John Clarke quotes from The Games

John Clarke

There was an earthquake up here in 1973. It did two hundred grand's worth of improvements.

John Clarke

[Introducing Gina to Gerry] You're familiar with most of Australia's post-war governments, aren't you?

John Clarke

It’s just that right at the moment I’m not in the right frame of mind to deal with make-believe problems. We have real problems.

John Clarke

Everything the IOC says is code for something else. If, for example, they describe the function that Bryan persists in calling "the Atlantic Olympics" as exceptional, that’s the equivalent of saying "hand me a twig, please, I’d like to scrape the Atlantic Olympics off the sole of my shoe."

John Clarke

"Finishing touches" is code for "we've bought the concrete."

John Clarke

Manny the Mouth. All the news that's fit to flush.

John Clarke

"Businessman’s secret charitable donations. Joseph Williams tells of his little known secret million-dollar deal to benefit philanthropic causes." "Secret"... "tells of" "secret"... "tells of" "secret"... "tells of" "secret"... "tells" "secret". I give up – spot the deliberate mistake. Does the man think we’re absolute idiots?

John Clarke

Some sheep are terribly brisk.

John Clarke

[To taxi driver] Could you possibly experiment with a slightly higher gear? I'm actually a fair bit late and I'm going to see an American, and they think lateness is very, very rude? It'd be a pity to annoy them at this stage after so many years of sycophancy. [pause] It's the pedal on the right. [beat] That's the one.

John Clarke

Listen. I mean, before you get abusive, shagnasty, you want to consider organising something of the magnitude of these games. I mean, this a serious undertaking. This isn’t a school gala day we’re organising here.

John Clarke

They’d be in that in a minute wouldn’t they, the media? Planeload of dedicated Australian journalists. A few photographers. A couple of drug and alcohol counsellors.

John Clarke

Well, who will be announcing we're not going to replant the trees , he asked rhetorically?

John Clarke

Now why would you put a wall in there?

John Clarke

Well, this will be a moment of excitement. I’ve never actually met the Minister before. I've only ever seen him on television. Normally just his smile and maybe a tiny bit of his lawyer.

John Clarke

Good to know, Bill, that the IOC is well off for fully functioning photocopying machines. Photocopying whatever it is you photocopy up there. What is it? The location of stolen bullion, is it? Nazi escape routes? Something like that?