Chuck Noblet quotes from Strangers with Candy

Noblet

[seeing Jerri's scarred hands] Arghh! My hands!

Jerri

But they're mine!

Noblet

What's the difference?

Noblet

In answer to the question, what was the Magna Carta, you wrote "Planet Zoot." And in response to the query, what was the capital of France during the Nazi occupation, you traced your hand.

Jerri

Oh yeah, I drew a beak on my thumb there. Oh! It’s a turkey! It must've been the holidays.

Noblet

It was yesterday, Jerri.

Jerri

I'm confused. Dreams....What are mine?

Noblet

I don’t know, Jerri. It's your future. What do you want to do in the future?

Jerri

Go to my locker.

Noblet

I mean way down the line, Jerri. I want you to think far into the future. What are you going to do?

Jerri

Open it.

Noblet

Why are you pushing me away?

Jellineck

I'm not pushing you away. I'm pulling me towards myself.

Noblet

[casually] So, what are you selling here?

Flowers. Do you need someone to love you?

Noblet

[breaking down instantly] Oh God, yes, desperately! I'm so lonely!

Would you like to come with us?

Noblet

I'll go anywhere you want and do anything you say! Just love me. Oh, I should tell you, I'm a plant. They're watching us. [points to where Blackman, Jellineck and Orlando are hiding] We're looking for Jerri. I'm her teacher and that's her principal - they don't know anything about love.

I don't think you can come with us.

Noblet

What? No! Please! I need you!

Blackman

[yelling] Noblet! What are you doing?!

Noblet

I'm sorry. I just wasn't prepared for that kind of onslaught.

Jellineck

Perhaps Chuck could get through to her. He was in the cult for 45 seconds, he knows.

Noblet

I'll try, but we'll need to be alone.

Blackman

All right, everybody out.

Noblet

Thank you. Thank you. [waits until everybody has left, then turns quickly to Jerri] Okay, Jerri, let's go!

Jerri

Where?

Noblet

[tugging on her arm] Back to the cult!

Jerri

How?

Noblet

[opening the furnace] Through the furnace and then out through the air shaft!

Jerri

We'll burn to death!

Noblet

Father will protect us! Where is your faith, woman?!

Jerri

Do a lot of the people die of syphilis?

Noblet

Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

Noblet

Hey, mister, eyes on your own test.

But we're not taking a test.

Noblet

I can fix that right now. Okay, everybody get out a piece of paper! Hey, don't get angry with me, blame Mister Nosy-Eyes here. Question number one: Explain Western history. Be specific; support your answer.

Noblet

You're new here, so let me lay it down for ya. I run a pretty tight ship around here. That's why the students call me "The Hammer".

We don't call you that.

Noblet

Shut up.

Noblet

As it is the end of our school year, I thought it would be be-hoovy if I used my final lesson to talk about eschatology, or the study of the end of things. Now, I asked my lover, Mr. Jellineck, to make some transparencies.

Jellineck

He's just kidding, we're not lovers. We just have sex.

Noblet

Hot, ass-thumping sex.