T.U.F.F. Puppy · Season 1
Gather around, henchmen!
Who?
You!
Where?
Where do you think?! Around me! Duck! Don't duck, I was talking to the duck! [annoyingly facepalms himself] Holy cow. Not you, Holy Cow. Oh, now I've lost my train of thought. Oh, right! I've invented a new hideously diabolical weapon! I call it, the Lovey-Dovey-Kissy-Smoochy gun! I admit the name could be scarier.
How does it work, boss?
It causes anyone I blast to fall madly in love with me!
[Petropolis Prison; The F.L.O.P.P. members are being released]
At last, sweet freedom! Now the members of F.L.O.P.P., the Fiendish League of Potential Perpetrators, can be reunited in crime! Right, Wanna-Bee?
Yeah! 'Cause I wanna be bad!
So do I, but how can we commit crimes without going back to jail?!
We could rob each other, and not press charges!
I have a better idea. I've contacted an old friend, who leads the exciting life of a supervillain, but has never gone to jail.
What's his secret?
He's never actually committed a crime. Oh, he threatens to, but it's always a bluff. Fellow members of F.L.O.P.P., meet the Bluffalo!
Hello, look at me. I'm parked in a handicapped space in a stolen van. [Meerkat, Wanna-Bee, and Escape Goat scream] Just kidding. I'm legally parked, and I'm leasing this.
I told you he was good.
With my help, you will be able to terrorize Petropolis with empty threats, and never go to prison. Now, who wants some stolen pizza? [Meerkat, Wanna-Bee, and Escape Goat scream again] I'm bluffing. I paid for it, and left a 20% tip. [giggles]
[F.L.O.P.P. and the Bluffalo lurk beside the donut shop with boxes of fudgie bars]
[high-fives with Bluffalo] Bluffalo, you're brilliant! Ooh, and I'm diabetic. I shouldn't have eaten all those fudgie bars.
I'd say let's make our escape, but we didn't do anything wrong!
And that is the genius of the Bluffalo. Now, let's race to the F.L.O.P.P. shed, while obeying all traffic laws. [They hop into a golf cart and drive away] This is not my golf cart. My brother-in-law loaned it to me.
[Next morning at T.U.F.F. headquarters; Kitty, Keswick and the Chief are drinking coffee as Dudley appears, looking a little bigger]
Uh-oh! It's the diabolical Dr. Half-Dog!
No, Chief! [squats down, revealing his head] It's me! And I'm tall! Check it out! I can dunk and reach the ham. I can even dunk a ham!
[jumps onto the hoop and smacks the ham out of Dudley's hand] You may be tall, but I got mad hops.
I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we'll never run out of potato salad.
[Dudley, Kitty, and the Chief cheer]
There's no news bad enough to offset that!
And the bad news is I can't stop the effects of the grow-faster blaster, which means big trouble for Agent Puppy.
Oh, no! I'm gonna turn into a potato! My seventh greatest fear has been realized!
But we're still good with the potato salad, right?
[Dudley suddenly starts growing to an enormous size with his arms, legs, and head sticking out of the headquarters building]
[with his eyes closed tightly] I can't bear to look! Am I potato?!
[relieved after letting out a massive fart by blowing up and destroying the headquarters building] Ah, that's better! I mean, gross, Kitty!
Believe it or not, my horoscope said this would happen.
What do you know? "A giant dog fart will destroy everything you've worked for."
"You will soar to new heights."
[confused] I don't get it. [grows even more huge] Oh, now I get it! Hang on, I got an itch.
[gloomy] Being tall wrecked everything. I'm so sad I don't even feel like singing.
Mad hops! Sorry, I realized that was a little counterproductive.
[Dudley, Kitty and the Chief enter T.U.F.F. Headquarters, only to see that its name is changed to "Keswick presents T.U.F.F." with all the paintings and sculptures that are Keswick-themed]
[baffled] What is going on around here? Who changed the name of T.U.F.F. to "Keswick presents T.U.F.F.?"
Do you really have to ask?
Yeah, after I heard myself say it, it was pretty clear.
You can't discuss official T.U.F.F. business in front of a civilian.
Who are you calling a civilian? I'm the Chief!
Not anymore. I deactivated your security… [stutters] clearance when I thought you retired.
That's ridiculous! I'm going to my office.
Thanks for having a snowball fight with me, Mr. President of the United States. [gets hit in the face with a snowball]
You're welcome, Dudley. And since we're best friends now, you can call me, "Mr. United States."
It's always a pleasure to hang out with my best friend, Dudley Puppy.
This is awesome! I have so many famous bird friends!
Agent Puppy, get out of the simulation station.
Come on, Keswick. This is your coolest invention ever! Whatever I imagine in here becomes real! In fact, could you come in here for a second? I'd like to imagine you not bothering me.
Agent Puppy, I created the simulation station to train agents for dangerous, real-life situations, not so you could good off with a has-been actor and a lame duck president.
He's not a duck. He's an eagle. Besides, Kitty said it was okay.
I did. I think everything Dudley does is okay, if not amazing.
That is not the real Agent Katswell.
I know. I call her, "agreeable Kitty." She's way better. [sees the real Kitty and gets startled]
Better, Dudley? How is she better?
Well, for one thing, she doesn't scare me like you just did. Also, her head is a gumball machine.
Agent Puppy, I'm only gonna ask you this once. Did you take Keswick's coffee cup? [Keswick whispers to him; shocked] He did what?! That's way worse! Agents Puppy and Katswell, go get that simulated Michael Crane, and bring him back to T.U.F.F.! Keswick, go put agreeable Kitty back in the simulation station.
One second, Chief. I'm trying to get a cherry gumball. [Agreeable Kitty explodes] The gumballs were all backed up.
[eating an Animal Quacker] These taste like sugar cookies!
Don't tell anyone I said this, but these are even better than my Carp Tarts!
I'm from the Carp Tarts company, and I heard that. You're fired, Ms. Katswell.
You've been spying on me?
The Carp Tarts company checks up on all their spokespeople. [chuckles] Oh, boy, hiding behind a ficus sure works up an appetite. [eats an Animal Quacker] Mm! Man, these are better than Carp Tarts! [chuckles] I can say that, 'cause no one's spying on me.
Wrong, Bill! You're FIRED!
[disappointed] Oh, great. Now I gotta go sell board games in the alley. [walks away, moping]
I'm sorry you lost your spokesperson job, Kitty, but the important thing is, I still have mine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to use my super deep TV voice to sell more cookies!
Guys, I don't know how to tell you this, but the aliens Keswick contacted are hostile.
Yeah, we kinda noticed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's T.U.F.F. Puppy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
