[about Elaine] Danny, she's awful. She's selfish and sarcastic, pushy, tactless, cruel, and obnoxious.
And her father will kill me if I don't marry her.
People can change.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Burt checked into the mental institution to try and cure his invisibility, while Carol has lured Jodie away for the weekend to try to put an end to his homosexuality. Meanwhile prosecutor Franklin has promised Judge Petrillo a surprise witness who will put an end to Jessica. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
Burt's missing. They checked all the rooms at bedtime, and he wasn't there.
He never was, if you know what I mean.
What if he never comes home?
Drinks are on me.
[to Mr. Mallu] I'm afraid you'll have to cancel court this morning. I have to take Billy to the pediatrician.
[Opening Narration] In last week's episode, Jodie surprised Carol by agreeing to spend the weekend with her. Corinne surprised Ingrid by walking out on her. Burt really surprised Mary by telling her he killed her first husband And speaking of surprises, Mrs. Fine, the surprise witness, surprised everyone by testifying that she heard Jessica threaten to kill Peter Campbell. Surprised? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
I don't know what's with you, Carol. I mean we agree we're coming up here as friends. Then you tell me you've rented a two bedroom cottage. We get here and one room, one bed and knowing I'm gay you're absolutely amazed when I don't turn out to be Burt Reynolds.
I thought you'd be different here. Away from everything, in the country, all this clean air.
Clean air? Carol, I'm a homosexual not an asthmatic.
Oh Benson, I need strong coffee. I was so worried about the trial I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Me neither.
You were up worrying too?
Yup.
Oh I wish I'd known.
Yeah.
Sure. I would've had someone to talk to.
I wish I'd have known too. Cause that would've put me to sleep.
Jodie, why can't we live together?
Carol, I'm gay. Listen the other night was nice. It really was and I've told you that but I'm still gay. Hey listen occasionally I'll have a burrito, I'm not Mexican.
You're asking me to marry you?
FTFather Tim
No, I've gone to my superiors and asked to be released from my vows because I want to go steady.
[Alone in the kitchen, talking to himself] Well, that's it. I can't go on. My life is over. My wife is in jail, the only woman I ever really loved. My career is over. I'll be in jail for embezzlement. I can't go on. Might as well... end it all. I'll leave a note. Paper, I need paper. The important thing is how to do it. I want it quick, quiet, and with no pain. I want it... pleasant. Oh, that's wonderful, Tate - you want a pleasant suicide. Why not have it catered?
I'm scared, Benson. I mean, every once in a while it just kinda hits me - I'm on my way to the big home for a mur...
House, house - big house.
Yeah, right, for a murder I did not commit. I mean, me, Benson. This is not Barbara Feldon in that movie of the week.
Eden, Barbara Eden.
Right. And here I am and it isn't a movie and it isn't Barbara Eden in the slam, but me.
Slammer.
ELElaine Lefkowitz-Dallas
You - you better move it. The rabbi said he's gotta leave in ten minutes. He's got a bar mitzvah, two funerals, a bris, and tickets to Pippin.
CLCharles Lefkowitz
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast. This is an occasion I've looked forward to for a very long time - the marriage of my daughter. When my wife died, I promised her on her deathbed I would take care of Elaine until the day she married, that she would never want for anything. I've kept that promise! And so I hand my daughter over to a fine young man who from now on will take care of her... because I'm completely cutting her off! She'll never get another penny or hear another word from me for as long as I live, because she is a disgusting person, and nothing thrills me more than to be rid of her forever. L'Chaim!
DLDutch Leitner
Remember, one word, one word from anybody [points a gun at Chester] ...and he dies.
Anything in particular we'd have to say?
[about Mary] I don't know what to do about it.
Just do it a few more times you'll be hooked - it's like pretzels!
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