You mean hit my own father with an Indian club?
It's for his own good.
Then you do it.
He might get mad at me.
He might get made at me, too.
But while father is ill, you're the head of the family.
[stands up] Hand me that club!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I'm going to get you a lovely, golden-haired doll that says "Mama."
But what have I done?
Nothing.
Then why are you punishing me?
Morticia, it's a ransom note!
A ransom note? You mean...
He's been thing-napped!
DDetective
But if it isn't a person, just what sort of a thing is it that's missing, Mrs. Addams? Is it a pet?
Well, it's... It's a family retainer.
DDetective
Oh... oh, it's a... it's a SERVANT. Well, isn't THAT a person?
Not necessarily.
[back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.
[Fester plods off to his room]
I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.
It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.
All right, you lily-livered goldbrick, are you gonna lie sniveling on that nice, warm bed of nails or are you gonna get up and FIGHT like an ADDAMS?
Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.
When a pilot crashes, what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild, blue yonder again. And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.
So you see, Lurch, in as much as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be US, it would be YOU.
We even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name YOU as donor.
What do you say to that?
I quit.
No, Lurch... Lurch, y-you can't quit. Y-you're like one of the family.
Oh, think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together. Think of the children. Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.
[Lurch thinks for a moment]
I quit.
Gomez, darling, it's wonderful the way you just leap in and take charge, lead the way.
That's what they said about old Commodore Addams.
Oh? When he lead his men into battle?
Off his sinking ship.
We MUST think of ways to make money.
I know an easy way.
Oh?
Print it.
BMr. Blooker
I'll kill myself.
Good thinking. Blooker, if you DO get that stock for me, I'll buy you the biggest, thickest, juiciest camel hump steak in town. Whadda ya have to say to that?
BMr. Blooker
I'll kill myself.
Got a one-track mind, Blooker - I like that!
Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse!
Come come, Fester, you had that for lunch.
Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon. Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt?
Oh, they're always talking politics!
Darling, are those men staring at us?
Not us. At you. You're ravishing!
[Starts kissing her arm]
Darling, please. It's early.
Your watch is slow.
Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they COULD be people from Mars.
Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.
CICousin Itt
Uts sfoo dedidivuh PAH!
Itt's right. They could be disguised.
Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.
[told the chimpanzee is her son] No, I absolutely refuse to believe that THAT... Gomez? Look. He has that same lovely low brow as... you-know-who.
Yeah, and that same fine prehistoric jawline.
CChimpanzee
Oo, oo, oo, oo.
Oh, it IS Pugsley. I know that voice anywhere.
[Thing engages the others in a game of charades to try telling them where he's found Pugsley]
I think he's trying to tell us something.
What is it, Thing? Something we should know?
Is it smaller than a coffin?
Larger than a tsetse fly?
Is it the title of a song?
Oh, this is fun. I mean, it WOULD be if Pugsley were here. Is it someone we know?
How many syllables?
Two syllables. Ah, ha... Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable. Sounds like.
[Thing slugs the air]
Fight?
Fighting.
Fight-ER!
Pugilist.
Pug! Pug... Pug... Ahhh... It just doesn't seem to ring a bell.
Oh, not my suit of armor please, I need it to feel secure. Like Pugsley needs his wolf-head clock. That armor's the... only place I can find to hide in, to take my afternoon's nap.
Uncle Fester, the whole family has given until it hurts.
Well, I like to hurt as much as anybody, but don't ask me to give my armor up. I have to wear it practically every day to scare off those neighborhood kids.
They annoy you?
Oh not me, but... they keep waving sticks and throwing stones at my new pet falcon. And he's getting a nervous stomach.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Addams Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.