Jack Ransom quotes from Star Trek: Lower Decks

Captain Carol Freeman

Nothing against second contact missions but the Cerritos should be popping in on those legacy civilizations BEFORE they unravel.

Ransom

Yeah, but popping in is against regulation. We would need specific orders.

Captain Carol Freeman

I just hate seeing a perfectly good society get destroyed by a Gamester of Triskelion and/or whatever because Starfleet has a policy of SOME intervention.

Jack Ransom

We're out of options!

Captain Carol Freeman

Then I need someone to make me some.

Beckett Mariner

Me? What am I supposed to do? I don't know these guys!

Captain Carol Freeman

Do what you do best. I need a dangerous, half-baked solution that breaks Starfleet codes and totally pisses me off. That's an order.

Jack Ransom

Mariner? What was I doing?

Beckett Mariner

You were trying to eat the ship, sir. I had to apply concentrated force to your neutral zone.

Jack Ransom

The away team is awaiting your orders, Captain.

Captain Carol Freeman

Sorry, Commander. I forgot you were there.

Jack Ransom

That does tend to happen a lot these days.

Captain Carol Freeman

What is he doing now?

It's easy to become a god. The trick is staying a god.

T'Ana

He seems to be focussing on his bis and tris.

Captain Carol Freeman

Collectors Guild. Just a bunch of greedy packrats.

Jack Ransom

Wasn't he the one who tried to collect Data?

Captain Carol Freeman

They all tried to collect Data.

Why couldn't they leave Data alone? He just wanted to feel.

Kayshon

You getting 'Bazminti when he pulled back the veil' vibes from this guy?"

Jack Ransom

Oh yeah. Captain Freeman, our Pakled refugee appears to be more of a Pakled spy.

Captain Carol Freeman

What? He hasn't gotten anything, has he?

Jack Ransom

No, I think we'll be okay. He just took a photo of his own foot.

Ransom

They actually think they're gonna be able to handle our jobs?

Freeman

This is gonna be rich.

Alright, Deck 12, follow the yellow line. Move it along, lower decks.

[terrified] Oh ****, the Moopsy is free!

[sarcastically] Oh no, your cuddliest prisoner is loose! Whatever shall we do?

You don't understand! Everything here is incredibly dangerous!

Moopsy! [the Moopsy finds its way into the Pyrithian swamp gobbler enclosure]

Commander Jack Ransom

Can't be worse than the swamp gobblers.

Of course it's worse! They only gobble you! The Moopsy drinks your bones!

[skeptical] How does something drink bones? [the Moopsy devours the swamp gobblers to the horror of the away team] HOLY ****!

Run! Run for your lives!

Commander Jack Ransom

Mr. Boimler, you'll be heading to Daystrom as well.

[annoyed] Oh no, don't tell me AGIMUS is up for parole as well.

Ransom

No. In extremely suspicious timing, he claims to have knowledge about the Bynar attack, but he's refusing to speak to anyone but you.

Boimler

He asked for me by name?

Ransom

Well, kinda. He said the 'stringy ensign meat pipe' who betrayed him.

Boimler

Ha, joke's on him. I'm a lieutenant junior grade meat pipe now.

[broadcasting to the entire Alpha Quadrant] Hello, Alpha Quadrant. Independent Captain Nick Locarno here with a message for anyone who feels like an afterthought.

[watching aboard the Cerritos] He looks like Tom Paris.

Boimler

[aboard the Cerritos] I don't see it.

You may have been told scary stories of ships being destroyed these past few months, but that was a lie. They weren't destroyed, they were liberated. They're part of the first totally independent, unaligned fleet in the Alpha Quadrant.

Boimler

[scoffs] Er, the Maquis would like a word.

If you're tired of risking your life for soulless bureaucratic captains who don't even know your name, if you fear following the orders of incompetent commanders who fell into seats of power, if you're stuck on the lower decks, then I invite you to join us in the Detrion system.

They have, like, the same face. They're identical.

Boimler

No, I just don't see it.

Detrion, a forgotten system now protected by my indestructible Trynar Shield.

Tendi

Geez, why is he so mad?

Ransom

[disgusted] Locarno was kicked out of Starfleet. He got one of his squad killed performing a banned flight maneuver, then tried to cover it up.

T'Lyn

Clearly his emotional behaviour conflicts with his culpability.

Dr. T'Ana

Yeah, he's a (bleep)hole.

And in case anyone wants to try and force their way in, I've acquired a little insurance; a black market Ferengi Genesis Device.

Tendi

[horrified] Those can rewrite the atomic composition of entire worlds!

Ransom

He could wipe out life on any planet he chooses!

The man has lost his mind!

The Federation, the Klingon Empire, the Romulan Empire, everyone has to respect Nova Fleet! Speaking of, I have an officer here who knows how to speak truth to power. Beckett, care to tell them what Starfleet's really like?

Oh. [nervously approaches the camera] Er, hey. What up, everyone? I have an important message to all you lower deckers out there... [looks direct into the camera and points at Locarno] THIS GUY SUCKS!

[taken aback] What?!

He's an idiot and his plan's stupid! He's gonna get you all killed because he only cares about himself! [Mariner grabs the Genesis Device and runs]

Stop her! End that transmission!

[proudly] Attagirl!

Commander Jack Ransom

Mariner, the ground isn't gonna fall out from under you.

Last time I was here, I fell into an open ditch! Now I know what you're thinking, you're like 'How can there be an open ditch on a starbase?' Well, anything's possible in hell!