I had a proposal for the naming rights to the mascots this morning.
Millie, Olly and Syd?
Uh-huh.
Any good?
Not bad if you don’t mind them being called Big Mac, Fordie and Microsofty
“Talking to the Troops” · Season 2, Episode 2
In this episode: John Clarke (5), Gina Riley (4), Bryan Dawe (3), Staff Member (3)
In this very room, we’ve probably got a microcosm of Australia’s fabulous cultural diversity. [To Asian-looking staff member] Where, for example, do you come from?
Who, me? Collaroy.
No, I mean where are your parents from?
Oh, they’re from Petersham.
What about your grandparents, then? Where are your grandparents from?
Well, they had a market garden up in Maitland.
Yes, well, good on them. My point is the cultural diversity. I mean, we all come from somewhere. In my own case, for example, probably principally Ireland and Scotland in the 1860s. What about you?
Oh, well, they came up from Melbourne in about 1855.
Good on them.
From the Victorian goldfields.
Yes, very good. Yes, well, the cultural point is probably well made.
Yes, we are embarked upon what is undoubtedly the greatest event ever mounted in Australia.
Of any kind.
Yes, Bryan, yes, probably the greatest event ever mounted in any Australia of any kind.
Of any kind in Australia.
Pardon?
Why have we issued tickets that don’t fit the little tickets slots?
Can I just handle that? Can I just say that the ticketing system that we implemented for these games is absolutely superb? If it had come off we would have been national heroes. I mean, it was a brilliant idea.
[The room erupts in laughter]:
What went wrong?
We got caught.
Listen. I mean, before you get abusive, shagnasty, you want to consider organising something of the magnitude of these games. I mean, this a serious undertaking. This isn’t a school gala day we’re organising here.
[Reading from an information pack issued to all members of staff]:
Australia is a bi-cameral, monarchical federation run by the states and with the right of appeal to the media. The capital is Canberra, obviously. The principal industries in this country are coal and the Olympics. If a visitor comments on the high price of accommodation or Olympic tickets do point out that due to strong management at the highest level, the Australian dollar is now roughly equivalent to the American dime. So they’re not getting a bad deal. The reason prices might seem slightly higher in some instances is of course, Australia’s exciting new GST. The long-term benefits of taxation reform far outweigh the relatively minor inconvenience of paying $6.50 for a cup of coffee. If you are with a visitor from overseas in a traffic jam in Sydney, you are to say, "This is very unusual. A truck must have tipped over". If it rains during the period September 15 to October 1, say "Goodness me, how tremendous. A benediction for Australia’s rich farmlands". Of course, if it hails, go inside because, obviously, you might get killed. The Aboriginal population in Australia is a happy and largely nomadic people and while we are deeply committed to the improvement of their desperate condition... they are perfectly well. You might like to mention Cathy Freeman – they’ve probably heard of her. The name of the man who built the hundred-metre track is Mr Jim Wilson of ACME Construction. He has absolutely nothing to do with this organisation. He’s only ever been here the one time.
And we don’t think anyone saw him.
He also, incidentally, designed and built the triathlon track, a range of very high-quality ticketing machines, the main runway at Sydney Airport and lanes four and five of the Olympic swimming pools. If you are asked who is paying for these Olympic Games you are to say, "No speeka di Inglish". If attending Olympic events, visitors should be advised to eat before leaving home - that one’s quite important - and if attending the swimming, visitors should be advised to take a very powerful telescope and maybe a small amount of oxygen if they’re sitting above about row F. The minister’s name is Mr Michael Knight. Mr Michael Knight. Beach Volleyball is not simply a game of volleyball played on a beach. It is a game of volleyball best played in a very large neo-Hitler construction which people can’t get into without paying and is built on an area that used to be a beach. That about covers it. Good luck. Bat on.
What do the IOC actually do?
Well, as I’ve just said, they select the city for the Games.
And how do they do that?
Well, they travel around the world for many years looking at places where the Olympics might be held.
ASAnother Staff Member
Have the Olympics ever been held in a brothel?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Games pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.