Next is the "Severe Zone". This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Then we have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Enough said.
Finally, at the EXTREME end of the scale, "MAJOR CODE RED"; we have games that don't even qualify as games at all. They shouldn't even be on the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. NEVER play them, NEVER talk about them.
So where does Darkwing Duck fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ("Very High" category) Of course that means there are games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, Darkwing Duck is the WORST game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. (The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily) Nnrgh!
So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: "You are free to enjoy Seaman-" [slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead] AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO! IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN! Not semen. [awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds] AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!
Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.
LNLeonard Nimoy
Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
Yeah. When he says "Matrix.", he sounds like Galvatron.
[The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]
Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
[several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]
...Whooooaaaa...
[one Gillman swims right up to the screen]
GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! (gives the Vulcan salute) FOR NIMOY!
[to microphone] Hello.
[sarcastically] Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
[to microphone] I just wanna talk.
[sarcastically] Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
[to microphone, annoyed] Yo, fuck-face!
Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
[to microphone, angrily] Suck my dick!
Hey, Seaman don't play that.
[to microphone] I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
Are you coming on to me?
[to microphone] Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
Bite me.
[the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]
Did he just take a shit? 'HE JUST FLUNG SHIT AT ME!
Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to "Explosive Fighter Patton". Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. [inserts the disk. The screen says: "TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!".]
[stunned] No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS "FUCK"! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK! [shouting] IT SAYS FU....
[brief montage indicating the passage of time]
[continues shouting] O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! [turns Dreamcast back on]
LNLeonard Nimoy
I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...
Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
[two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]
Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
[the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]
It dies? It got fucked to death?!
In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
[confused] Am I confident in myself? Well--
You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
[lying on the futon like a therapist couch] It all started with my pet albatross.
The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
[each line interleaving with one another] If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
I-I never thought of it that way.
Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. [the Nerd nods in agreement]
(The episode opens with the doorbell ringing as the AVGN opens the door and sniffs.)
Ugh. (looks at a flaming bag, screams and puts it out with his shoe) No! (he takes the bag to his gaming room) Ugh, those goddamn kids. They left me a flaming bag... (takes out the game) of shit! The Crow: City of Angels. It was on PC, PlayStation and Sega Saturn, and all the same, the PC version was a Piece of Crap, the PS version was a Piece of Shit, and the Saturn version was a Satanic turd, MORE LETHAL THAN TEN TONS OF DONKEY DOOKIE DROPPING FROM A 60-STORY BUILDING! The Crow was a dark action film based on a comic series. The film takes place the night before Halloween, Mischief Night or Devil's Night, which is associated with the more destructive version of Mischief Night, which is not so much about petty pranks, but more about vandalism and arson. It's also somewhat related to an older tradition: Guy Fawkes Night. But that's another story. Anyway, The Crow, of course, starred Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son. You can't talk about The Crow without mentioning the fact that he was accidentally killed on set by a defective gun blank. Yeah, I have nothing but tragedy to tell today. The plot was about a rock star named Eric Draven. He and his girlfriend are violently killed by a horrible gang. But he's resurrected and seeks his revenge after a crow leads his soul back to the world of the living. Yeah, it sounds weird when you say it fast, but it was a pretty good movie. While not perfect, it was stylized with a gloomy and surreal comic book tone, similar to Tim Burton's Batman. That would be a good time to make a video game, right? No. There were no games based on The Crow. Nada. Diddly-fucking-squat. Then came the shitty sequel, The Crow: Shitty of Angels! Ho-ho! Now it's time to make a game! Ugh. All right, let's... pop this... fucking turd in here.
Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.