-chasey, but there's gonna be no sucky-fucky at the end.

Lord Hawthorne

Oh, Jack, Jack, Jack. [chuckles] I think you've completely misread things. I wouldn't...

Jack Glass

I don't mind playing the game and having a little flirt, if it makes you happy. But your cock and my arse? Not gonna happen. Not that I have a problem with it. It just ain't really my relish.

Lord Hawthorne

What is your relish?

Jack Glass

Mіnge, mսff, gash, clunge. Front, not back bottom.

Lord Hawthorne

[peering into handbag loaded with cash bills] What a lovely bag. I see you have a penchant for flattery, Miss Glass. Despite the elegant Chanel presentation, I will be neither beguiled, intimidated, nor threatened.

I'm not threatening you. I'm simply contextualizing the situation.

Lord Hawthorne

I'd like to speak to Eddie. Where is he?

Busy.

Lord Hawthorne

Busy doing what?

Hunting, fishing, counting the doves in his dovecote. I don't know. Thirty, plus a night out on the town with my brother is what was agreed. Now, I understand that, despite his best endeavors, Jack failed to deliver what you feel was required. But unless you can articulate what went wrong, we're done.

Lord Hawthorne

He didn't... commit to the evening.

He's not a homosexual. Neither are you, of course, a homosexual. Jack's arse was never on the dartboard.

Lord Hawthorne

I didn't ask for his arse. I wanted a night out on the town, which, as I explained, he failed to deliver on.

There has never been a more heterosexual man to walk this earth than my brother Jack. He's like a dog with six dicks. But they all point in the direction of a vajayjay. Now, if you'd like someone to wank you off, I suggest you close your eyes and imagine some hairy knuckles.

Lord Hawthorne

Oh, that's not my thing, dear.

Mm, I rest my case. Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna leave you here with that elegant bag with 30,000 cash so you can go buy as many dicks as you like. And you can think over your options. We'll talk tomorrow. [walks out]

[Eddie and Geoff pull up to Hastead manor] Good afternoon, Captain. You look like you've had a day of it. Anything you'd like to divulge?

Why don't we discuss it over a cup of tea?

Let's skip the tea. Get to the part where you tell me why there's a body in the back of your car. Are you gonna deny it?

Geoffrey? [Geoff opens trunk to reveal Takashi's body] I have a plan for that body.

Can I remind you of your position in the hierarchy? You work with us, not outside of us, and at the end of the day, my dad is the boss. It's best not to forget that.

I am well aware of the hierarchy, Susan. Who is he? There's a long and complicated explanation, which I'll share with you in the fullness of time. Back to the plan, please. [motions head] The plan is to use this body to bring Lord Hawthorne into the fold, thus securing my place in the House of Lords. First, we get one of your people to intercept him at one of his decadent, all-weekend parties. When he sets his drink aside, we'll slip him a goodnight pill. And the next morning, he'll wake up to a lovely surprise. [Lord Hawthorne wakes up in bed next to Takashi's body]

[calling] Lord Hawthorne, how are you this fine morning? Oh, that's terrible. Where are you? Good thing you called me. We have an understanding with the people that own that venue, so it's definitely something I can help you with. As luck could have it, we happen to be in the neighborhood. Stay where you are.

[walking into hotel room to see Takashi's body] Looks like quite the party.

Lord Hawthorne

I have no idea what happened.

Don't worry, Dickie. I'm sure we can find a way to sort it out for you. All will be well, won't it, Eddie?

Exactly.

[at eating establishment] We need you to let the bill go through.

We've just told your father we'd block it.

Don't worry about him. You need to focus on how you're gonna persuade your compadres to pull a 180.

What are you talking about?

We know it's a big ask, but given the unique nature of our reciprocal relationship, we thought on this occasion you might be able to pull out all the stops.

Please don't think I'm not grateful for everything you've done for me.

Say no more. And rest assured, we haven't breathed a word of your little incident to anyone.

Not a word.

I'm not saying I won't do it, but... Oh dear. Let me explain. [positions condiment bottles on table] Um... You have your red sauce, brown sauce, salt and pepper, your mustard. Now, the Conservatives, they'll never support it. But Labour will. The Liberals are pretty much divided down the middle. And the lion's share of the hereditary peers will follow the money, but that still leaves possibly 20 votes short.

Well, who's the mustard in this analogy, Dickie?

In addition to the peers who make up the membership of the House of Lords, there are 26 Lords Spiritual. Now, together, they would form a block that could push us over the line. But there is a significant wrinkle that would need to be ironed out in the shape of the Bishop of Sussex.

What's the ish with the bish?

She's a staunch campaigner against the evil menace of nɑrcоtіcs. But there might be a route into her vestry, so to speak. There is a wayward son in the picture.

Mm. Well, you leave the bishop to us.