It was a lot easier being a single mother when I was neither single, nor the mother.
S1 E2A Burden's Burden
S1 E3Dreams on the Rocks
I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed... really hard.
[On Sara's alcoholism.]
I'm dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction: With lies and delusion.
[Jerri attempts to extinguish a fire with the contents of Sara's mug, but instead ends up fueling the flames.]
What was in that?!
Breakfast!
Well, what kind of breakfast was that?
A cup of rum cake... We just ran out of flour.
CCraig
You need to face the fact that your mother is an alcoholic. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.
No, I've heard her say plenty of times that she doesn't love me.
CCraig
She was probably drunk.
No, I'm pretty sure she was sober.
Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.
[to Noblet] Hoo hoo! "Chuck"! You know what that rhymes with...
But I'm not an alcoholic! I can stop whenever I want! What, you don't believe me? Well, if you're such a good listener, why don’t you watch this? Say goodbye to my mixers!
S1 E4Who Wants Cake
Packing a Musket, by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk till you're limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're begging ya "please," to get down on your knees, near their groinage, 'scusa me, but ya see, don't ya touch where they pee, without coinage.
Thank you, Jerri, that'll be...
When I straddle and squat, to show you my... [bell rings, drowning Jerri's voice out]
All right, everybody. For tomorrow, I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too [writing on blackboard] faggy.
Oh, and remember I need the permission slips for this week's trip to Good Time Island.
SStudent
Where's your permission slip?
SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.
WBWilford Brimley
[on tape] Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to Retardation: A Celebration. Now, hopefully with this book, I'm gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. And they don't run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with 'em, don't do it. Puts 'em on edge. They might go into berzerker mode; come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming "No, no, no" and all they hear is "Who wants cake?" Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake.
Mr. Noblet wants me to snitch on a friend.
Snitching doesn’t seem like you, Jerri.
Oh, it’s not what you think. It’s not like snitching on a real person. She's--
Gay?
Retarded.
Yes, most of them are.
Most who are what?
Most gay people are retarded.
Does that mean Kimberly Timbers is gay?
I don’t know. Hey! Make a pass at her and find out. She'd have to be retarded to turn you down.
What I'd like to know is, why are there retarded people in school with my daughter?
Mrs. Blank, we're doing our best to weed them out, but some of these retards are extremely clever.
I've changed. People change. Changes... I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmanns' holly bushes... last night.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Strangers with Candy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.