The Angry Video Game Nerd Season 1 quotes

This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

(complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.") Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. (nighttime falls) Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. (falls into water and dies) OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How about "vanquished this horrible GAME"?

(using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters) The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit.

Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

Pong is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little Tiger, like, electronic wrist games, those are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking?

[looking at the cartridge] Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. [looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents] Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your asshole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. [close-up of the Nerd] DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. [fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]

The Nerd

Well, let me be honest with you about this one. Ooh, boy. I hate this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. Karate Kid is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: "I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it." So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of fuck will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.

The Nerd

(dies in a pit) I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.

The Nerd

Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. [spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]

(talking to a lady after punching her) "CAN YOU HELP ME", "GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN"... how about "Go away, you HORRID GAME!"?

(gets game over and sees a 20 character password) And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?