Alright...I do have a way with women...over 60....
S1 E5A Little Deb Will Do Ya
This film gets my highest rating: 7 out of 10.
I'm sorry, Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?
(Watching the mansion on fire) Burn, baby, burn.
S1 E7Every Doris Has Her Day
At last, I've found my biological mother. I can finally undo years of psychological scarring! All that's left now is my failed marriage, my blood curdling senior prom, and the trauma of my ill-conceived canoe trip through hillbilly country.
S1 E8Marathon Mensch
This is it. I'm going to die. I'll see you in Hell, Justine Bateman
(a group of college kids are watching Jay on TV)
CKCollege Kid #1
Coming up next: The Crispy Critic.
CKCollege Kid #2
Man, you got it all. Handsome as Beavis, funny as Butthead.
I've never felt so wimpy in my whole life. (to Jeremy): How come you never question your manhood.
I sleep with many beautiful women, I drive fast cars, and carry an unlicensed gun. I play judge, jury, and executioner for this scum-filled world.
But that's in the movies. That's not reality.
They're not all movies. One was an episode of The Commish.
S1 E9L.A. Jay
All right, it's just you and me. Now what did you think of my script?
GGGary Grossman
It was excrement.
Did you say it was excellent?
GGGary Grossman
It was crummy.
Did you say it was yummy?
GGGary Grossman
It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night.
Did you say it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight?
GGGary Grossman
It was a bilious piece of dirt that made me cry out in pain.
Did you say it was a brilliant piece of work, and you'll fly me to Spain? Where we'll meet King Juan Carlos and drink sangria all night?
GGGary Grossman
You piece of blech.
(After being asked by his aide if Wings could still be aired for another season) Tell them there are limits to even my powers!
Hello, and welcome to Coming Attractions. Our first film is Ghostchasers III. I helped write this picture, but believe me when I say that this is the WORST MOVIE EVER MADE! Attention, L.A. street gangs: why kill each other when there are more deserving movie executives just miles from your home? Their addresses are...
(smash cut to a pink card with a "Viewer Advisory" scroll on it)
AAnnouncer
Viewer Advisory: The rest of this review contains incitements to violence, foul language, rubber novelty pop, and brief nudity.
(cut back to the set, where Jay is now clad in only a towel as two police officers escort him off the stage)
Good night, everybody. Join me in thirty days with my review of our overcrowded penal system.
S1 E10Dr. Jay
(On the phone) Hello Jay, this is the Devil. Despite what you think, I am not the reason Cher won an Oscar. I am the reason Marisa Tomei won an Oscar.
S1 E11A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?
Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
EElenor
No, Franklin. That was the roadrunner.
(Shamefully) No, that was me.
Ardeth. How’s my favorite ex-wife?
The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars.
(Lays down money beside Ardeth) Fine, here’s two hundred. Get bent!
ZVZoltan Veramirovich
Hello Mister Sherman. Thanks to your appetite, we bought a yacht.
S1 E12Uneasy Rider
(Seeing Jay and his trucker friends) Vlada takes all deliveries in the rear.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Critic pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.