John Clarke quotes from The Games

Bryan Dawe

John, don’t fight what you can’t change.

John Clarke

That’s the ANZAC spirit, isn’t it Bryan?

John Clarke

What’s wrong with her?

Bryan Dawe

Big night with the Albanians.

John Clarke

Really? She went out with an Albanian delegation. What does that mean?

Bryan Dawe

She set fire to one of their wigs.

Bryan Dawe

What happened in Melbourne? What legacy did they have?

John Clarke

As a result of the Olympics?

Bryan Dawe

Yes.

John Clarke

Slums, by and large. They built a whole lot of accommodation out at West Heidelberg. It’s still there, I think. You still hear it mentioned from time to time. "Police later found the vehicle abandoned at West Heidelberg." "Police are anxious to speak to the population of West Heidelberg."

John Clarke

Can you get Ian Barrundi to come?

Bryan Dawe

Ian Barrundi? Yes.

John Clarke

Get him to come.

Bryan Dawe

We’d need a weight lifter.

John Clarke

Well, we need a recently retired, top flight international athlete.

Bryan Dawe

Who’s as thick as pig shit.

John Clarke

He’s very good in a meeting, Bryan. He’s excellent in a meeting.

Bryan Dawe

He knows nothing about corporate law and doesn’t know what the Minister’s deal is.

John Clarke

The Americans don’t know that.

Bryan Dawe

It’ll take me an hour and a half to brief him.

John Clarke

He doesn’t need to say anything. Go and ring him. He doesn’t need to say anything. I just want him to be there. Tell him to dress for church and be in attendance.

So who is the Chief Executive?

John Clarke

At the moment?

What do you mean at the moment? How many have you had?

John Clarke

I’m speaking from memory... about four, so far.

What happened to the other ones?

John Clarke

Some of them are spending a little bit more time with their families.

John Clarke

I can ask them to leave, if you like?

No, no problem at all.

John Clarke

No?

I'm an American, we invented television you know.

John Clarke

Ah yes, in your capital of London.

Nicholas Bell

Do you know who it was who made that call?

John Clarke

Yes, I do. Yes. And he did it on my specific instructions.

Nicholas Bell

It was a woman.

John Clarke

Ah well, that is serious. Oh yes, I can see the concern there. That’s actually dangerous. I’m surprised that’s allowed. A woman?

John Clarke

Have you got the Media Accreditation stuff here somewhere?

Gina Riley

Just putting the finishing touches on it.

John Clarke

Have you done the press release on the Internet?

Gina Riley

Yes. Got that covered.

John Clarke

Have you booked the satellite for the CNN thing next week?

Gina Riley

Got a call in.

John Clarke

Did you fax Juan Antonio’s itinerary out here next week…?

Gina Riley

As we speak.

John Clarke

…because there’s a message on the machine that they haven’t got it.

Gina Riley

Bloody hell.

John Clarke

Do you think perhaps we could fax it again? You do know they should actually have had it yesterday?

Gina Riley

I’ll take that on board, John.

John Clarke

[Quietly] Gina, have you actually done any of these things at all?

Gina Riley

No, I haven’t.

Nicholas Bell

Thank you. John, can I ask what work has been done up to this stage by your people on this question? You see, what I am thinking is there maybe a detailed study already undertaken on the Los Angeles public transport system and how it worked for them at the ’84 Games. That sort of thing would give us a lot of information. Is that available at all?

John Clarke

Bryan?

Bryan Dawe

No.

Nicholas Bell

It hasn’t been done at all?

John Clarke

Bryan?

Bryan Dawe

No.

Nicholas Bell

Is there a reason for that?

John Clarke

Bryan?

Bryan Dawe

They don’t have a public transport system in Los Angeles.

You don’t like us very much, do you?

John Clarke

That’s a very old-fashioned way of thinking.

John Clarke

Well, I’ve always responded pretty well to a challenge. I can remember when I was a kid once playing cricket with my cousins on the lawn at the back of my grandmother’s place and somebody said, ‘I bet you can’t put a ball on the roof of that big tool shed at the bottom of the garden’, and I can still remember thinking, "You reckon I can’t do that, don’t you?"

[Off-camera] And could you do it?

John Clarke

No. It was too far away.

John Clarke

I felt at this stage Allan Ronaldson still deserved a chance to clear his name. There was still some doubt. Don’t forget that Allan had worked very, very hard for a very, very long time for the movement. I thought that there was still a chance, in my mind, that all of this could turn out to have been a mistake.

[Off-camera] Did you ever see him with a yacht?

John Clarke

No, categorically, I never once saw Allan with a yacht. I did see him with a light aircraft once, at a meeting.

[Off-camera] And where did he get that from?

John Clarke

He told me he’d won that in a card game.

John Clarke

Allan Ronaldson got a very fair hearing. I think if you ask, even Allan Ronaldson will say he got a very fair hearing over this matter.

[Laughing] No, he didn’t actually say that, did he?

[Off-camera] How do you feel when you get personal criticism? Does it hurt?

John Clarke

Personal criticism? I don’t pay much attention to personal criticism, to be honest. Who said something?

[Off-camera] Well, it has been said that you’re arrogant, for example, hasn’t it?

John Clarke

Well what complete barking moron said that?

John Clarke

Yes, I have regrets, I suppose. I’d like, for example, to be able to get out of the office a little bit more and perhaps spend some time with some of the charity organisations that I’m involved with.

[Off-camera] And which ones are they?

John Clarke

Oh, Bicycles for the Deaf, African Dog Hospital, something at Thredbo. American Express. Countless others.