The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! AND FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CLOWN-FACE JOKER, KISS MAKEUP-WEARING, KING DIAMOND, BEETLEJUICE, ALICE COOPER, MARILYN MANSON MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

Yo, Nerd, I got a better game for us.

Board James, go away. You don't get a Halloween special.

(angrily) Fuck you, you fucking asshole! Wha- I-I-I NEVER get a Halloween special! Why's it always gotta be about you?! When's it gonna be my turn?!

(stutters) Okay, ok-o-okay. As soon as Halloween is over, we'll play some plastic and cardboard.

(nods) Better late than never.

The Nerd

C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - [a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar] AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! [A pillar squashes Sub-Zero] FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

The Nerd

Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.

I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.

The Nerd

Um... Just stick to Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

The Nerd

(after he plays the game, he takes out the cartridge) No wonder I haven't played this one before! THIS IS ANAL SAUCE!!!

Finish him!

Fatality!

The Nerd

[first lines] It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... [he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone] (Check it out.) [Nokia fanfare plays] ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. Yeah. Now let's play some 8-bits.

The Nerd

BLAM! Shooting shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. It ain't Superman, or Ultraman, it's Capcom's Mega Man, a robot hero built by Dr. Light to battle against the Evil Dr. Wily and his never-ending supply of robot villains in the year 2...whatever. The 2D gameplay is as classic as they come with a little bit of Contra, a little bit of Metroid, but but still stands in its own right with its stage select system and the ability to steal each of the boss character's weapons. Oh, we can't forget about those disappearing blocks! One of the many rules of gaming: never trust what's under your feet.

The Nerd

Mega Man II is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, Street Fighter II, which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos. It's the simple things that make it so appealing. For example, Mega Man's run cycle: he's constantly at full sprint. You can see the determination, the pure gallantry, but that doesn't even graze upon why the gameplay is so addicting. The jumping, the midair shooting, it's a science that triggers a phenomenon in your brain. It's so bad ass... [he pauses his speech while he plays Mega Man 2] Oh. Sorry, I was just playing the game.

The Nerd

When you do catch yourself a break to stop and listen, you'll realize you're hearing some of the most rocking video game tunes of all time! If only the idea of video game soundtrack albums caught on back then. You'd get 21 hits in one fantastic collection, including (The Nerd belts out the Crashman Stage Music.) and... (He belts out the Dr. Wily Stage Music. A fake infomercial screen appears) This offer's not available in stores; order today.

The Nerd

Explosions! Dialogue! EXPLOSIONS AND DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME! [Shouting] OH, MY GOD!!!

The Nerd

This is fucking horseshit. I've had enough shitty games. I've dedicated myself to this for too long! I've had it! I quit.

[after he throws the Independence Day PS1 disc at the 2016 Nerd's face] Oh, my God! Who are you?

I'm you.

I can see that. How'd you get here?

I don't know, but... I remember this. Yeah. I don't know how else to say this, but I'm from the future. There, I said it.

Really? Do I get the goat tattoo?

[while he enters his old room] Obviously not on your face. Look at this old setup. You know with the original NES model you can't play European games. You gotta get your RF shit modded into composite. Still blowing in your cartridges, you gotta get your-- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. [points at R.O.B.] Why is that there?

I don't know, it just sits there.

Get rid of it.

Why?

You'll know by Episode 100.

Uh, Episode-- [stutters] What?!

Oh, yeah. Trust me. Just quit, right now.

[stammers] Why? It's my-- It's our duty to review bad games and warn people from playing this shit.

What's this here? [picks up Mega Man on DOS] There's a Mega Man PC game on DOS? Mega Man on DOS! This is something that'll make you wanna quit!

[takes out the floppy disk] Okay, I'll give it a try.

Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.

Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.

What's AVGN?

[with an idiotic smile] Audio Video Graphic Network!

[sarcastically] A VaGiNa.

So what time did you come from?

From ten years into the future.

That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?

[sarcastically] Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!

Relax.

All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, [Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away] but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. [shows the PlayStation Disc] Here is Mega Man Legends, on PlayStation.

PlayStation? We're the Angry Nintendo Nerd!

THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!

How about Angry Nintendo Commentator?

How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?

How about Nostalgia Critic?

[in disagreement, as if saying, "That's not gonna happen."] Now that's fucking stupid.

How about "Angry Video Game Nerd"?

Yeah, that's good.

I agree with that.

"There're some dirty magazines on the racks..."?

"It might be fun to look at--"

MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!

My life is complete!

[laughing] Mega Man X. more like Mega Man XXX.

Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.

[in embarrassment] I wish you would've said that earlier.

[after he reviews Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on NES, he sees his 2016 self] I must be drinking too much. I ain't seeing this, man.

Drinking too much? [he holds up an empty Rolling Rock bottle and lowers it] Yeah, but you are seeing this. I'm you from the future.

Right.

And I need your help.

Does this have anything to do with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

No, but it concerns shitty games.

Good. Anything but Jekyll and Hyde. So tell me, how far into the future do you come from? A month? A year?

About 12 years, almost.

What, are you fucking kidding me, and you're still playing shitty ga-- You didn't play Jekyll and Hyde again, did you?

[beat, shakes his head] ...No! Never... Mm-mm. [he notices Mega Man X7 and picks it up] What's this? Mega Man X7 for PlayStation 2?

Yeah, that just came out last fall.

[shocked] Oh, man. I'm retro.

[after the Mega Man X7 review] So there you go. Prove that it sucked back then.

Yeah, and I know by your time, they're probably up to Mega Man X20.

No, Mega Man kind of stopped. [picks up a Rolling Rock and peeks inside before he turns the bottle upside down] The franchise has been dormant lately.

Well, that's good. You never rush out anything just to meet consumer demand, otherwise, you end up puttin' out shit. Some franchises get done to death. You can't keep beating the same thing into the ground.

Yeah. But I do miss the Mega Man series. People wanted it. Hmm. If you had a series, what would you do?

I couldn't imagine. I wish I had something like that. If people wanted it, that'd be a great thing. You can't do the same thing all the time or else it gets old, but every now and then, it's good to bring it back.

[smiles] Thanks.

The Nerd

I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- [The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is Mega Man Soccer. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.] Wha--? W--? WHAT... WERE... THEY...THINKING?!? [he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]