Morticia Addams quotes from The Addams Family

Morticia

Now, darling, we want this to be a real surprise to Rocky, so I'll instruct the children to keep it an absolute secret. They're not to tell a living soul - or anyone else for that matter.

Uncle Fester

School? I never went to school and look how I turned out.

Morticia

Uncle Fester, looks, charm and personality aren't everything.

Morticia

Did I just hear a peal of thunder?

Gomez

You did, Tish, you did.

Morticia

Oh, that's the most heavenly sound... it makes life worth living.

Wednesday

Father, it was terrible. They killed him.

Gomez

Mr. Hilliard?

Wednesday

The dragon.

Gomez

What dragon? Who killed a dragon?

Wednesday

A knight in shining armor. He killed the dragon.

Gomez

I can't believe anyone would kill a dragon.

Morticia

The poor, defenseless dragon.

Pugsley

That isn't all. You ought to hear some of the other stories in her book.

Morticia

Let me see that, darling. [Pugsley hands the book to Morticia and she reads the title] Grimm's Fairy Tales. What a lovely name, Grimm. How could he write such terrible stories?

Gomez

Must be sick. Atavistic cruelty. Perverse barbarism. Such violence. [Speaks in foreign language]

Morticia

Gomez!

Gomez

That settles it. No more school.

Pugsley

Good thinking, sir.

Morticia

What's closer in this world than a boy and his mother?

Pugsley

A boy and his octopus?

Gomez

Darling, there's something I was hoping I didn't have to tell you. The other afternoon, I saw Pugsley playing with a bat.

Morticia

A bat? Oh, well that's more like our boy.

Gomez

A baseball bat. It's a game, played outdoors... in the sun.

Uncle Fester

Well, under the circumstances, I... I though I'd take a bride.

Morticia

Uncle Fester, you just can't take a one, you're supposed to find your own.

Gomez

It's the sporting way, old boy.

Morticia

You'll be fighting the women off with clubs...

Uncle Fester

Clubs? [thinks a moment] Yes... I think I'd like that...

Uncle Fester

[ready to post his love letter] Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?

Morticia

I believe so. How about that nice one the city took?

Gomez

The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.

Gomez

That's our old friend from the school board - Sam L. Hilliard. I've changed horses in mid-stream. That's the Addams way!

Morticia

Oh, of course.

Gomez

The L stands for Lucifer.

Morticia

Very appropriate for a politician.

Morticia

[painting a portrait of Cousin Bleak] But there's something about the eyes, I just can't seem to get them.

Gomez

That lid droops just a bit too much.

Morticia

The right eye, or the left?

Gomez

The middle one.

Gomez

Remember how I carried you across the threshold that first time?

Morticia

Not only across the threshold, but through the living room and up the stairs and into our room.

Gomez

And I dropped you... only once.

Morticia

I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.

Gomez

Sometimes it frightens ME.

Morticia

I live in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.

Gomez

Banish the fear, mi querida. You are the only cactus in the garden of my life.

Morticia

[joining Gomez at the window] Well, what do they look like?

Gomez

Oh, just ordinary moving men. One's tall; one's medium.

Morticia

No, darling, I mean the new neighbors.

Gomez

Oh. I haven't seen them yet.

Morticia

Oh, Gomez, we've been very selfish. After all, they're newlyweds. I should've been over there a long time ago with a pot of henbane soup, some of my dwarf's hair cobbler, and marital advice.

Gomez

Let's go over right now.

Morticia

No, darling, I have a better idea. Let's invite them over tonight for a game of bridge.

Gomez

You think they'll want to play bridge on their wedding night?

Morticia

Oh course. It'll relax them.

Pugsley

Mother! Father! Wednesday's flown the coop!

Gomez

Talk sense boy.

Pugsley

She's run away from home.

Gomez

Really? Very adventurous spirit. I didn't run away from home until I was eight.

Morticia

That's ridiculous.

Pugsley

She even left a note. I helped her write it.

Morticia

[reading] "Dear Mother and Father, I hate you. Love, Wednesday. P.S. Don't bother looking for me because I'm not anywhere. Goodbye, W."