Uncle Fester quotes from The Addams Family

Uncle Fester

I feel so good now, I'm gonna go out and chase automobiles. Wonderful hobby!

Uncle Fester

You know, no artist is famous until his death. Maybe we can arrange it?

Uncle Fester

If there is something wrong with me, I hope it's one of those rare tropical diseases. You know, Morticia, something, uh, glamorous.

Uncle Fester

School? I never went to school and look how I turned out.

Morticia

Uncle Fester, looks, charm and personality aren't everything.

Uncle Fester

Well, under the circumstances, I... I though I'd take a bride.

Morticia

Uncle Fester, you just can't take a one, you're supposed to find your own.

Gomez

It's the sporting way, old boy.

Morticia

You'll be fighting the women off with clubs...

Uncle Fester

Clubs? [thinks a moment] Yes... I think I'd like that...

Uncle Fester

[ready to post his love letter] Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?

Morticia

I believe so. How about that nice one the city took?

Gomez

The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.

Uncle Fester

Oh, these conventions! There're so exciting!

I remember the first time I voted, 1906.

Uncle Fester

Now, Mama, you know there was no women's suffrage in 1906.

That didn't stop me.

Uncle Fester

You're a real Addams.

[pleased at the children's frightful costumes] They'll scare the wits out of people.

Uncle Fester

Yes. When you knock on neighbors' doors, you'd better say "Do not be alarmed, we are only little children."

Uncle Fester

You mean you're gonna kill yourself?

Gomez

Of course not. Suicide is the coward's way out. I'm gonna let YOU kill me.

Gomez

I must tell him not to mix the plutonium with the uranium shipments. Otherwise, they'll never get here.

Uncle Fester

Boy, that'll really knock the coconuts off the trees.

Gomez

Since gambling bets aren't enforceable by law...

Uncle Fester

Never mind about that, I'd shoot him in the back!

Morticia

Wouldn't that be rather drastic?

Gomez

For betrayal of trust? Violation of professional ethics? Shooting him in the back would be too good for him.

Uncle Fester

No, I think it'd be about right...

Uncle Fester

[back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.

Gomez

I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.

Morticia

It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.

Gomez

All right, you lily-livered goldbrick, are you gonna lie sniveling on that nice, warm bed of nails or are you gonna get up and FIGHT like an ADDAMS?

Uncle Fester

Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.

Gomez

When a pilot crashes, what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild, blue yonder again. And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.

Morticia

We MUST think of ways to make money.

Uncle Fester

I know an easy way.

Morticia

Oh?

Uncle Fester

Print it.

Uncle Fester

Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse!

Gomez

Come come, Fester, you had that for lunch.

Morticia

Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon. Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt?

Uncle Fester

Oh, they're always talking politics!